Bleats

Nothing Captures How Horny Teens Are Quite Like These Riverdale Cheerleaders Giving A Bootleg Elvis Performance At The Local Jail

Juvenile Detention looks deceptively fun.

Riverdale is determined to be a show known for two things: it’s ‘dark’, and it’s ‘sexy’. Think Betty’s ‘Mad World’ strip tease. Think Archie’s gang of masked-but-shirtless vigilantes. At it’s core, it’s a bunch of horny teens (and their hot parents) running around in a sinister town being totally extra.

But ever since Riverdale added ‘musical’ to its list of attributes, the balance has been thrown off. That’s the only way we can explain this ‘Jailhouse Rock’ music video. The clip from next week’s episode is horniness out of hand at the local Detention Centre.

 

In a show that loves doom and gloom, you would think Archie going to Juvenile Detention would be morbid as hell, but instead they’ve gone full Crybaby and the lust hormones are outshining every other aspect of plot and possibility on the show.

Juvenile Detention looks more like an all-boys private school yard than anything else, and this bootleg Elvis performance feels born out of a teen boy’s semi-pornographic fantasy.

What’s really weird is that the prisoners are going absolutely WILD for the cheerleader’s sultry performance (go girls), and look like they’re about to pull down the fencing around the jail…

…Until they start playing football??? The ladies are still dancing guys what are you doing? Pay attention? Have some respect???

Apparently Archie has his reasons for starting a ball game in the middle of his girlfriend’s performance, but I’m honestly surprised he could look away from this bizarre and sexually charged encounter for even a second. Riverdale, you keep doing you.

The Hot Dads Of Riverdale Are Officially More Important Than The Show’s Teen Heart Throbs, Or Am I Just Getting Old?

Riverdale kicked off season three with a Hot Dad team up for the ages.

Riverdale is back for another season of comically absurd teen drama and it’s as wild as ever. But our investment in the dreamy boys of the ‘teen’ cast is fading almost as fast as our burgeoning lust for the older generation is burning us up.

They’ve surpassed Bughead the broody loner-turned-Serpent-King.

They’ve surpassed Archie the-hunky-but-consistently-stupid-decision-maker Andrews.

They are the Hot Dads of Riverdale, and they’re hear to f**k s**t up.

They’ve been attracting an increasingly potent level of attention from viewers, but in the premiere episode of season three it became abundantly clear that the Hot Dad Brigade is officially more important than any of their hunky sons. Sorry guys that’s just the way it is.

While the kids are busy making their various messes and respective bad decisions (@ArchieAndrews), the Hot Dads are banding together to save the day.

So let’s turn our attention to the official Hot Dad Brigade where it belongs. To start, out on the streets of Riverdale, fighting for good, we have none other than Fred Andrews.

Daddy Andrews (AKA Luke Perry of 90210 fame), is understated, level-headed, empathetic, and cute as heck. He is a hard worker and also currently single.

We also have Sheriff Keller (Martin Cummins), who was once a prime Black Hood suspect revealed to be merely a buff, law abiding, silver fox. Sorry we ever doubted you Sheriff.

Then we have bad-boy Dad FP Jones (Skeet Ulrich), who has seen some things. He’s straddled the border of good and bad and come out of prison reformed and ready to fight for what’s right. What a dreamboat.

Also FP in glasses. Ooft.

Seeing these Hot Dads of Riverdale brought together by a need to protect their town and their young from Evil (but also hot) Dad Hiram Lodge (Mark Conseulos) was better than literally anything else that happened in the episode.

Molly Ringwald defending accused-murderer Archie Andrews? Scooby Gang coming up with dumb-ass ideas to save him? Betty calling herself Serpent Queen???

We’ll take the Hot Dads please and thank you very much.

In conclusion, whether or not you’re comfortable with using the term ‘Daddy’, you must accept that the fathers on Riverdale are the most important thing on the show.

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