ASAP Rocky Sounds Really Desperate To Let Everyone Know He's Great In Bed

We believe you, ASAP Rocky. Honestly.

It goes without saying that ASAP Rocky hasn’t had a great 2019. After finding himself in serious legal jeopardy following an assault in Sweden, an alleged sex tape supposedly involving the rapper and a mystery woman has leaked online and according to folks who have seen it, it was a pretty subpar display of cocksmanship.

That’s gotta hurt.

After the internet had a field day roasting the dude’s bedroom performance in the leaked sex tape, ASAP Rocky responded with an impassioned defence of his dong and bedroom skills that’ll make Jason Derulo green with envy.

Taking to Twitter with the all-caps key turned on, ASAP Rocky claims that he, his dong and his dong’s “defense attorney” are “prepared 2 deny any slow strokes” or any lack of, ahem, “killin the pussy.”

Just to make sure you really know that he’s totally had sexytimes with lots of ladies and they were all complimentary of his skills, the rapper writes “a long list of satisfied women can attest too.”

And as a cherry on top, ASAP Rocky has a few strong words for all the haters who were critical of his bedroom ability, writing “but the real punchline is seeing ppl who never f**ked him rate him.”

Bravo, ASAP Rocky, bravo.

Never mind that it is unconfirmed whether the rapper was indeed the dude in the leaked sex tape, the fact that he went out of his way to share such a loud and boisterous Twitter defence of his wang is hilarious (and a little sad since he could’ve easily just ignored all of his detractors).

In the meantime, best keep all critical comments of the rapper’s bedroom ability on the DL or he, his dong and his dong’s “defense attorney” will be after you with another Twitter message written in all-caps.

Maybe ASAP Rocky and Jason Derulo should hang out sometime since both seem to really like talking about their dicks.

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Funny How The Brie Larson Hate Train Stopped Once She Showed Her Cleavage

The silence is pretty nice actually.

For some unknown reason, the male incel part of internet really, really hates Brie Larson, especially after the release of Captain Marvel. So when she stepped onto the Jimmy Kimmel Live TV stage as its guest host, you’d expect the hate train to continue chugging along.

Except that’s not what happened at all. In fact, the trolls were almost nowhere to be seen. Given their proclivity dogpile on anything related to Brie Larson, their silence is quite weird.

Now I’m not a mind reader or anything but I have a hunch this might have something to do with what Brie was wearing as Jimmy Kimmel’s temporary replacement:

Brie Larson looked absolutely stunning and I firmly believe there has to be some correlation between her low-cut dress and the bushfires that are raging in Australia.

Not only was the internet collectively thirsting over Brie, who went viral online and trended everywhere for her Jimmy Kimmel guest hosting gig, watching her interview Jamie Foxx was the most entertaining game of “maintain eye contact at all costs” we’ve witnessed in a very long time.

For all the laughs she brought and the internet’s horny tweets, the loudest response to Brie’s Jimmy Kimmel Live guest-hosting stint was ironically the relative lack of noise made by the legion of Brie Larson-hating trolls.

If you go through the comments reacting to Brie’s performance – which touched on incel-triggering topics like being Captain Marvel, badass female superheroes, and Nancy Pelosi kicking arse at Donald Trump’s impeachment – almost all of them are about her dress, how gorgeous she looked and *sigh* her cleavage.

It’s almost like puffy-chested bros are perfectly fine when women like Brie Larson dress themselves up but are preprogrammed to go back to hating them when they do literally anything else.

Funny that.

The male incel portion of the internet must be so confused right now. Here’s hoping they stay that way indefinitely because they’re silent right now and it’s actually pretty nice.

Someone needs to give Brie Larson her own late night talk show because she killed her Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host gig and we need more of her on our screens. To quote Brie herself, she “gets sh*t done.”

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Gwyneth Paltrow Is Her Own Christmas Miracle After Gifting Herself A Vibrator

It's beginning to look a lot like a Goopy Christmas.

For all the crap we heap on Gwyneth Paltrow – and boy has there been a lot of crap – the one thing we have to admire is the way she brushes off all the quips lobbed in her direction and continues to live her life. Case in point: she’s going to gift herself a Goop-branded vibrator this Christmas and she’s goddamn proud of it.

Speaking of women living their best life…

In an ad promoting Goop’s line of super-expensive Christmas stuff (called G. Label) folks might be interested in buying for themselves or other unfortunate souls, we see Gwyneth Paltrow posing up a storm with her products, all while a baritone voiceover drops cheeky lines and innuendos like “someone’s double-fisting and dammit, she’s earning it” as she’s holding a martini in each hand.

But the pièce de résistance of the ad is when we see Gwenny reach into a Christmas stocking and pull out a Goop vibrator (which looks like a week-old carrot that’s been left in the fridge TBH), all while the voiceover says things like “don’t forget about number one” and “yes, that is a vibrator.”

You know what, good on you Gwyneth Paltrow for gifting yourself a Goop vibrator and owning it. That’s the kind of DGAF energy we admire here at GOAT.

For those who are curious about Gwenny’s wilted carrot vibrator, you can buy it on the Goop website for around $130AUD, which is actually not that bad compared to other vibrators on the market and is certainly far better than the other random crap that’s sold on there (*cough* jade eggs *cough*).

Being the maker of your own Christmas miracle while bring Joy to the (and her) world is a hell of a mood from the one and only Gwyneth Paltrow. Please don’t ever stop doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Always be in the loop with our snackable podcast breaking the biggest story of the day. Subscribe to It’s Been A Big Day For… on your favourite podcast app.

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