Bleats

All The Gifts Scott Morrison Could Have Given The Queen Instead Of A Racehorse Biography

At least he didn't offer her a shoey.

When you’re meeting Queen Elizabeth II for the very first time, you’d want to make a good impression by dressing well and getting her an awesome gift to really show that you care (and followed all the royal protocols).

But when you’re Scott Morrison, well, you do things a little differently.

Ol’ mate and his wife, Jenny, met up with the Queen at Buckingham palace for the first time since he was elected PM and he brought her a gift for the occasion. But rather than something grandoise like an elephant, or an exotic trinket like a shark teeth sword, Scott gave her a biography on Winx, that champion racehorse he’s weirdly fascinated about.

Seriously, he gave the Queen a book about a horse.

He put in as much effort in getting the Queen this gift as he did last Mother’s day.

Not sure if a book about a racehorse is something the Queen fancies, let alone one that was gifted to her in a daggy shopping bag straight from Dymocks or Big W.

Hell, when Prince Harry and Meghan came to Australia, they got showered with over 200 gifts that included two didgeridoos and a heap of baby stuff for Archie. But hey at least it was signed by the author and Winx’s owners so that’s gotta count for something.

As far as gifts to the Queen go, we felt Scotty could’ve done a bit better so we decided to spice up their meeting with a bunch of other Aussie things he could’ve given her instead.

For all we know, the Queen could be a massive AFL fan.

Some Shannon Noll tunes is never a bad thing.

Or perhaps she’s more of a John Farnham fan.

Rissoles, anyone?

Here’s hoping the Queen has a sweet tooth.

And for dessert: A Woolies mud cake!

The Best Jokes Of The 2019 Federal Election Campaign That Went Way Further Than Intended

These are tough times and we could all use a laugh. Or six.

Well folks, after weeks of a pretty contentious campaign that involved eggings, horrible attacks on people’s mums, and personal space invaders, the 2019 federal election is nearly over.

But the real journey of this campaign wasn’t trying to figure out who will guide Australia to a better future or the friends we’ve all made along the way. No, the real journey were all the jokes that came out of the campaign and proceeded to go way further than anyone could’ve expected.

Some good jokes came out of this year’s campaign but the following three got so out of hand that future historians are going to have a field day trying to figure exactly just went on during this period of Australian history.

I have no idea nor am I even going to try to figure that one out.

Michael Hing’s One Asian Party

Seeing as how there were several seriously ridiculous parties and candidates this election, it’s a no brainer that someone would also try their hand at getting on the ballot as some sort of comedic pisstake on the state of Australian politics.

And that’s exactly what The Feed‘s Michael Hing did when he launched his One Asian party in April.

The joke was objectively one of the best things to happen this election but things started snowballing and actually got somewhat out of hand.

Hingers actually started getting some momentum behind him as he began to pop up on talk shows and radio programs to talk about his “party’s” platform, which was basically “let the people figure out policy stuff for me,” and people began to rally behind him on social media. Hell, he even managed to score a political endorsement from Stormy Daniels (after he paid her $250), which is a win no matter how you look at it.

While it would’ve been nice to see Hingers go all the way to the Senate, he sadly didn’t make the ballot. Not because he was embroiled in some scandal or anything but because of that part in Section 44 of the Australian Constitution that states you can’t be on the ballot if you hold “an office of profit under the Crown,” which he does since he works for SBS.

RIP One Asian Party, you will be missed but boy did we have some laughs.

Chloe Shorten’s husband

The folks at The Feed are pumping some gems these days and their running gag on Chloe Shorten is just fantastic.

Since no one really knew or gave a crap about Bill Shorten prior to the election, Jenna Owen and Victoria Zerbst pumped out a brilliant little skit that revolved around coming up with the “campaign strategy” of “Vote No.1 Chloe Shorten’s…husband” as a way to make Bill somewhat likable.

Things jumped up a notch when the duo doubled down on the gag in a follow-up video in which they produced a cardboard “clone” of Chloe and tagged along Bill’s campaign trail in an attempt to get some sort of reaction.

Which they absolutely did.

Folks went along with it, people greeted the “clone” like a real person, and Bill capped it all off by going along with the joke when he said, “vote no.1 for Chloe Shorten’s husband.”

Personally, the best moment was when Victoria quipped “Oh my god, I love that, see men can be funny, it’s really cute!”

Then things went completely meta on the eve of the election as Bill was spotted wearing a “Vote no.1 for Chloe Shorten’s husband” during his morning run.

Good on Bill for trying to own the joke, which is more than what we can say for the next entry…

Scott Morrison and what happened at Engadine Maccas in 1997

The biggest question on everyone’s mind during this election wasn’t who had the better tax plan or who will do better regarding climate change.

No, the thing people really cared about was this: Did Scott Morrison did shat himself at Engadine McDonalds after the Cronulla sharks lost the grand final in 1997?

It’s an important question and one that initially came up when hip-hop artist Joyride dropped the rumour on Twitter after Morrison became PM back in 2018.

Since then, the mystery of Morrison and what went on with his bowels in 97 has captured people’s imagination, so much so it overshadowed some of his campaign promises.

From “serious” in-depth investigations into whether it was plausible to Engadine Maccas fully embracing the myth by installing a plaque commemorating Morrison’s alleged 1997 visit, everything really did go out of hand for what is essentially a poo joke.

We may never know the answer to whether Morrison filled his pants back in 1997 and he hasn’t said anything about the alleged incident. One thing’s for sure though, it is a joke that had some serious legs and remained in the public consciousness for far longer than it really should’ve.

But hey, it did give us one of the greatest covert burns we’ll ever see. Greens senator Mehreen Faruqi recently shared a Twitter thread that initially sounds like a pretty standard election push but is in reality a well hidden jab.

Check out the full thread and take note of the first letter of each tweet. You won’t be disappointed.

How On Earth Did Gay People Going To Hell Become An Election Debate In 2019?

Just...how?

This year’s federal election has seen Scott Morrison and Bill Shorten go head-to-head on several big topics, such as taxes, climate change, and Space Invaders. The pair have butted heads on so many debate topics that you’d think a ridiculous issue like, say, gay people going to hell would be incredibly far down on the list of things to talk about.

Well folks, it appears we were wrong because that exact topic has come up.

On Monday, Morrison was asked by a reporter, “What’s your belief, do gay people go to hell?”, to which he replied, “I support the law of the country and I always don’t mix my religion with politics and my faith with politics.”

Hmmm, that’s not really a yes or no answer. That bit about not mixing religion with politics is also interesting considering the comments he made during the Liberal party campaign launch last weekend but that’s getting off topic.

After tip-toeing around that question for a day, Morrison finally issued out a statement clarifying that no, he definitely doesn’t believe that gay people go to hell, not at all, and it’s all Bill Shorten’s fault for bringing up the topic.

Morrison pinning this whole thing on Shorten is quite ridiculous but the Labor leader isn’t totally innocent here.

Rather than take the high road, Shorten got into the mud and threw some shots at Morrison, saying:

“I cannot believe in this election that there is a discussion even under way that gay people will go to hell.

“I cannot believe that the Prime Minister has not immediately said that gay people will not go to hell.”

For the record, Shorten did unequivocally say that he doesn’t believe gay people will go to hell because they’re gay, so he’s answered that question properly.

But ol’ Bill did bring up a very good point in his statement, which is why is there even a discussion in this federal election over whether gay people will go to hell.

Good question.

LGBTQI rights are obviously a big topic that needs to be discussed in a productive manner but approaching it from the angle of, “will they go to hell”, isn’t the way to go about it. If anything, it seems like debates on the issue have somehow gone backwards after the legalisation of same-sex marriage in 2017, which should’ve put an end to any opposition against the LGBTQI community.

But hey, based on some of the stuff that’s unfolded in the 2019 federal election so far, we shouldn’t be too surprised about anything at this point.

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