CONTENT WARNING: The following article contains more creative euphemisms for genitalia than some people might find comfortable.
It’s that beautiful time of the year, the immediate aftermath of E3, where game developers have shown us the fruits of their labour and now we all complain about how their products of love, sweat and tears don’t fit exactly what we want (unless it’s Last of Us 2 because obviously).
Game-making giant Bethesda’s announcement of Fallout 76 was a much celebrated announcement.
The Fallout franchise, based in a post-apocalyptic world ravaged by the effects of nuclear war, is fun because we get to pretend it’s escapism and not preparation.
And it’s about to get MORE fun because Fallout 76 is going to be ONLINE, where you can play with other people.
So much fun the wait until its November 14 release seems near impossible, right?!
Well, now I have to spoil that fun. For I am an ancient beast of misery, that feeds upon the sorrow of others.
There are a number of arguments for why this idea is not good. But my money is on the moneyshot buildings.
“Moneyshot buildings?” I hear you ask innocently down the back there?
Simply this: If they give us, the users, the ability to build settlements, then quicker than you can say “Freudian castration complex” Fallout 76 will become an R-Rated Minecraft, populated by many, many buildings in the shape of genitalia.
Wait, you don’t think people will build structures to celebrate their underwear ecosystem! Oh my sweet summer child which vault have you been living in?
Give people the resources to build and they will create magnificent pixel-poker structures.
Give people zero materials and they’ll still find a way to draw gargantuan genitalia. Specifically….the Fallout community will find a way.
All that time in the Badlands has made them resourceful, as this handy but certainly NSFW video demonstrates:
Am I impressed with the time, effort and thought gone into this? Yes.
Do I want to be running through the glowing countryside, adrenalin pumping from a Radroach encounter, ‘Fortunate Son’ blaring in my ears (I assume, from the John Denver nod in the trailer that we’re going to be getting some top ’60s and ’70s tunes)… only to turn the corner and witness an in-game ode to someone’s fleshy flower garden?
Unless it’s a DLC called Fallout: Genitals Edition and comes with a radio station dedicated to Janelle Monae, then you can very safely assume I didn’t sign up for that (Bethesda, I would low-key sign up for that, just for the Monae music option).
Genital buildings won’t even be the most offensive thing people will build.
It’s just the funniest offensive thing they will build.
Online monuments to crotch beasts aside, there are other problems with “opening up the world”.
The ability to launch nuclear missiles at other people’s bases in a survival-themed game seems like it will make it less than fun for filthy casuals (like me) to play.
But more importantly, it means you have to interact with….people. Real ones.
Bethesda says you can solo, but c’mon now… Solo-ing online games is like using public toilets. It works in theory, but other people ruin it.
There’s queues, maintenance issues at the worst times and that’s before we get to the gatekeepers who think they get to decide who goes there.
While you might not be IN a group, you’re still going to be subjected to their *shudder* chatter.
Every visit will turn into a rush to get in, get out and never speak of this again.
Sometimes you’ll meet someone who becomes a friend for a few minutes to help you out in a bind, or even a friend for life. There will be kind moments of camaraderie. But most of it will be spent avoiding eye contact and trying to pretend no one else exists.
To be fair, there are some top notch Fallout fans out there and the gaming community in general is very clever.
If there’s building to be done, they’ll create a vibrant community as well as mind bending structures. On top of that, if there’s going to be an online survival game that works, Bethesda are the ones to do it.
If all we get from Fallout 76 is beautifully rendered buildings in the shape of passion utensils, it will, at least, be an inventive way of being shown a dick pic on the Internet.
But still, no thank you.