The 25 bachelorettes vying for Nick “Honey Badger” Cummins’ heart have been revealed. While we wait to find out if who’ll steal his heart, or more importantly, who’ll produce the best drama while locked up in that mansion, we go onto the next best thing: ranking them based on completely random and useless metrics.
Considering my area of expertise has always been “fluffing up resumes to appear way more qualified than anyone actually would be”, I figure I’m an expert at spotting a good old fake job. And whoa boy, do these 25 women have some downright fake jobs.
Of course, some of them have very real, even important jobs. So, for the sake of clarity, I’ve decided to rank these women, who may well be very nice people, from the most real job to the most absolute bullshit that wouldn’t even get you an interview at your local Coles.
25. (tie) Blair, primary school teacher
This is a real job. It’s also an incredibly overworked and underpaid one. No further discussion will be had on this.
25. (tie) Brooke, youth worker
Again, a real job that’s very undervalued. Brooke also works with Indigenous youth, which gives her even more real-job points. Again, no further discussion will be had on this.
23. Brittany, down-to-earth radiographer
This is also an important job but loses marks for the “down-to-earth” descriptor for herself. Being a radiographer is already pretty down to earth, Brittany. You don’t need to over-explain this one! Your job is important and kinda cool!
Wild that the Gilmore Girls are both contestants on the Bachelor this year pic.twitter.com/IGBHctQ2xA
— Harry Cartwright (@hazandstuff) August 12, 2018
22. Juliana, professional lifeguard
On one hand, she has probably saved a person’s life once which pushes her way down the fake job rankings. On the other, there’s a slither of a chance she just hangs out at the beach. Or worse, she’s one of those competitive lifesavers that are always on the back of Nutri-Grain boxes.
21. Ashlea, property consultant
A real job that loses points due to the false inflation of the current Australian housing market. That is to say, her job shouldn’t exist.
20. (tied) Kayla and Tenille, flight attendants.
This is a pretty beige job. I feel like flight attendants are always picked for The Bachelor because of the wink-nudge “mile high” factor that’s just a little bit sexist. But really, flight attendant life just sounds stressful. I hope both these women hit the cocktail bar up, they deserve it.
18. Sophie, property valuer
See Ashela, but Sophie gets ranked lower because she probably has a more direct role in how cooked the current housing market is.
17. Rhiannan, sales representative
Another boring and real job. However, it’s just generic enough to be hiding something else. This is a job an undercover cop would do.
16. Christina, retail manager
See Rhiannan, but gets ranked lower because if it is real, they’re probably still hiding something.
15. Renee, business analyst
This is a fake job, sure. But not the type of fake job you’d find on The Bachelor. More the type of fake job someone did before founding their own start-up (which, by the way, is also a fake job).
A quote from one of the women on #TheBachelorAU
"Competing with girls who all have modeling experience for one guy is easier than modern dating."
?
— Kat (@oopsimright) August 12, 2018
14. Vanessa, legal secretary
Vanessa describes herself as “fiercely independent”. So, despite the fact that this is a real job, she gets a higher ranking than normal, since based on this description alone, it sounds like she thinks she’s in a legal drama.
13. Emily, dance teacher
The gamut of “dance teacher” is way too broad. She could actually be doing something real that’s fun and helps the community. or she could be making 25 Insta stories a day. We don’t know, so she gets the coveted middle spot.
12. Autumn, digital designer
Read: I play with Photoshop all day.
Omg, is that a woman of colour??? On THE BACHELOR???
— Diem Nguyen (@diemng13) August 12, 2018
11. Urszula, creative director
Read: I supervise the people who play with Photoshop all day.
10. Alisha, political adviser
The Barnaby Joyce saga has taught us that this job can definitely be fake. I also once worked as a political adviser and yeah, it’s a fake job. It gets points for being “real” in that it’s waged and exists, but it’s still fake.
First images of 2016 USU President Alisha Aitken-Radburn in @TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/VThzI7vfha
— Honi Soit (@honi_soit) August 12, 2018
9. Steph, children’s entertainer
Borderline-fake, if only because I have a friend that does kids parties dressed as Elsa from Frozen and let me tell you, that shit does sound very hard. On the other hand, this is totally the type of job you’d fake if you could because it sounds fun, even if it isn’t.
8. Romy, photoshoot director
Again, another job that you’d fake because it sounds more fun than it actually is. If Romy appears in any way happy about her job, she is bullshitting everyone.
7. Suzie, Account manager
Account managers are at once a thing that every workplace has but that no workplace can confidently describe consistently. I am convinced everyone just decided they needed one and the people hired for the role decided to make it up as they went along. Very fake.
6. Cat, fashion designer
The first of what I like to call the “generic Instagram bio trio”, meaning these jobs are real but are so pervasive on social media their meaning has been reduced to nothing.
In this first case, real fashion designers are a thing. But so are thousands of girls trying desperately to push their all-new fashion label on you in sponsored posts.
5. Aleksandra, Yoga teacher
You can already picture half her Instagram posts ending with at least ten hashtags.
4. Dasha, personal trainer
The most Instagram Bio of the trio. She definitely shares sponsored Instagram stories about protein shakes and activewear, and that’s it.
3. Shannon, Car Care Consultant
Credit where it’s due, this sounds like a made-up job that sounds just real enough that you’d put it on your resume. Or, say, your application for The Bachelor. But it’s still a completely made-up job.
2. Cass, Former Miss World contestant
Former beauty pageant contestant is not a job. It literally isn’t one. It’s right there in the title: “Former”
1. Cayla, energy healer
This is bullshit. Straight-up 100% bullshit.