Bleats

Everything About Forky, The New “Toy” In Toy Story 4, Is So Terribly Wrong

The teaser trailer for the next Toy Story film is actually nightmarish if you think about it too much. Which I did.

The teaser for Toy Story 4 dropped last night, and all your faves are back. Woody! Buzz! Jessie! The Potato Heads! And… a plastic spork with mismatched googly eyes and pipe cleaners for arms. His name is apparently Forky, and he is not OK.

“I don’t belong here!” he shrieks with the sudden panic of someone who just can’t hold it in any longer, interrupting a dreamy slow-mo sequence set to Judy Collins’ cover of ‘Both Sides Now’ and backed by that iconic cloud wallpaper.

“I’m not a toy!”

At first, you could interpret Forky’s cry of despair as a simple case of impostor syndrome – an intensely #relatable story about feeling like you’re a big fake and everyone can tell.

After all, the generation that grew up on the original Toy Story are now terrified adults, making presentations or training 19-year-old new starters or handling fairly large amounts of other people’s money, standing next to people they see as Actual Grownups and feeling – well, a plastic spork with googly eyes and pipe cleaner arms stuck on with blu tac is a fairly decent visual representation.

And there’s also the whole thing about how he’s a spork, not a fork, and yet his name is Forky, and not Sporky.

But actually, it’s worse than that. According to director Josh Cooley, the plot of TS4 is driven at least in part by Forky’s existential crisis.

The world of Toy Story is built upon the idea that everything in the world has a purpose. A toy’s purpose is to be there for its child. But what about toys that are made out of other objects? Forky is a toy that Bonnie made out of a disposable spork, so he’s facing a crisis. He wants to fulfill his purpose as a spork, but now has a new toy purpose thrust upon him.

So the film will actively delve into the metaphysical and ontological implications of the Toy Story mythos. Which are f**king horrifying.

Specifically: what is a toy? If it’s as simple as gluing googly eyes to an inanimate object, bestowing it with not only sentience but the self-awareness to know itself as toy or, indeed, not-toy, then is everything you’ve ever glued googly eyes to now a toy, going through the exact same freakout as Forky? Does the stapler up the back of your desk think it’s a toy and you just don’t like playing with it?

We’ve been wondering this, on some level, since we encountered Sid’s Frankenstein-like toy creations in the first film.

*screaming externally*

Was the head of the silent Meccano doll-spider part of a sentient being before the pre-teen sociopath popped it off to bolt it to the skittering leg structure? What about the Barbie legs with the fishing rod torso – it has no head, no eyes, but apparently free will and the altruistic impulse to help Buzz and Woody escape?

So yes, this is all pretty intense stuff for a one-minute teaser. But the good news is that the Toy Story franchise has gone mega-bleak before – hello, incinerator scene – and it worked. It broke us, but it was perfect.

So perhaps next year’s new installment will actually find a way to solve the perpetual existential crisis that is millennial life – through Forky’s inevitable journey from philosophical panic to self-acceptance, and also, presumably, through a devastatingly beautiful and kind monologue delivered by a toy cowboy in Tom Hanks’ voice.

Robert Pattinson Says He Smells Like A Crayon And I Need To Know Which Colour

Another wild yarn from R-Patz.

Robert Pattinson has gained quite a reputation for spinning wild yarns during interviews, but his most recent comments on his body odour have me truly shaken.

In a recent interview with Allure the star of the upcoming The Batman film said, “Lots of people tell me I smell like a crayon.”

The interviewer – understandably bewildered by this statement – then asked, “Like you’re made of wax?”

To which R-Patz responded, “Yes! Like I’m embalmed.”

I have so many questions. What colour crayon does Pattinson smell like? What brand? Is he using lots of crayons? And most importantly, who are these multiple people who are telling him he smells like crayon!? Is that an insult, or a compliment?

It’s not the first time Robert Pattinson’s scent has come up in conversation. Back in 2009, E! News reported that an unidentified source who worked “very closely” with the actor on New Moon said “he stinks.”

“I mean, it’s awful,” the source said. “He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy.”

“He completely reeks,” an unidentified crew member added. Yikes.

It’s been over a decade since then, so we can only hope Robert Pattinson has swapped his lack of showering for an obsession with crayons. 

Speaking of celebrity scents, celebrity tattoo artist Lauren Winzer dishes on what Post Malone smells like on It’s Been A Big Day For…below:

During his interview with Allure, Pattinson was also asked about being recently named the “most handsome man” in the world according to science.

“It’s weird,” he said. “I never was really up for the good-looking-guy roles, because I’ve always been quite awkward when meeting people.”

“My Harry Potter role was a good-looking guy, and it was a shock that it was quite easy to get. And then in Twilight, [Edward is] beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. When I turned up for the auditions, I had done a job where I’d dyed my hair black, because I had an inch and a half of roots, and I had waxed my body. And then I had a few months where I’d been drinking beer all day, so I had this hairless, chubby body. I looked like a baby with a wig on.”

Hairless, chubby, waxed or smelling like a crayon – we’ll take Robert Pattinson any which way.

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