The biggest dramas in The Bachelor appear to be happening offscreen as spoilers are getting dropped left and right and the network are rumoured to be getting their lawyers ready.
And sure, it’s not ideal for a reality show to be more exciting in reality that in show, but all publicity is good, especially when things are starting to get to the pointy, heartbreaky, emotional car crashy bit.
This next bit is a bit spoilery, so opt out now if you don’t want to know something you’ve been saying to everyone in your house for at least the last couple of episodes.
You’re warned.
OK?
Three of the contestants were Instagram Live streaming themselves watching the show and getting loose: recent evictees Rachael and Vakoo, who are now a couple, and – significantly – Sorgand.
She is still on the show as far as we mortals know, but whose eventual-if-entirely-predictable fate was seemingly given away by the excitingly take-no-prisoners Rach.
“It’s another Persian chick… She’s about to get kicked out…” Rachael said during the stream before adding “of my house.”
And this, along with Rachael’s claims that her whole giving-her-number-to-a-crew-member subplot was an invention of the show to deliberately knock her out, has reportedly got Channel 10 ready to enforce the non-disclosure agreements which all the participants signed ahead of their appearance on the show.
This delicious drama was rather more compelling than the episode, which saw Matt left with only seven potential love-matches left: six translucently pale blonde women, and Sorgand. So it’s not entirely shocking that she was kicking back and watching the show rather than, say, choosing fonts for the wedding invites.
But please, before we delve into the episode, please spare a thought for the two women that didn’t get a rose in the new episode of the Bachelor: Mary, and Blonde Woman #8.
It’s hard to have an emotional response to the news that [checks notes] Nichole was sent on her way, because it wasn’t entirely clear that she was there at all.
She never got a single date, she blended seamlessly into the background of pleasantly attractive white people, and… look, I’m sure she’s lovely.
But Mary! Losing Mary is a tragedy, not least because now how will the audience know how to respond? Who will say “bitch, please” at the barest provocation? And the clicking, from where will we get the clicking?
The show has lost its shining star, frankly.
Anyway: elsewhere in the show there was a lot of acrobatics and pashing with Abbie, and then a weird walk down the Mercure in Sydney and pashing with Chelsie, and then the cocktail party where Sorgand performed an amateur belly dance and look, it wasn’t great.
Anyway, next episode sees Bachelor alumni come to give Matt advice and pick a dinner date with one of the girls who they reveal is 25 and GODDAMMIT CAN NO-ONE KEEP A SECRET ANYMORE?
Maybe The Bachelor needs to also keep lawyers on set to control the flow of spoilers next season? Just a suggestion.