Last night, your fearless leader, Scott Morrison, got up and gave a press conference, updating us all on what was happening with the latest coronavirus measures. It… wasn’t that easy to understand. Scott Morrison went around in a few circles, said a lot of things that really didn’t mean much, and even spelled out the word ‘barre’ at one point, because he didn’t know how to pronounce it. Hear about the whole hot mess below:
Let’s be real, it was a pretty rambling press conference, but there was some important information tucked away in there. With all the code-cracking skills I developed while working at an escape room, I’ve deciphered what the hell was going on.
Here’s what’s actually closed.
Beauty salons, nail salons, tattoo shops, and non-medical massages are out.
Real estate auctions and inspections are also gone, not that any of us were going to be able to afford a house anyway.
Sports wise, yoga and pilates studios are finally closing. So are pools and rec centres – both indoor and outdoor.
Your weekend trip to Dreamworld is canned, because amusement parks are shutting down. So are arcades, libraries, and galleries.
There have also been some changes to the restrictions in place for the few things left open.
If you head to the shops, food court are take away only, and your hairdresser can only spend a maximum of 30 mins doing your hair. Clearly we need more women and POC in parliament, because Scott Morrison might thing 30mins is enough for a hair appointment, but most of us are going to be walking around with some pretty wild looks.
Boot camps and personal training sessions are limited to ten people, and weddings are limited to the couple, the officiant, and witnesses. Unless you whack your running shoes on under your dress and call it a PT session, then I guess you can have ten people at your wedding.
Other than that, there are also not allowed any more than ten people at a funeral, and you have to stay 1.5 meters away from your grieving relatives.
Overseas travel is now totally banned. Yep, we’re all trapped here for the foreseeable future. Also schools remain open, much to the confusion of almost everybody and the frustration of a lot of teachers.
It’s not quite total lockdown yet, but these are the strictest rules we’ve had in place so far – once you can work out what Scotty from Marketing was actually saying.
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