Shower Sex Is Dangerous, Unsexy, And Totally Not Like What The Movies Depict

Stick to the bed, it's much more comfortable.

Let’s get this out of the way straight away: sex is great.

It’s how humans have been reproducing for thousands of years, it feels good in all the right ways, and it’s healthy physical activity that you can perform in most places at home if you’re creative and/or flexible enough.

Except in the shower.

In my experience, shower sex is overrated and not as sexy as you might expect.

This is a lie.

It’s not all bad initially as the foreplay part always starts off fine. Hell, the water even adds an extra element of sensuality to the proceedings. Those first few minutes are actually great and while I would recommend stopping there as it’s all downhill from that point, your worked-up libido usually has other ideas.

When things begin to get hot and heavy, and the stage is set to move from third base to home run, this is where things get a bit considerably less sexy.

Getting yourself and your partner aligned while standing up is a bit of an issue, especially if the height difference is too great. Proper lubrication is also a big factor because water does not make for good sexy times.

You can never have too much lube.

Say you managed to line yourself and your partner up – and kudos if you do – the actual act of “doing it” is next-level difficult since moving around in the “proper” way in a shower is near-impossible and downright dangerous.

Lifting your partner up to get a good angle? The tiles are slippery so your balance is cooked, meaning the risk of dropping them and causing injury to every body part is high.

Pressing them up against a tiled wall? The tiles are cold and a bit of a mood killer. Plus the angle isn’t that great and your balance is still cooked.

Sitting down on the floor? Still cold and quite cramped depending on whether it’s an actual shower or bathtub shower combo.

Bending your partner over? Not bad but the lack of room is annoying and balance is still a worry.

Standing still? Sure, but that’s not very exciting now is it? Plus you still might end up slipping over.

In fact, my conclusion is that you’re better off having shower-adjacent sex because you have far more surfaces and heights to properly work with and there’s no worry about slipping over and causing a coitus-related injury.

And all this not even mentioning the amount of water you may end up wasting because you forgot to turn the tap off, or the number of annoyed housemates who want to use the bathroom after you.

Stop wasting water, goddamn it!

There’s every chance that I’m simply not very good at shower sex or sex in general – and I’m certain that’s a big factor – but the act has not grown on me or improved despite many attempts at trying.

I have no doubt that shower sex is great for some couples and I have to tip my hat off to those people because the most enjoyment I got out of it was when my partner and I gave up and literally just showered together (which was actually quite nice).

So here’s my not-so-great advice for those curious about getting freaky in the shower: stick to the bed or couch and leave the shower for actual showering.

Robert Pattinson Says He Smells Like A Crayon And I Need To Know Which Colour

Another wild yarn from R-Patz.

Robert Pattinson has gained quite a reputation for spinning wild yarns during interviews, but his most recent comments on his body odour have me truly shaken.

In a recent interview with Allure the star of the upcoming The Batman film said, “Lots of people tell me I smell like a crayon.”

The interviewer – understandably bewildered by this statement – then asked, “Like you’re made of wax?”

To which R-Patz responded, “Yes! Like I’m embalmed.”

I have so many questions. What colour crayon does Pattinson smell like? What brand? Is he using lots of crayons? And most importantly, who are these multiple people who are telling him he smells like crayon!? Is that an insult, or a compliment?

It’s not the first time Robert Pattinson’s scent has come up in conversation. Back in 2009, E! News reported that an unidentified source who worked “very closely” with the actor on New Moon said “he stinks.”

“I mean, it’s awful,” the source said. “He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy.”

“He completely reeks,” an unidentified crew member added. Yikes.

It’s been over a decade since then, so we can only hope Robert Pattinson has swapped his lack of showering for an obsession with crayons. 

Speaking of celebrity scents, celebrity tattoo artist Lauren Winzer dishes on what Post Malone smells like on It’s Been A Big Day For…below:

During his interview with Allure, Pattinson was also asked about being recently named the “most handsome man” in the world according to science.

“It’s weird,” he said. “I never was really up for the good-looking-guy roles, because I’ve always been quite awkward when meeting people.”

“My Harry Potter role was a good-looking guy, and it was a shock that it was quite easy to get. And then in Twilight, [Edward is] beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. When I turned up for the auditions, I had done a job where I’d dyed my hair black, because I had an inch and a half of roots, and I had waxed my body. And then I had a few months where I’d been drinking beer all day, so I had this hairless, chubby body. I looked like a baby with a wig on.”

Hairless, chubby, waxed or smelling like a crayon – we’ll take Robert Pattinson any which way.

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