First up: dear reader, I have been chosen to glean life lessons from The Bachelor, much as the soothsayers of old divined the future by looking at the entrails of slaughtered animals.
This journey should be very exciting for me because as GOAT’s token married parent I’m smugly in possession of that lasting relationship thingie that all the competitors are ostensibly vying for with Matt The Astrophysicist, and also legitimately confused by the notion of gladiatorial dating.
So to get up to speed before tonight’s much-hyped STORM OFF! episode, I watched the last one. And yes I’m late to the party but I would like to offer the following APS Date tip:
Go for a low-vomit risk first date
I’ve come in late and missed the dozen people already eliminated – man, this show does not muck around, huh? – but did catch Matt and Monique going for their much-ballyhooed first date: a high speed aerial pursuit in stunt planes.
It’s admittedly been a while since I dated someone for the first time, but as a rule going for a puke-free activity is a good strategy. Also, I’d recommend not being in seperate vehicles – just in case things go a bit Goose In Top Gun.
So if someone says “hey, want go into a tiny two seater death plane and do barrel rolls over Sydney Harbour?” maybe suggest a casual coffee instead?
After all, throwing up from sheer vertiginous terror in the skies really is more a third date thing.
Life lesson: how to survive eight Gs of pressure
If it feels like you’re blacking out, “Tense up your stomach and flex your glutes, that’ll push the blood back up to your head.”
That was the advice handed out by the flight instructor after warning that they might experience up to eight times the force of gravity during their flight. It’s possible he mistook “astrophysicist” for “astronaut”.
And look, blacking out is not something which you want to happen on a first date, but if you’re in that situation it’s definitely worth knowing. Thanks, the Bachelor!
Llamawatch: a llama is present and looking knowing on the lawn
To be clear, I’m delighted that Twitter is as confused by the inclusion of a llama in the show as am I.
I’m hoping that the twist is that the llama is the REAL Bachelor, or that the final date involves successfully training it to present a rose, or something.
I believe it was Chekhov who wrote that if you put a llama on the lawn in Act One, it must be fired by Act Three.
Tomorrow we will explore what I assume will be trending as #Stormoffgate, so please check back in.