Bleats

There's Only One Way To Wipe Your Butt And It's Not By Folding

Sh*ts about to get real.

Poop. It’s something we all do but never talk about.

How regularly do you go? 

Do you use the half flush or full flush? 

Can you poop on demand? 

These are all questions we will probably never know about each other. For the most part, I’m okay with that. Your ability to poop when you want and the shape of your poop doesn’t change what I think of you as a person (are you uncomfortable yet?). 

But there is one poop-related thing that will change how I see you: how you wipe your butt. 

Oops. Source: Giphy

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that there are two types of butt-wipers in the world: scrunchers and folders. 

There have been whole TV commercials dedicated to the topic, that’s how seriously we Aussies take it. 

Still…we don’t talk about it. I wouldn’t know if you’re a folder anymore than I would know when you last went to the toilet. 

But we need to talk about it, friends. Because the simple truth is that scrunching is the only way to do things. I refuse to be told otherwise, I refuse to be shamed. 

I’ve done my research- I’ve had countless conversations with my family, friends, partner, and even colleagues about how they wipe their butts. 90 per cent of them fold their toilet paper. 

One friend, a German, didn’t even know scrunching was a thing, bless him. 

No matter how many times I get screamed at and look at with horrified eyes, I refuse to back down on this. Scrunching is the way of the world. 

Does it use more toilet paper? Probably. It isn’t resource efficient and definitely won’t save you money but it is time efficient, and when you’re in that situation you want to get in and get out as fast as possible. 

I don’t have the time or patience to sit their folding my toilet paper into even squares. A grab, roll, scrunch, and go serves me just fine. 

Also, toilet paper quality matters. The higher the quality the less you need to use to get yourself clean, no matter if you scrunch or fold. It’s not about the technique- it’s about the tools you’re using. 

For anyone who’s thinking “But you’ll get it all over yourself!” you’re wrong. Scrunching isn’t any less risky than folding- the only people who get crap all over themselves are infants. We’re all adults, we should be able to wipe ourselves without collateral damage. 

I resent this result.

How you use your toilet paper also says a lot about you as a person. There’s no legitimate research to back this up, but I’m convinced. 

Scrunchers are more easy going- your go with the flow but still get things done, type of people. Folders are the people who are very particular, have structured lives and don’t know what a flow is to go with it. 

You folders might be sitting there on your shiny white porcelain toilets judging me, but it doesn’t change a thing. I’ll be a folder ‘till the day I die.

I said what I said. Source: Giphy

Adults Who Say “Ta”? Put ’Em Back In The Oven, They Ain’t Done Yet

Yeah, nah.

I wouldn’t consider myself a difficult person. Or a judgmental one, for that matter. I’m pretty easy going, “each to their own” and so on. 

But there’s one thing that really gets me riled up and I’ve kept it to myself until now: when people use the word “ta”.

I’m not talking about mums who use it when talking to their children. That is the exception to the rule. Saying “taaaa” to try and get your toddler to hand over your lipstick before she smudges it across the walls is understandable. 

Saying a flippant “ta” when a fully grown adult holds a door open for you or helps you out in some way is not so understandable. 

Pretty much. Source: Giphy

Any time someone says it to me I physically feel my insides recoil and have to fight the urge to yell back “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU THANK SOMEONE.”

I used to work in retail, so maybe that’s where my issue with the word “ta” comes from. I would spend long shifts giving people styling advice and re-hanging the clothes they had dumped on fitting room floors to only receive a passing “ta” at the end of it all. 

It’s not the sort of response that makes me feel genuinely valued or appreciated. It’s dismissive- it makes me feel like that person barely cares enough to thank me in a genuine way. 

I know “ta” isn’t necessarily used with that intention- sorry to my boss and mother who both use this word frequently- but that doesn’t change how it makes me feel. 

Saying “thank you” might be an extra syllable and take an extra half second, but it conveys a lot more meaning that “ta” ever will. 

It also means I’m more likely to keep holding doors open for you. Just something to think about. 

These People Are Proof Technology Is Simultaneously Rotting Our Brains And Changing Our Lives

Technology giveth and technology taketh away.

There’s no question about it, technology has changed the world. Imagining my day-to-day without a mobile phone is enough to give me the nervous sweats, so thinking of life without transport, electricity and the ability to stalk my ex on social media sends me into meltdown mode.

But just as technology giveth, technology taketh away.

Mainly, it takes away our brain cells.  Point in case, this dude:

Forget about the fact that he’s wearing the earphones UPSIDE DOWN (???), there is no way that any normal functioning human being would get frosted tips in 2019 and wear sunglasses on the back of their head in public like it’s no big deal.

Unless the dude’s a complete douche, but I don’t like judging people’s personality when I don’t know them (unless you’re the new girlfriend of the ex i’m stalking on social media). So I’m running with my ’Apple AirPods rot our brains’ theory.

If one guy isnt’ enough to convince you that technology is both helping and ruining us, then maybe these people will change your mind.

This chick who put her trust in her navigator and was BETRAYED:

And this person who loved their car so much they decided to give it a makeover:

…why?

Gotta love cacti in your face when the airbag deploys.

Kristen Stewart, where you at?

Google auto-complete utilises some of the most revolutionary technology. Like…it knows what you’re thinking. But even the best of the best technology out there can be infiltrated by stupidity.

Ask that again but slower.

No part of Google is safe.

What kind of parks are you going to?

So yeah, technology is great and all but it’s definitely making us stupider.

At least we have Netflix. Netflix makes everything okay.

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