We Deciphered Scott Morrison’s Rambling Press Conference, Here's What’s Closed

We cracked the code.

Last night, your fearless leader, Scott Morrison, got up and gave a press conference, updating us all on what was happening with the latest coronavirus measures. It… wasn’t that easy to understand. Scott Morrison went around in a few circles, said a lot of things that really didn’t mean much, and even spelled out the word ‘barre’ at one point, because he didn’t know how to pronounce it. Hear about the whole hot mess below:

Let’s be real, it was a pretty rambling press conference, but there was some important information tucked away in there. With all the code-cracking skills I developed while working at an escape room, I’ve deciphered what the hell was going on.

Here’s what’s actually closed.

Beauty salons, nail salons, tattoo shops, and non-medical massages are out.

Real estate auctions and inspections are also gone, not that any of us were going to be able to afford a house anyway.

Sports wise, yoga and pilates studios are finally closing. So are pools and rec centres – both indoor and outdoor. 

Only at home Goat yoga now

Your weekend trip to Dreamworld is canned, because amusement parks are shutting down. So are arcades, libraries, and galleries. 

There have also been some changes to the restrictions in place for the few things left open.

If you head to the shops, food court are take away only, and your hairdresser can only spend a maximum of 30 mins doing your hair. Clearly we need more women and POC in parliament, because Scott Morrison might thing 30mins is enough for a hair appointment, but most of us are going to be walking around with some pretty wild looks.

Boot camps and personal training sessions are limited to ten people, and weddings are limited to the couple, the officiant, and witnesses. Unless you whack your running shoes on under your dress and call it a PT session, then I guess you can have ten people at your wedding.

Other than that, there are also not allowed any more than ten people at a funeral, and you have to stay 1.5 meters away from your grieving relatives. 

These are the sorts of hugs we’ll need to give

Overseas travel is now totally banned. Yep, we’re all trapped here for the foreseeable future. Also schools remain open, much to the confusion of almost everybody and the frustration of a lot of teachers

It’s not quite total lockdown yet, but these are the strictest rules we’ve had in place so far – once you can work out what Scotty from Marketing was actually saying.

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You Get To Be God In This ScoMo World Game Of Thoughts And Prayers

Merry Crisis.

It’s a grim time. I know it, you know it, we all know it. Sometimes when the world seems to be caving in around us, it’s the simple stuff that brings us back from the brink. That was the case in January (which feels like a million years ago) when we all took to playing ScoMo Simulator to cope with the way our government was reacting to the bushfire crisis, and it’s what we’re doing again now. This time, some Aussie legends at ArtDisrupt have created a game called ScoMo World

The format of the game is one you’ve probably seen before: you’ve got to jump over the bad guys and collect things that will give you points. In this case though, you’re a poor, struggling Scott Morrison (complete with Hawaiian shirt and flowers on his head of course) who has to avoid such horrors as coronavirus doctors, Paul from Nelligen, and people on the street with bandannas over their mouths and toilet paper in their arms.

As for what you have to collect? Thoughts and prayers. You can never have enough of those.

It’s also a nice touch that the cursor is a bright red coronavirus germ, and that there appears to be ash falling from the sky. We really do live in the most apocalyptic timeline at the moment.

The guys behind the game are Andy and Matt. They told GOAT about what they were thinking about when they made ScoMo World.

“When you look at things that were happening in Australia this year – it’s pretty surreal and a bit like a parody. Smoke filled skies, Hawaiian holidays, the handshake, the toilet paper etc. We just started putting it all together into one environment, and we actually had trouble keeping up. Things are moving so quickly.”

“It’s a diary of Australia’s challenges and some of the reactions that our leadership offered in response to them. And however silly it is – the irony is that it’s also fairly factual.”

“We would love people to enjoy a distraction from the chaos – by playing a game about the chaos. With what we are all experiencing at the moment – having some fun has never been more important for your health. It’s also an opportunity to offer a light hearted reminder about the importance of taking responsibility for our own actions.”

We’ll come out the other side of this mess soon enough, but until then go and get your game on with ScoMo World.

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This Is How Much Money Coronavirus Is Costing Sport

The Olympics are the latest event to be postponed.

Almost every sporting event has been cancelled at this point. With the announcement this morning that the Tokyo Olympics are going to be pushed back a year, there really isn’t any practical way for other sports to go ahead this season. The Olympics was the be all and end all of sporting competitions, so with that delay comes the cancellation of everything left. The reason a lot of sports hung on this long though is money, so just how much is being lost with all these cancellations and postponements? 

Or if you’re more of a visual learner, you can check out this video…

Let’s start with the Olympics. Rio cost just over $13 billion even though first estimates only put costs at $3 billion, so to cancel or postpone an Olympics is a massive deal. Even without the cost of the games themselves, host countries get a major spike in tourist money as people come to see the games.  

Right now, Japan has reportedly spent $12.6 billion into the games, which is almost certainly going to skyrocket with the announcement of the postponing.

The average Australian full-time salary is $86K, so for a bit of perspective, the amount of money that has been put into the Tokyo Olympics you could pay for 146,511 Australians salary for a year. 

But what about other sports? Last year, the AFL’s full revenue was $793 million dollars. A third of that – $314.7 million – went back into the clubs, and just under $60 million went back into community programs like AusKick to help build up the code. The season hs been suspended until May 31st, but the AFLW season was immediately cut off at the semi finals.

The NRL have also just announced that they’re postponing their season. In 2019 they recorded a total revenue of $528 million, with a surplus of $30 million.

Outside of footy, Cricket Australia have suspended a number of ODI’s and scrapped the final of the Sheffield Shield. Cricket Australia turned over $485 million in 2019, of which $100 million went to the players and the umpires. A further $22 million went back into community cricket and local clubs.

Of course, Australia isn’t the only one getting hit with sports cancellations. The NBA’s total revenue for 2019 was $8.6 billion, with each team worth an average of just under $2 billion. The Premier League season has been put on hold, but their top earning clubs last year were making some serious cash. Liverpool made $277 million, Manchester City made $275 million, and Chelsea made $265 million.

With the global economy already in a downturn, the disruption to major sporting codes isn’t going to help the situation. When the numbers are laid out though, it’s easy to see why so many codes held on until the last minute to cancel. 

Always be in the loop with our snackable podcast breaking the biggest story of the day. Subscribe to It’s Been A Big Day For… on your favourite podcast app.

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