Bafflingly, School Shooting Survivors Don’t Think Transparent Backpacks Will Fix Gun Violence

As everyone knows, gun violence is merely a symptom of when luggage is insufficiently opaque.

While the question of whether or not children should accept the possibility of being murdered as a precondition of getting an education continues to be a perfectly reasonable topic of hot debate in the US, some people are looking past the problem and honing in on practical, real-world solutions.

And the one thing that every right-thinking person can agree upon is that guns don’t kill people: non-see-through backpacks do.

And this Marjory Stoneman Douglas High in Parkland – the site of the recent mass shooting that saw 17 people lose their lives – have instituted a ban on all bags that are not transparent. Problem solved!

Oddly, however, the students have not taken to this with enthusiasm, coming up with silly and childish counter arguments like “you can still hide guns in the things in the bags, you realise?” and “the person that shot up the place wasn’t even a current student and didn’t bring his weapons in via his school bag so how the actual hell is this meant to have protected us?” and also “how does us having transparent backpacks save kids in other schools, exactly, since this is a national problem?” Kids today, eh? Always selfishly thinking about themselves, and each other, and how not to be killed.

The students, therefore, have taken to putting stickers and slogans on their bags – almost as though they don’t want people to see absolutely everything they’re carrying around.

And look, we have to ask: if you’re a child worried about some complete stranger seeing your tampons or reading your name and address off a document you’ve failed to adequately disguise in your schoolbag, then what do you have to hide?

Still, since all the actual solutions – you know, like not letting absolutely everyone have access to firearms whenever they want to, for example – is off the table, then translucent plastic will have to do.

Robert Pattinson Says He Smells Like A Crayon And I Need To Know Which Colour

Another wild yarn from R-Patz.

Robert Pattinson has gained quite a reputation for spinning wild yarns during interviews, but his most recent comments on his body odour have me truly shaken.

In a recent interview with Allure the star of the upcoming The Batman film said, “Lots of people tell me I smell like a crayon.”

The interviewer – understandably bewildered by this statement – then asked, “Like you’re made of wax?”

To which R-Patz responded, “Yes! Like I’m embalmed.”

I have so many questions. What colour crayon does Pattinson smell like? What brand? Is he using lots of crayons? And most importantly, who are these multiple people who are telling him he smells like crayon!? Is that an insult, or a compliment?

It’s not the first time Robert Pattinson’s scent has come up in conversation. Back in 2009, E! News reported that an unidentified source who worked “very closely” with the actor on New Moon said “he stinks.”

“I mean, it’s awful,” the source said. “He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy.”

“He completely reeks,” an unidentified crew member added. Yikes.

It’s been over a decade since then, so we can only hope Robert Pattinson has swapped his lack of showering for an obsession with crayons. 

Speaking of celebrity scents, celebrity tattoo artist Lauren Winzer dishes on what Post Malone smells like on It’s Been A Big Day For…below:

During his interview with Allure, Pattinson was also asked about being recently named the “most handsome man” in the world according to science.

“It’s weird,” he said. “I never was really up for the good-looking-guy roles, because I’ve always been quite awkward when meeting people.”

“My Harry Potter role was a good-looking guy, and it was a shock that it was quite easy to get. And then in Twilight, [Edward is] beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. When I turned up for the auditions, I had done a job where I’d dyed my hair black, because I had an inch and a half of roots, and I had waxed my body. And then I had a few months where I’d been drinking beer all day, so I had this hairless, chubby body. I looked like a baby with a wig on.”

Hairless, chubby, waxed or smelling like a crayon – we’ll take Robert Pattinson any which way.

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