Bleats

9 Dinosaurs Ranked By How Good They’d Treat You In A Relationship

Welcome to the official ranking of The Best Dinosaurs To Date Based On Their Vibe.

Whether you’re a big fan of dinosaurs like me, you lust over the thought of life when dinosaurs still existed and the world wasn’t burning from the outside in, or you found yourself here by accident, welcome to the official ranking of The Best Dinosaurs To Date Based On Their Vibe.

9. Tyrannosaurus

If you’ve ever thought of dating a Tyrannosaurus Rex, don’t. The T-Rex is the epitome of overcompensation and toxic masculinity, and those tiny arms have been the downfall of this reptilian f*ckboy. This dinosaur definitely don’t pass the vibe check when it comes to relationship material.

Horrible personality but a tyrannosaurus rex will give you passionate tyranno-sex, if you’re into that kinda thing.

James, ex of a T-Rex.

8. Velociraptor

This lizard boy is, for sure, hitting your phone up when you’re out for drinks after work, asking where you are and what time you’re coming home. You don’t need this Bad Vibe Velociraptor bringing you down because he’s insecure.

Just don’t.

Tara, President of the ‘Once You Go Velo, You’ll Never Date Another Fellow’ club.

7. Triceratops

This beef-cake is enough to make anyone vegan. I see this dinosaur as an overbearing boyf who doesn’t have a real job and thinks that cheering his mates on at the free weights counts as ‘personal training’.

He’s got great arms and he’s limber in bed, but he’s the kind of dino to take a whole ass bite out your brie wheel and forget your birthday in the same day.

Kahlua, dating a nice dino now.

6. Diplodocus

This dinosaur has all the right gear to be relationship material but doesn’t know how to use it. The Diplo was raised right, is well-endowed and will make you laugh. Unfortunately, the rumours are true and The Mattress is ON the floor, which means the vibes are OFF.

He took me back to his room and I don’t know if I was more mortified by the lack of bed frame, or the multiple empty cans of Lynx Africa.

Tenille, pegged up.

5. Brontosaurus

If you want a middle-of-the-road-your-parents-will-like-them-doesn’t-offend-anyone-and-is-probably-a-Libra dinosaur to date, you can’t go past a Brontosaurus. This dinosaur will treat you nice but if there was ever an instance that you needed them in a crisis, they’d run in the other direction and a very slow and non-offensive pace.

Bronte was a good rebound.

Bella, also a Libra.

4. Stegosaurus

As the Stegosaurus a herbivore, you’ll be in for a lot of tasty vegan/ vegetarian dinner dates – which means you’ll be exploring your tastebuds and venturing into other cultures. Who doesn’t want to enrich their life through their palette? This dinosaur is a connoisseur of taste and elegance.

We frequented ‘Lentil As Anything’ in Newtown, NSW. He never got sick of chickpea salads…

Gary, orders a meat-lovers pizza for himself.

3. Gorgosaurus

The Gorgosaurus will take you on fun and cool dates to museums, sex shops, gigs – you name it – and you’ll never be bored. The only reason this dinosaur is not at the top of the list is because they never want to CHILL. Sometimes you just need to chill, Gorg.

I’m thoroughly exhausted.

Laura, asleep.

2. Albertosaurus

I know Albertosaurus looks like a tiny, angry person but if you can get past it, they’ll treat you so good. They’ll back you in a fight, they’ll make great cheese boards and they’re really good with kids. Catch this dinosaur kicking it with the cousins playing Mario Kart on Boxing Day and living his best life.

My dad loved when I dated an Albertosaurus.

Nic, currently dating a T-Rex.

1. Allosaurus

Sweet angel Allosaurus is just trying his best. He’ll always do right by you – will buy you tampons when you run out, sends you playlists he’ll think you like and can throw it back at a good party. He’s cute as f*ck, your parents will love him and he makes the literal best lasagne you’ve ever tasted. A+

Baby.

Grace, literally just vibing.

Robert Pattinson Says He Smells Like A Crayon And I Need To Know Which Colour

Another wild yarn from R-Patz.

Robert Pattinson has gained quite a reputation for spinning wild yarns during interviews, but his most recent comments on his body odour have me truly shaken.

In a recent interview with Allure the star of the upcoming The Batman film said, “Lots of people tell me I smell like a crayon.”

The interviewer – understandably bewildered by this statement – then asked, “Like you’re made of wax?”

To which R-Patz responded, “Yes! Like I’m embalmed.”

I have so many questions. What colour crayon does Pattinson smell like? What brand? Is he using lots of crayons? And most importantly, who are these multiple people who are telling him he smells like crayon!? Is that an insult, or a compliment?

It’s not the first time Robert Pattinson’s scent has come up in conversation. Back in 2009, E! News reported that an unidentified source who worked “very closely” with the actor on New Moon said “he stinks.”

“I mean, it’s awful,” the source said. “He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy.”

“He completely reeks,” an unidentified crew member added. Yikes.

It’s been over a decade since then, so we can only hope Robert Pattinson has swapped his lack of showering for an obsession with crayons. 

Speaking of celebrity scents, celebrity tattoo artist Lauren Winzer dishes on what Post Malone smells like on It’s Been A Big Day For…below:

During his interview with Allure, Pattinson was also asked about being recently named the “most handsome man” in the world according to science.

“It’s weird,” he said. “I never was really up for the good-looking-guy roles, because I’ve always been quite awkward when meeting people.”

“My Harry Potter role was a good-looking guy, and it was a shock that it was quite easy to get. And then in Twilight, [Edward is] beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. When I turned up for the auditions, I had done a job where I’d dyed my hair black, because I had an inch and a half of roots, and I had waxed my body. And then I had a few months where I’d been drinking beer all day, so I had this hairless, chubby body. I looked like a baby with a wig on.”

Hairless, chubby, waxed or smelling like a crayon – we’ll take Robert Pattinson any which way.

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