Bleats

The Shoey Is Thriving In 2020, So Strap Yourselves In

The trend that will never die.

Ahh shoeys. Is there anything that quite so succinctly tells the world “Welcome to Australia. We’re a bunch of degenerates. Enjoy your stay!” And if you’re one of the people who shudders at the thought of drinking from a shoe, then I have bad news for you: they aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

‘Straya

Case in point. Over New Years, I was one of the many unwashed hippies who headed off to the Byron Bay leg of Falls Festival. On the first day the parklands were soggy af, but by day two they’d dried out and turned into the sort of dust bowl that leaves you coated in a layer of dirt 15 minutes after you’ve shown up. 

Imagine, if you will, the state of people’s shoes

Poor Lewis Capaldi was the one who copped a crowd chanting “Shoey. Shoey. Shoey.” He tried telling the crowd he couldn’t do one because he didn’t have a shoe or alcohol, so naturally someone chucked a brown shoe (I don’t think it was meant to be brown) and one of those squeezy yogurt packets that’s technically banned from every festival up on the stage. It was bad. 

Poor Lewis…

We all know that shoeys are up there with one of the most foul things you can do, and science found enough gross microbes on the average shoe to give you things like septicaemia, pneumonia, food poisoning, vomiting, nausea, and diarrhoea. So that’s great.

So why do they refuse to die?

My best theory is because Australians are weird as shit. We convinced a Scottish journalist she was holding a drop bear, invented a national sport out of pegging a goon bag to a clothesline, and bitch forever if we go to the polls and don’t get a democracy sausage. (My local polling booth wasn’t selling them last year and I’m still mad about it, but anyway…)

It’s been months but I still want my democracy sausage.

Keep on keeping on, Australia. Embrace the shoey, but maybe keep a couple of anti-nausea pills on hand just in case.

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If The Bushfires Have Got You Down, Here’s Something To Get You Off

When we said the country was screwed, this isn't what we meant.

Sex sells. I know it, you know it, we all know it. Every now and the though, people can harness the power of selling sex to make a major difference. Case in point: the Down Under Donation Dildo. 

‘Straya

Before this dildo there was Kaylen Ward, better known as The Naked Philanthropist, who raised a ton of money by sending nudes to anyone who could prove that they’d donated over $10 to the Australian bushfire relief efforts.

Now we have some legends over at geekysextoys.com (which is, in fact, a real website) who have released the previously mentioned Down Under Donation Dildo. It’s as true blue as they come, and all of the profits off it are going to bushfire relief. 

Alright, I know you want to know what it looks like. Here.

Worse than you expected? Same. I didn’t really know what to expect when I first heard about this, but I’ll admit it wasn’t this. The particular part that kills me is the little koala sitting at the base of the bright yellow shaft. That koala has seen / will see some shit.

The Down Under Donation Dildo is made in Australia and is aptly priced at $69 dollarydoos, just in case you thought it couldn’t get any better. 

The amount of money raised for the bushfires has been absolutely staggering, and the whole world seems to have chipped it. It’s heartening to see during a really difficult time, and although this is one of the most… creative… methods we’ve seen so far of raising funds, every bit helps. 

So good on Geeky Sex Toys and their patriotic wang, may they sell heaps and raise as much money as possible. 

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‘Operation Rock Wallaby’ Is Good News In A Bleak Time

The wholesome story I’m desperately clinging to.

The Australian bushfires are just insane, but you don’t need me to tell you that. Smoke from the blazes are covering massive parts of the country that have managed to avoid the flames, and the sheer scale of the disaster means that the smoke has blown as far as South America. There’s not much good news going around, but Operation Rock Wallaby is the wholesome story I’m desperately clinging to. 

We know that the amount of animals killed in the fires is estimated to be over a billion at this point, but some animals have managed to survive. Those that have are faced with a burned landscape and not a lot of anything left, and it’s damn hard to find food and water when everything has been flattened by the flames.

Operation Rock Wallaby is the new mission to drop thousands of kilos of carrots and sweet potatoes over burned areas for the remaining animals to chow down on. Specifically they’re targeting the brush-tailed rock wallabies, but I don’t think too many animals would pass up a chance at a meal.

Credit: NSW Government

So far the drops have happened in Kangaroo Valley, the Capertee and Wolgan valleys, the Yengo, Jenolan, Oxley Wild Rivers and Curracubundi national parks. Matt Kean, the NSW Minister for Energy & Environment, has said this is one of the most widespread drops ever to go ahead.

Credit: NSW Government

It’s a rough time, and the news just gets harder and harder to watch. The thought of starving wallabies being saved by food falling out of the sky is one of the first things to bring a smile to my face in a while, and I’m absolutely going to be crying over it for the next week.

Always be in the loop with our snackable podcast breaking the biggest story of the day. Subscribe to It’s Been A Big Day For… on your favourite podcast app.

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