Bleats

Pornhub Releases A New Bathing Suit That Would've Made Puberty A Lil' Bit Easier

Totally worth the Pornhub logo you'll have to walk around with.

Between ushering in sexy environmental activism and being there for people on Valentine’s Day, Pornhub are doing some amazing things these days.

And now they’re back with a product that will make the lives of boys going through puberty so much easier: the *checks notes* Bonerless bathing suit.

That’s right, the leading provider of internet pornography has released a limited edition male swimsuit that will conceal any unwanted trouser snake awakenings that may occur when you’re at the beach and/or pool.

To show that this isn’t a joke, Pornhub have released a totally serious video plugging these shorts that’s not funny or making fun itself. Not at all.

This isn’t some half-assed effort either as Pornhub has put some actual thought behind these swimming trucks.

While the outside layer looks like your regular shorts, there’s a special built-in inner layer that’s made from “100% lycra” that’s designed to “hold down” your dong without any discomfort or strangulation while maintaining sufficient breathing room.

Now if you’re interested in this bonerless technology then you’re going to have to pony up because these magical schlong masking shorts will set you back a hefty $USD69.69 (oh I see what they did there).

That’s about $100 which is pretty expensive but hey, that’s a price worth paying if it meant avoiding any unwanted appearances from your one-eyed monster.

Just a heads up though, these shorts come with a big Pornhub logo on them so you will have to put up with everyone judging you and your swimmers. But hey, people will probably be more focused on that than your boner so that’s a win-win.

Of course you could just wear a pair of compression shorts underneath a regular pair of swimming shorts but where’s the fun in that.

First-Person Porn Is Set To Explode Now Thanks To This Wearable Penis Camera

Another category on Pornhub to make everyone feel weird.

Some people like making home movies as a hobby. Others like wearing silicone penis rings during sex because it helps them maintain their erection.

Well folks, there is now a thing that allows you to do both at the same time: the unsubtly named “Cock Cam“.

Technology is fascinating and weird in equal measures, isn’t it? Everyone expected hoverboards and self-tying shoelaces in 21st century, not wearable penis cameras.

Still patiently waiting for these.

Developed by UK company Julz, the Cock Cam is touted as “the world’s first cock ring with a camera” and a “revolutionary sex toy” that allows its users to record “erotic moments at never-seen-before” angles.

Credit to the company for realising just how bonkers its product is because the advertising copy shamelessly admits “Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like!”

Additional points are awarded for the camera’s surprisingly decent specs. Priced at $160, the “stretchy yet tight” Cock Cam is capable of capturing up to 90 minutes of 1080p, H.264 video and also features night-vision, Wi-Fi, and a rechargeable lithium battery.

If the Cock Cam tickles your fancy, best be careful using it as filming for long periods of time makes the camera run warm and will cause the user to be “uncomfortable”. Now that’s an image I did not need in my head.

Bit of an understatement there.

The Cock Cam is clearly designed to be used in the bedroom, but there are apparently other uses for it outside of making sexy home videos.

Like basejumping.

Seeing as how ads featuring the Cock Cam being used in the bedroom will almost certainly break every censor imaginable, the marketing team have decided to think outside the box by getting a base jumper to wear a strap-on dildo with the Cock Cam attached over the top of his jumpsuit while he parachutes down a mountain.

The mountain views are amazing but the sight of a rubber dlido flopping around wildly in the foreground kind of ruins the whole experience.

The Cock Cam will undoubtedly bring up issues regarding privacy and consent, and Julz director and co-founder Charlie Hudson has stated to CNET it is “taking all necessary precautions to keep [the] product as safe and secure as possible.”

To that effect, videos recorded by the Cock Cam are not upload to the cloud at Julz HQ and are instead store locally on the user’s phone, meaning your flopping base jumping videos will be safe from hackers.

Hudson also added that Julz is currently working on a live-streaming feature for the camera, “with complete confidence that the user’s data and privacy is safe.”

I’m not completely sold on the idea to bring even more dick content to the internet but one thing’s for sure, this Cock Cam will bring a whole new perspective to the whole home movies thing.

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