I would like to interrupt whatever you’re doing to announce that residual poo has probably been festering on your face since you were a child thanks to your parents.
Of all the horrible places your mum and dad have put their mouths (like, on each other, EW) you probably never thought poo was an issue. You probably thought you were in the safe poo zone. The no faeces area. But how wrong you were my friend, how wrong we all were, ‘cause Reddit user designerturtle has opened my eyes to a dark (brown) reality:
Bit. Down. On. Poo.
I feel like I need to disinfect my whole body after reading that.
The worst part is that it gets worse. Because this mum isn’t the only one with a poo incident. Heaps of people started commenting on the thread with their own poo stories. They’re disgusting but I can’t look away.
User isawakoala wrote:
”I’ve accidentally ate baby poop too. It tasted like clay. Somehow, a little nugget escaped my son’s diaper and ended up on my plate of eggs and sausage. It looked like a fucking piece of sausage! Into my mouth it goes. Something is wrong. It dawns on me. I spit it out and brush my teeth a hundred times.”
I CAN TASTE IT.
I can’t believe I’m asking this, but I need to know: does it taste like it smells?
“It tastes exactly like it smells, except surprisingly sweet, too,” designerturtle responded.
I’m sorry, sweet? SWEET??? Sweet should only be used to describe dessert and my personality.
*screams internally*
So there you have it folks, apparently eating poo as a parent isn’t so rare.
Which means it’s very possible that my parents and your parents have a similar story.
To think they have kissed me with that mouth. I don’t care how much you love me mum, next time spare me the goodnight poo kisses and just wave from the doorway.
Please don’t touch me.