Poop. It’s something we all do but never talk about.
How regularly do you go?
Do you use the half flush or full flush?
Can you poop on demand?
These are all questions we will probably never know about each other. For the most part, I’m okay with that. Your ability to poop when you want and the shape of your poop doesn’t change what I think of you as a person (are you uncomfortable yet?).
But there is one poop-related thing that will change how I see you: how you wipe your butt.
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that there are two types of butt-wipers in the world: scrunchers and folders.
There have been whole TV commercials dedicated to the topic, that’s how seriously we Aussies take it.
Still…we don’t talk about it. I wouldn’t know if you’re a folder anymore than I would know when you last went to the toilet.
But we need to talk about it, friends. Because the simple truth is that scrunching is the only way to do things. I refuse to be told otherwise, I refuse to be shamed.
I’ve done my research- I’ve had countless conversations with my family, friends, partner, and even colleagues about how they wipe their butts. 90 per cent of them fold their toilet paper.
One friend, a German, didn’t even know scrunching was a thing, bless him.
No matter how many times I get screamed at and look at with horrified eyes, I refuse to back down on this. Scrunching is the way of the world.
Does it use more toilet paper? Probably. It isn’t resource efficient and definitely won’t save you money but it is time efficient, and when you’re in that situation you want to get in and get out as fast as possible.
I don’t have the time or patience to sit their folding my toilet paper into even squares. A grab, roll, scrunch, and go serves me just fine.
Also, toilet paper quality matters. The higher the quality the less you need to use to get yourself clean, no matter if you scrunch or fold. It’s not about the technique- it’s about the tools you’re using.
For anyone who’s thinking “But you’ll get it all over yourself!” you’re wrong. Scrunching isn’t any less risky than folding- the only people who get crap all over themselves are infants. We’re all adults, we should be able to wipe ourselves without collateral damage.
How you use your toilet paper also says a lot about you as a person. There’s no legitimate research to back this up, but I’m convinced.
Scrunchers are more easy going- your go with the flow but still get things done, type of people. Folders are the people who are very particular, have structured lives and don’t know what a flow is to go with it.
You folders might be sitting there on your shiny white porcelain toilets judging me, but it doesn’t change a thing. I’ll be a folder ‘till the day I die.