Bleats

This Pub Will Pay For Your Headstone If You Die From Their Meals Which Is The Opposite Of A Selling Point

Is the idea that you're killing your customers considered awesome marketing?

Historically if a pub thought its menu would kill you they would not advertise the fact, but the George Pub and Grill in County Durham, UK, has decided to embrace the fact. More specifically, they’re offering to pay for your headstone if they kill you with their meal.

It’s the selling point of their Big Ben Number 10, a ten-patty burger that clocks in at 12,000 calories. For comparison, that is too many calories and no, just no.

Publican Craig Harker told the Daily Mirror that “With over 12,000 calories, the meal comes with a warning to eat at your own risk, but there’s some compensation – if it kills you, we’ll pay up to £500 for your headstone.”

It’s a competitive eating challenge and seemingly has only been successfully attempted by competitive eaters. To be clear: when we say “successfully attempted” we mean in the sense of the meal being completed, not that only competitive eaters survived the experience. Although we can’t be certain.

The Big Ben Number 10 burger also costs £28.95, which is over $50 in Australian money. A headstone, meanwhile, starts at around $2k so you could probably make a decent dent in the cost by not eating $50 burgers on the regular.

Also, £500 isn’t going to be nearly enough if indeed one does cark it, so stop squibbing out on the headstone, Harker. How likely are you going to be called on it it anyway?

After all, one judge reckons cutting down on steaks will get you a house, so maybe the real problem here is meat?

Their head of marketing.

The pub has only recently reopened after nearly burning down, although there’s no suggestion that the fire was vengeance for putting people at culinary risk.

In any case, we advise that if a pub offers you a meal with a side order of headstone then rethink your dinner plans.

Mondays Are Bad But At Least You’re Not Being Sprayed With Poop Like These Poor Souls In Spain

Crap start to the week.

No-one enjoys schlepping into work at the beginning of another stressful week, but there are some things which make that journey easier – like, for example, not being sprayed with poop.

That’s what folks in the Costa Blanca region of Spain got to enjoy when a sewerage pipe burst and started vomiting up an estimated 56,000 litres of human waste onto a busy thoroughfare, right next to the major Zenia Boulevard shopping precinct and beach resort.

Bet that did wonders for their walk-up traffic.

Do you smell what the Rock is… um, never mind.

The environmental s***show involved semi-treated sewerage destined for fertilising crops bubbling over several lanes of traffic.

And thus did cars hurtle through the several-inch-deep flood, helping distribute tidal waves of excrement – a poonami, if you will – upon hapless pedestrians, many of whom were holidaymakers whose Yelp reviews were about to get a lot less glowing.

The slurry also made its leisurely way through the hastily-build sand bag barriers to the Cala Bosque beach, which wasn’t ideal for the peak of the tourist season.

Reportedly sunbathers were “fleeing” the semi-treated sewerage, although more because of the smell than because it was gushing over them. Which seems very fair.

So, as you sit on your stationary bus on the way home in motionless traffic tonight – or walking along dodging road-water as cars roar past – comfort yourself with the thought that it could be worse.

Like, sprayed with poop worse.

Anxiety Hacks To Add To Your Repertoire The Next Time The World Feels Like Too Much

Anxiety hacks to max your relax!

Anxiety is the human condition writ large and knowing how to smash it away is a basic life skill we all need. And hence we all need a collection of anxiety hacks for our own mental health – but what works?

And in a completely unscientific process – aka a call out on Facebook – we’ve established that a) there are some excellent anxiety breakers around and b) goddamn, there are a lot of anxious people out there.

Fortunately, they have some great ideas on managing it. Like…

Comfort TV!

The Office, Friends, Doctor Who, Queer Eye, Seinfeld, Buffy, Golden Girls: it’s fair to say that there’s a bit of a trend there.

Video Games!

Things that are relatively simple – as in, challenging but not open ended – seemed to be the go to, whether that was Super Mario, Donkey Kong, Civilization, SimCity or mobile games.

And then there was the video game we call life: specifically,

Get out into nature!

Walking outside was a big hit with a lot of people, especially in places where there are trees aplenty. And connected with that was…

Exercise!

Swimming and running had strong, passionate adherents – and many specifically suggested getting out into nature in the process, echoing the above suggestion.

Yoga and pilates were also big favourites, as was…

Meditation!

Relaxation techniques were recommended left and right, from apps to classes to just sitting in the sun and not thinking for a bit to practiced mindfulness. And then there was the most mindful practice of all…

Orgasms!

Either solo or not, your call. They’re all good. As is…

Getting off social media!

Which was ironic, since it was a question asked on Facebook – but my word, what a lot of people agreed. So maybe take a break if you can.

Those were the most popular suggestions, but there were also…

Other things!

Browsing op shops
Knitting
Baking
Pottery
Cuddling a dog
Weighted blankets
Practice an instrument

And, um…

Pimple popping videos!

Look, we’re not going to judge. Whatever gets you from one end of the day to the other is fine.

If you need to talk to someone, you can call Lifeline on 131114.

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