Bleats

Excuse Me, Since When Was Dora The Explorer Here For Your Creepy Thirst?

Never thought we'd see "throbbing" and "hormonal" used to describe Dora the Explorer.

When you think of Dora the Explorer, the things that come to mind are usually in the ballpark of “cute”, “cartoony” or “why is she exploring and not in school?”

But for a certain film critic over at The Hollywood Reporter who reviewed the live-action film adaptation, Dora and the Lost City of Gold, it seems like they’ve either watched a completely different film or a porn parody because their review is both thirty and creepy as hell.

For the record, I’m a big fan of this reviewer’s work (who shall remain nameless in this article) and think their film reviews are the bee’s knees. But they’ve wandered into “creepy weirdo” territory with their Lost City of Gold review, which contains a number of ill-fitting references to the birds and the bees.

The review starts off relatively drama-free until we get to a certain bit about Dora, who is described as 16 years old and played by the “the earnestly conscientious, rather mature and nothing if not lively Isabela Moner,” who herself is described “18 and looks it despite preventative measures.”

Yeah, nothing creepy and cringy about that description since Isabela was only around 16-17 when she filmed the movie.

Things only get worse as the reviewer points out how all of the actors are undeniably older than their characters before going into gratuitous, borderline thirsty detail about it.

They describe the film’s tonal disconnect as something you can’t not notice “between the essentially innocent, borderline-pubescent nature of the leading characters and the film itself, and the more confident and mature vibes emanating from the leading actors,” and pointed out the director’s efforts in “trying to keep the hormones at bay” but failing since it seems like the actors are one googly eyes moment from everything going down the route of a porno.

And as a cherry on top of all this, the reviewer wraps everything up by declaring Lost City of Gold as “committed to projecting a pre-sexualized version of youth, while throbbing unacknowledged beneath the surface is something a bit more real, its presence rigorously ignored.

Good god, dude.

Never thought I would see the words “hormones” and “throbbing” in a Dora the Explorer review.

The only reaction.

For a film that’s clearly aimed at children, the reviewer definitely didn’t think of the children when they wrote this “review” and there’s no objective way I can possibly defend this monstrosity without getting locked up in jail.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a long, cold shower to wash away the unsavoury feeling that this Dora the Explorer “review” has left me with. If you really, really want to read the whole thing, you can do it here but I suggest you just avoid it unless you want to feel gross for the rest of the day.

Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill And Many Others Owe Their Fame To Judd Apatow's Revenge

Judd Apatow found Seth Rogen and his buddies but pettiness made them into who they are now.

Of the many TV shows that were cancelled too early, Freaks and Geeks is one that hurts the most. Created by Judd Apatow and Paul Feig for NBC, and starring fresh faced unknowns like Seth Rogen, Lina Cardellini, James Franco, and Jason Segel, it was agonisingly cut short after one season of brutally honest yet funny high school shenanigans.

Everyone on that show has since become huge stars in their own right and have been in some massive blockbusters, but the seeds of their eventual rise to fame were all planted early on by Judd.

Not because he likes them or anything (though that is one part of it) but because he was out for pure revenge on NBC.

You want your revenge served cold or freezing?

Speaking at the 2014 PaleyFest, Apatow admitted that everything he’s done in his career was “revenge for the people who canceled Freaks and Geeks.” While this may seem like a bit of a joke, there’s some merit to it.

Judd’s first big hit was 40 Year Old Virgin and he has since parlayed that success into making the careers of his Freaks and Geeks cast. His follow up film to Virgin was Knocked Up, which starred Seth alongside a heap of other Freaks and Geeks cast members and their buddies, and it was an even bigger hit than Virgin.

In fact, all of the films directed by Judd have had at least one Freaks and Geeks cast member in it in some capacity, which is definitely not a coincidence.

…Is it because I like Coldplay?

Beyond his own films, Judd also used his producing power to get films by his Freaks and Geeks cast made that would’ve otherwise been thrown in the trash by other studios.

There was Seth’s Superbad (which starred launched the career of his buddy Jonah Hill) and Pineapple Express (which revitalised James Franco’s career), Jason’s Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Paul’s Bridesmaids. One gets the feeling that Judd couldn’t care less if all these films flopped, just as long as the NBC suit who cancelled Freaks and Geeks was brought to tears.

Judd ultimately won (and is still winning) his super-petty rampage of revenge because not only did all those aforementioned movies become smash hits but nearly all of his Freaks and Geeks cast are huge stars because of it. Hell, Seth is in The Lion King, Linda is in Dead To Me, and Jonah has two frigging Oscar nominations. That’s some good revenging right there.

So next time you see watch a Seth Rogen or Jonah Hill film, just know that this was all possible because Judd Apatow just wanted to make the NBC executive who cancelled his TV show cry.

Taika Waititi Has Revived Your Favourite Retro Meme And Won The Internet

Pack it up folks, no one is topping Taika Waititi today.

Taika Waititi has pleasantly surprised us time and time again with his many skills and talents. He’s pretty good at the comedy thing, made vampires popular again with What We Do In The Shadows, revitalised the Thor series, and is probably the only person capable of making that long-gestating live-action Akira film adaptation.

And now he’s done it again by bringing back one of the all-time great memes in recent memory: the Downfall meme.

A timeless classic.

Taika has a film called Jojo Rabbit coming out soon and it tells the story of a lonely German boy whose only friend is an imaginary Adolf Hitler, who is played as a bumbling fool by Waititi.

So how exactly would Hitler react to the thought of a Polynesian Jew playing him in a darkly satirical film that basically takes the piss out of everything about him and what he stood for?

Short answer: Not too well.

For those who are unaware of this meme, it comes from the 2004 German film, Downfall, which recounts the last few days of Hitler’s life.

The critically acclaimed film was later enshrined into internet culture in 2006 when some genius uploaded a spoof version of the now-iconic scene of Hitler losing his marbles when being told Germany’s defeat is inevitable. Since then, all corners of the internet have used the meme to parody and/or provide commentary on topical events, entertainment and pop-culture.

Given how quickly meme culture moves these days, it’s actually impressive how long the Downfall meme has stuck around and seeing it being used to plug a satirical film about Hitler feels like it has come full circle.

Seeing how Taika has given the meme renewed spotlight, it makes me think that Jojo Rabbit could well contain a shot-for-shot remake of the meme because, well, why the hell not. We’ll find out soon enough when the film comes out on October 18.

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