Bleats

Here Are All The Creepy Things R Kelly Rapped About In His New 19-Minute Song Since No One Has The Time To Listen To The Whole Thing

It's like OJ Simpson's book "If I Did It" reimagined as Trapped In The Closet but somehow even more unsettling.

When you’re facing allegations and potential legal battles over your dodgy behaviour, the number one thing to do in this situation is to keep your mouth shut.

Unless you’re R Kelly.

In a move that will surely annoy his lawyers, the rapper released an epic 19-minute rap track titled “I Admit” that addresses a long list of allegations and controversies directed at him over the years, such as sexual misconduct, abuse, forming sex cults, kidnapping, and being a general creep in the music industry.

If you’re expecting the song to be something of a confession then you’re going to be disappointed.

Over the course of 19 infuriating minutes, Kelly basically absolves himself of any wrongdoing, thinks having relationships with underaged women is perfectly normal, and airs his grievances against haters and Spotify.

It’s definitely … something.

Since no one has the time or stomach to listen to an R Kelly song these days, let alone a 19-minute one, I took the plunge so you didn’t have to.

So brace yourselves for a verse-by-verse breakdown of every creepy and infuriating thing Kelly rapped about in “I Admit”.

Verse 1

Kelly starts off admitting he’s made some mistakes and is riddled with flaws, such as how he dropped out of school and doesn’t go to church. Alright then.

So far, the worst thing he’s confessed to is sleeping with a couple of fans before humblebragging he’s a gift and a curse.

Verse 2

More woe-is-me type stuff about how he partied too hard, did too many drugs, slept with too many fans, and made his mum cry.

Things suddenly interesting at the end when he confesses to cheating on his girlfriend by sleeping with her best friend in the back of his Mercedes Benz. Classy.

Verse 3

More admissions (and slight whinging) over how he trusts people too much, how he’s controlled by industry people, how people have screwed him over, and how he just needs a hug.

Interestingly, Kelly raps about how “they” are trying to lock him up like “Bill”. Not sure if comparing yourself to Bill Cosby is the best move here.

Verse 4

Here we go, he finally starts addressing his laundry list of inexcusable behaviour by calling it a “big ass conspiracy” before calling all his fans who stuck by him a “blessing”.  Definitely a disturbing tone of “I did nothing wrong” emerging.

Verse 5

Wow, now this is a bombshell of a verse.

In the midst of more whinging, Kelly confesses he’s a “freak” and admits that he “f**k with all that ladies” young and old before inexplicably defending his actions by calling paedophilia “crazy”.

He also takes a shot at talk show host Wendy Williams for grilling him and saying how he is illiterate.

Verse 6

Kelly drifts into disturbing territory and says he was allegedly sexually abused by a family member when he was a child.

He then shifts gear and slams Spotify for taking his music off its platform when reports of sexual misconduct allegations and being the alleged leader of a sex cult against him came up last year.

Kelly quickly moves onto criticising some of the details in those aforementioned reports and basically called them rubbish.

Using his “I did nothing wrong” tone again, Kelly absolves himself from any wrongdoing by saying how he isn’t in the wrong even if he did any of those reported things.

I think I need a break from listening for a bit.

Verse 7

Here we go, Kelly directly addresses the sex cult allegations by questioning what a “sex cult” even is.

Oh boy, he goes on to defend his behaviour in the worst way possible by saying he’s “just a man”. No, just no.

“Look I’m just a man y’all (man y’all)

Not a monster or beast (no, no)

But I admit there are times when these girls so fine, they’ll chill with a n***a for a week (oh, for a week).”

Verse 8

The whole final verse is just Kelly straight up defending himself from everything and basically saying how he’s just a flawed human being.

In a dramatic climax, he hits out at everyone calling him out on his behaviour before dropping the mic and essentially declaring “I do what I want and no one can stop me”.

And that’s R Kelly’s “I Admit” in a nutshell.

That 19-minute odyssey was less of a confession from Kelly and more of an incredibly messed up defense on how everything he did is perfectly fine.

I need a good, long shower now.

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