Most Young Australians Will Now Live Past 70, So We'll Get To Watch Live As The World Goes Completely To Hell

Australians currently in their twenties have a 90% chance of making it past 69 (nice). But given the state of the world, is it worth being here for a long time but not a good time?

Are you in your twenties?

Well, I have some great news – kinda.

A recent Monash University study published in The Australian shows that Australians currently in their twenties have a 90% chance of living into their 70s.

Furthermore, when you become middle-aged weirdos and start tuning in to SmoothFM to get your Yeezy fix, you’re all be far less likely to die from cardiovascular diseases!

So, it all looks pretty rad for everyone, right?

Yeah? Kinda.

Sadly, those numbers don’t also include Indigenous populations, especially those in the Northern Territory.

Things are improving, with the life expectancy disparity between Indigenous and non-Indigenous improving 15% since 1998. So that’s something.

However, according to Monash University, this gap is closing so slowly that it will nearly take 500 years before we can brag about the life expectancy of all Australians.

On the bright side, programs like Balanu are looking to speed up the process of closing the gap in life expectancies. However, we won’t get any further data on this until the Australian Bureau of Statistics releases their findings later this year.

Fingers crossed.

For those of you who are looking forward to a longer life, I would advise investing more in your summer wardrobe, because it’s going to get warm – real warm. One report suggests that if gas emissions continue to rise until 2100, temperatures could rise by 4.8C.

It will be a blessing in winter, as you’ll save heaps on heating. Aussie summers, however, are about to get a little uncomfortable, with the rise in temp bringing those balmy summer nights up to and beyond a cosy 35 degrees.

Don’t worry though. It’s not like heatwaves are Australia’s deadliest natural hazard or anything… and the elderly cope well during heatwaves… so you’ll be fine.

It sure will be.

On the bright side, you won’t have to burn your feet on those long walks out to the edge of the water – or walk down all those steps to get the ferry!

Because sea levels are predicted to rise somewhere around half a metre by the time you’re 70.

That’s only so long as the ice sheets don’t start sliding as well as melting. In which case, I’d advise investing in more flood pants.

It’s coming up You!

While we’re on the topic, it’s probably a good idea to start putting down that smashed avo, and start putting away all of your money. Like, all of it.

You think things are expensive now? Well, that’s just the start of it!

Most real estate agent will tell you that houses double in value every 7-10 years. So, if your average home is around a million in Australia now, it’s only going to cost you a cheeky five mil in 2068!

So, yeah… I’d look at either getting in the property market before you turn 70, or start studying bush survival skills now.


It’s not all doom and gloom, however. As I predict that, by the time you’ve reached your 70s, the Australian Government will be nearing the completion of the NBN, and it’s very likely that The Big Bang Theory will still be on television.

What a time to be alive!

May I suggest a new plan?

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