Bleats

Old Spice Wrote Terry Crews A Letter About His Harassment Charge, Continues To Be The Terry Crews Of Men's Grooming Brands

Terry loves respect, and bodily autonomy, and supportive marketing teams.

Amidst the flood of horrible revelations about horrible people doing horrible things to women in Hollywood, a couple of men have also shared their own experiences of sexual harassment and assault.

One of those men – one of the first, in fact – was Terry Crews, who tweeted that he was groped at a party by an executive at William Morris.

As a former NFL linebacker, action star, and just an incredibly jacked human being, Crews doesn’t exactly fit the tired old stereotypes about people who get sexually harassed. He’s big enough to defend himself, certainly couldn’t be said to be hard up for cash (and thus after a big compensation payout), and wasn’t wearing a sequinned cocktail dress with “PLEASE GRAB MY CROTCH” appliquéd on it, like most so-called “victims” of “assault”.

If you’re not scared of Terry, maybe be scared of Diaz.

Crews took his allegation to the courts, but it turns out, in short, it can’t be a criminal case due to a number of legal technicalities – without skin contact it can’t be felony sexual assault, and the statute of limitations had run out on misdemeanour sexual assault by the time he reported it in November 2017. (The incident happened in February 2016. Which seems like a super short statute of limitations, right?)

He’s pursuing other legal avenues so that the man he’s accused, Adam Venit, could still face consequences for his actions.

In the meantime, the regular Old Spice spokesman today tweeted an incredibly sweet letter of support from the brand’s team at Procter & Gamble.

Here’s what it says:

To our longtime friend Terry,

We at Old Spice and P&G are on your side and offer our support in any way we can as you continue to fight against sexual misconduct. In so many instances it is women who are seen as the only victims of these types of assaults as few men come forward to tell their story too. We hope that men take your lead and stand up to expose those who are taking advantage of their position to cause harm to others. We also believe that men need to take a step back and put an end to the culture that allows sexual assault to continue to be such a pervasive problem. At its core, sexual conduct is a lack of respect for another human being. We have nothing but respect for you, Terry, and we hope more people are empowered to come forward because of your courage.

Also, sexual assault should just stop. I mean, come on. Enough.

Do you know how many people will come for you if you make this man cry?

Old Spice is just a brand owned by one of the most powerful corporations on earth, but it’s also one that’s tied itself to a certain kind of semi-ironic super-masculinity, in part by hiring guys who look like Crews to be the face of the brand.

Every little bit of support helps when you’ve put yourself out there like he has. Old Spice is just a brand, but now it’s the brand your brand could act like.

Ripped, British, and a great listener: meet Henry, a sex doll for (straight) women

There’s never been a better time to give up on human men forever.

It’s hard to know just how to feel about sex dolls. On the one hand, any man who would genuinely prefer to bone down with a lifeless “partner” with no agency of their own rather than a real human woman is probably doing real human women a favour by not having sex with any of them. But everyone deserves a little companionship, right? Even if that “companion” is basically a very expensive Fleshlight with a face and boobs.

And currently, men make up 95% of the existing market for sex dolls and robots – but to manufacturers, that just means they haven’t made a product women want yet.

So Realbotix – who also make “Harmony”, a more advanced and highly customisable lady doll-bot – has done just that, introducing “Henry”, the first sex robot marketed to women. (If lesbians are buying “female” sex dolls in significant numbers, there’s no publicly available evidence we can find, and they’re certainly not the target market.)

THE ABS HAVE ABS.

Technically speaking, Henry is a “robotic sex doll” rather than a full-on sex robot – and Realbotix are referring to him as a “companion”. His head and face are robotic and can interact with the user (via iPad), welcome them home, tell jokes and recite your favourite songs or poetry; he’s six feet tall, weighs about 40 kilos, and has a British accent as well as the abs of a man who lives on poached chicken and protein shakes.

A quick poll of the GOAT office revealed that Henry looks like someone different to everybody – responses included Mario Lopez, Robert Pattinson, John Stamos, and “the guy from CHiPS”.

He’s such a well-designed blank slate of handsomeness he could play the rich, kind, dull fiance who gets ditched at the end of the romcom for the emotionally manipulative manchild with perfect stubble.

Was it called CHiPS because 70s Erik Estrada is a snack?

But while Henry’s penis can be customised to be a particular shape and size, there’s no robotic movement in the body – so the user would still have to do all the work when it comes to sex. At least one expert has suggested that “menbots” who can offer women (well, anyone who’s into dudes) real companionship, decent sex and help around the house might well give the real thing a run for their money, but we’re not there yet.

Because let’s be real here: no matter how ripped he is, this is a dude who won’t help with the housework or contribute to the rent, needs constant instruction as to what you actually like, and won’t go down on you, ever.

In other words, the exact kind of unreconstructed deadshit that makes being single forever incredibly appealing. As basically any straight women will tell you, you don’t need to spend nearly $20,000 to get yourself one of those.

One weird trick to get more women on festival lineups

You'll never guess what it is!

Are you ready? Here it is: JUST PUT MORE WOMEN ON YOUR LINEUPS.

New Aussie hip hop festival Jumanji is under fire for having no women among the 13 acts on their lineup, and a British-based organisation is copping it for setting a well-meaning but extremely weaksauce goal of gender-balanced lineups by 2022  – instead of, you know, next year.

There is nothing wrong with musicians who are men. Many of them are actually quite good! But there are many, many women who make good music and put on good shows. There is absolutely no good reason not to book some of them. An all-dude lineup means organisers either booked only men accidentally, without even thinking about it, by default – which is bad – or did it deliberately because they don’t think of women as good enough.

The organisers of Jumanji, Noque Touring, claim they did consider some women as headliners, saying in a statement to MusicFeeds:

“Several high profile international female artists were approached and were either unavailable or not within our budget. We opted to secure the best possible artists irrespective of gender that appeal to the Australian hip hop audience and we are committed to delivering an amazing experience for our patrons.”

OK, so you can’t afford Missy Elliott – especially when you’re shelling out for Lil Wayne, DJ Mustard and, uh, Walé. But when they look at some of the Australian women in hip hop – like Brisbane rapper Miss Blanks, who called out Jumanji over the lineup, or Sydney-based emcee Sampa The Great, who destroyed at Laneway last year and handed out hundreds of capes which obviously rules – do they think “Nah, our audience won’t like that”? Was a half-forgotten international like Walé really better value than a couple of killer local women? (Name a Walé track right now. I’ll wait.)

Even Aussie rapper Midas.Gold, who’s on the lineup too, said he was disappointed to be part of a lineup that wasn’t inclusive. “This festival is monumental for the culture here in Australia,” he told MusicFeeds. “However I would love them to recognise and work towards a more inclusive and representative event.”

There is no excuse for an all-dude lineup. How does a festival programming team spend weeks and months putting together an event and then before announcing the final lineup think, “Yes, this group of only men is fine”?

So why is it so hard?

It’s actually not hard. At all. Just book some women. There’s someone fantastic you haven’t thought of. Think harder. Make room.

If you cannot find one woman to play your festival – today – you are bad at your job. Your view is too narrow, your contacts too limited, your taste too basic.

If you are picturing Dazza and Shitstain chucking wheelie bins at the security guards from the pit because they are so confused by the fact that a woman is rapping, you can either think to yourself “well, f*** those idiots”,  or let your entire programming agenda be dictated by the biggest pricks in the crowd. If those pricks ARE your crowd – well, are you OK with that?

If your audience don’t want to see women play, your audience sucks and you should get a new one – or just book women anyway, and show them what they’ve been missing out on.

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