Bleats

The Many Conspiracy Theories Inspired By The Now-Famous Fiji Water Girl Of The Golden Globes

There's something here I swear.

This week the Golden Globes brought us a red carpet full of dresses that looked impossible to pee in, Emma Stone’s cringe-worthy “Sorry!” in response to Sandra Oh’s epic burn, and above all, it brought us Fiji Water Girl.

Fiji Water Girl was crowned the real hero of the awards ceremony for her A+ photobombing of countless celebrity red carpet pictures while handing out bottles of Fiji Water.

In short, Fiji Water Girl has become an internet sensation, and the whole thing is very suspicious.

On surface level it looks like a successfully invasive marketing campaign by Fiji Water. Fiji Water getting in shots with A-lister celebs to align their product with luxury lifestyle? Check. The girl serving the water simultaneously serving viral-worthy looks? A lucky bonus…?

Or maybe that’s what they want us to think. Let’s dig a little deeper.

#1. Kelleth Cuthbert and her 15 minutes of fame.

Since the world fell for the Fiji Water Girl’s smouldering background shots, Kelleth Cuthbert has been enjoying her 15 minutes of fame. Except in this day and age, 15 minutes of fame can launch a whole influencer career.

Kelleth was a small-time model, influencer, and aspiring actor with just over 50k followers, and now she’s appeared on the Late Late Show With James Corden, recorded with E! News and Glamour, gotten the official meme treatment and has nearly 220k followers on Instagram.

FWG has this whole oops-I-accidentally-stumbled-into-the-spotlight act down pat, crediting the event coordinators putting her in a “high-traffic” red carpet area and her years of modelling for her tendency to “give a face” when a camera clicks. She’s all starry eyed and just super surprised at the accidental viral fame.

But we’re not buying it. This girl knows exactly what she’s doing, and she’d doing a damn good job.

Fiji Water thought they were using Kelleth Cuthbert, but Kelleth Cuthbert was using them right back. She saw her moment and she pounced. Nicely played Kelleth.

#2. Kris Jenner is involved.

Kris Jenner is the queen of making someone famous for nothing, and the Fiji Water Girl sensation has her fingerprints all over it.

Plus look at those cheekbones. And Kelleth does start with a K. Is she a Kardashian???

Not impossible.

#3. She’s a social experiment.

Take one random tall skinny white girl with no known talent and see if she can upstage actual celebrities including people who have worked their whole lives to get onto this red carpet.

Results: celebrity is a concept almost as fickle as our attention span.

#4. She’s trying to tell us something.

OK, who is coming to the Golden Globes to get this hydrated? There are Fiji Water bottles everywhere both on the red carpet and inside the venue, and people are looking all too stoked about drinking it.

What’s really in that Fiji water? Eh? What is she trying to tell us?

#5. The moon landing was fake.

Fiji Water Girl was definitely involved.

#6. She’s a plant in a ploy against Jamie Lee Curtis.

Jamie Lee Curtis basically dragged the Fiji Water photobombing strategy, asserting that “The sponsors of events need to get permission from people before they try 2 take their picture with them.”

She makes a very good point.

But if you refuse to pose with Fiji Water, they send in Fiji Water Girl. And Fiji Water Girl works twice as hard.

#7. The pretty girl is just a distraction.

This is a carefully planned plot to keep Fiji Water associated with fun and glamour, and keep our minds off the damage of plastic water bottle pollution that companies like Fiji Water contribute to.

We’re celebrating the copious Fiji Water plastic bottles instead of lamenting them. We’ve been played.

Emma Stone Shouting An Apology At The Golden Globes For Taking A Whitewashed Part In The Movie Aloha Is Extremely Cringe

Let embarrassed apologies be the sweet sound of 2019.

Sandra Oh took aim at Hollywood’s whitewashing problem while hosting the Golden Globes with a very sick burn.

“Crazy Rich Asians is the first film with an Asian-American lead since Ghost in the Shell and Aloha.”

The joke is of course, that those Asian lead characters were inevitably played by white actors, as is the habit of Hollywood. The culprits taking on those roles Sandra Oh referenced were Scarlett Johansson starring in the live-action version of the iconic Japanese movie, Ghost in the Shell, and Emma Stone playing a character intended to be of Hawaiian and Chinese heritage in Aloha. 

So at the tail-end of the applause for Sandra’s joke, Emma Stone shouted an apology from the crowd.

“I’m sorry!” you can hear her shout over the cheering.

It’s a shame that we didn’t get to actually see Emma Stone’s reaction to the burn, but the audio of the apology is cringe enough to suffice. Besides, I imagine that the looks on the faces of the people around her might have killed us all from second-second-hand embarrassment.

Back in 2015 when Aloha came out (and flopped), Stone received a lot of backlash for taking the role. She admitted that the whole thing was a mistake and a learning experience for her about Hollywood’s problem with whitewashing.

“I’ve learned on a macro level about the insane history of whitewashing in Hollywood and how prevalent the problem truly is. It’s ignited a conversation that’s very important,” She said in 2015.

While the shouted apology is almost as cringe as the scripted comedy of the Golden Globes, it does at least represent a situation where someone has successfully been criticised without being condemned or ‘cancelled’. Call out culture tends to leave no space for people to make mistakes and learn, which can be important if the mistakes are salvageable enough.

So here’s to a year of more cringe-worthy “I’m sorry’s”, because 2019 is the year to have your tail between your legs and own your sh*t.

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