Bleats

You Should Be Having Drug-Enhanced Zero-Gravity Sex In Space By Now, According To This Penthouse Article From 1986

Famed sci-fi writer Arthur C. Clarke predicted 2019 would mean penis implants, orgasm drugs and space sex in a 1986 article.

What kind of sex are you having in this, the Year Of Our Lord 2019?

(Or 20-Bi-Teen, depending on who you ask.)

Are you a powerful, independent businesswoman having multiple orgasms on a spaceship with the assistance of your custom sensation-enhancing neurological supplements?

Then you done goofed. Because according to this 1986 Penthouse, that’s exactly what sex in 2019 was supposed to be like.

Arthur C. Clarke, one of the greatest science fiction writers ever, wrote an article for the September 1986 issue of the iconic magazine, looking ahead to the distant future.

The promise of tomorrow – now today – apparently included “more realistic artificial penises”, penis transplants, grow-your-own genitals for trans people, “experimenting with male pregnancy”.

2019 was chosen apparently because the Kinsey Institute reckons sexual attitudes run on a 20 year cycle, so 2001 to 2020 would be similar to the 1960s and 70s in terms of sexual freedom and openness.

I mean… sure?

Clarke discusses research involving brain implants in the pleasure centres that could be activated externally, fixing impotence and low libido with the press of a button:

“People with pleasure buttons on their belts? Women rolling around in bed moaning away with 30-minute orgasms while acetylcholine drips directly into their brains?”

 

Clarke also quotes sexologist John Money, which is an excellent combination of occupation and name, who says genetic engineering may allow people to basically change their genitals non-surgically, just how “lizards can grow a new tail at any stage of their lives”.

Apparently “you’d just tell the clitoris to backtrack” to the kind of embryonic tissue that precedes the growth of specific genitalia in the womb, then it would “grow out as a penis with skin wrapped around it instead of having a hood and labia minora”.

Presumably the reverse would also be an option?

And Clarke reckons “the best sex in 2019 … will happen 300 miles up in space”, where “[t]he most romantic hotel in the universe will be found orbiting the earth”.

“Those who prefer big breasts will enjoy sex in space. As Ben Bova, president of the National Space Institute, explains it: ‘In zero gravity, the body gets taller after a few days. You become wasp-waisted and your chest gets bigger.”

While I’m sure Elon Musk has definitely floated (heh) this idea, and/or will be really mad if he’s not the official first person to bone in space, there have been no confirmed instances of sex on the ISS – and it’d be pretty hard.

From my understanding and totally uneducated assumptions, you’d also be too focused on trying to keep all the, uh, moisture where it’s most needed to notice whether your waist was extra skinny and your boobs extra buoyant.

But Clarke wasn’t completely off. He also posited that women would have more social and cultural power, and thus more freedom to pursue sex on their own terms, flipping the image of the businessman in his corner office playing grab-ass with the nubile young secretary.

“The greatest revolution in sexuality in the next century will not be result of aphrodisiacs, electrostimulation or bionic penises. It will be the growing stature of women in society. … With [more] jobs will come money, power and prestige, and women will use this collateral for the same purpose men do: to attract members of the opposite sex.”

Heteronormative assumptions aside – I’ll use my power and prestige to try and consensually bang members of whatever gender I like, thanks – that’s definitely the most accurate guess in the whole article. We might still be a few years behind Clarke’s timeline – but we’re finally making change happen so sex is more on our terms than ever before.

Plus we have superhero sex toys. So yeah, take that, 1986.

DJ Khaled Says He Doesn’t Give Head, All Other Dudes On The Internet Want You To Know They Do

Which is worse: bragging publicly that you don't go down on your wife, getting roasted for it by The Rock and Dictionary.com, or encouraging half the dudes on Twitter to talk in detail about how much they love giving head to women?

A four-year-old interview where DJ “ANOTHER ONE” Khaled says he doesn’t go down on his wife because he’s “the king” went viral over the weekend.

I don’t really have to unpack the misogyny here, do I? The idea that giving head is a submissive act – and so it’s expected for women to do it to men, and emasculating for men to do it to anyone – is outdated as hell.

It’s whatever you and your partner make it in the (consensual) moment. Having someone’s face in and around your junk can make you feel dominant because they’re focused on your pleasure, or submissive because they’re so good you’re helpless once they get going, or it can be not about power at all because sometimes sex is actually just about mutual fun, you guys?

Lil Wayne has been bragging about how much he loves going down on women for years. And whether it’s Weezy’s influence or just another way for straight dudes to tell themselves they’re awesome, it’s well and truly accepted that giving good head is a great thing.

As DJ Khaled now surely knows, given that he’s been owned online by everyone from The Rock to Smash Mouth, Richard Marx (yeah, the guy you always and only hear on Smooth FM), and, uh, Dictionary.com.

And there’s a bunch of very performative “DJ Khaled may not eat it but I will, ladies, just saying” all over Twitter. (I’m not going to embed those here because they need neither the attention nor the shaming, but you know the type.)

You’re absolutely allowed to not do something you genuinely don’t enjoy doing in bed! That’s always, always true. But if your reasons for not enjoying something are, say, based on backwards sexist BS about gender roles and what men are entitled to, maybe you could look into developing your taste for it.

But let’s also be clear here: just going down (on anyone) is not the same as being good at it. Ask any woman who has sex with men about the worst head she’s ever had, and she will have stories: from the pain of stabby too-tense tongues and vacuum-cleaner suction, to the dudes who change it up every time you make a noise indicating they’re actually on the right track.

There’s always those dudes who heard something about tracing the alphabet or her name with your tongue when they were 15 and have never strayed from that (unless her name is PPPPPP………………………^^^^^^^^^^^°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° – in which case it might be worth a try).

 

And, of course, the dudes who treat it like an endurance sport, staying down there for 45 minutes to little effect, like it’s about putting in the time rather than doing anything specific. You’re not stirring a risotto. You’re working out a guitar solo by ear: pay attention while you play, and when it sounds right, you know your finger’s in the right place, so keep it there.

Of course, there’s no better way to learn than practice, practice, practice. Practice paying attention, practice treating women as individuals with different preferences and responses, and if you need to, practice getting off on the knowledge that you’re getting someone else off.

If you can’t manage that, you’re only playing yourself.

Redheads Having More Sex, Women Sending More Nudes, Fewer Millennials Dating Online, And Yes, Everyone’s Getting Off More Than You

According to a study by condom brand SKYN, brunettes and black-haired folks are letting the side down all over the place. I'm not saying we should all try and fix that this weekend, but... y'know.

Bad news, non-rangas: statistically, Ed Sheeran is almost definitely having more sex than you are.

The 2018 Millennial Sex Survey – a self-reported study run on behalf by Ansell’s non-latex condom brand, SKYN – surveyed nearly 4000 sexually active people in the US aged 19-36 to find out, in the very scientific and not at all pervy sense, just what’s going on in their bedrooms (and “in a car, on a car, in an airplane, school, church, party, outside, in a hot tub or pool, at the beach or in a phone booth”, given that 37.4% of condom-using respondents have done the sex in or on at least one of those).

All those memes might be working, because the number of American women regularly sending nekkid piccies is up 22% on last year’s survey – around four in ten women do it at least once a week.

#TitsOutForBarb

And yes, a whopping 77% of redheads report having sex at least once a week – well ahead of blondes at 71% and brunettes at 70%.

And rangas are also getting more bang for their buck, notching two or more orgasms per liaison (please read the word liaison in your perviest voice, because that’s the only way to do it).

Blondes, for the record, masturbate the most, with 55% looking after themselves several times a week or more often.

Wank-wise, people with brown hair bring up the rear again with 45%. What’s the deal, fellow brunettes?

But it might be getting tougher to find the ginger of your dreams – the proportion of millennials on dating apps is lower than it was last year.

In fact, fewer people are on any online dating platforms at all (21%) than were on Tinder alone last year (23%).

Understandably, given Ansell’s involvement, condom users report some pretty positive stats: 74% are more satisfied with their sex lives than not, 40% have had a threesome (higher than the average across the board) and 70% of people who use condoms regularly report their own sexual prowess as “amazing” or “very good”.

And yes, there’s always one: the percentage of people who always use lube who are satisfied with their sex lives is 69%.

#Trending

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