Bleats

Fallout 76 Is A Great Idea Destined To Be Ruined By All The Giant Genitalia ... Because People Are The Worst

By taking it online, Bethesda are condemning Fallout 76 to a world of raging buildings of Lovecraftian horror.

CONTENT WARNING: The following article contains more creative euphemisms for genitalia than some people might find comfortable.

It’s that beautiful time of the year, the immediate aftermath of E3, where game developers have shown us the fruits of their labour and now we all complain about how their products of love, sweat and tears don’t fit exactly what we want (unless it’s Last of Us 2 because obviously).

Game-making giant Bethesda’s announcement of Fallout 76 was a much celebrated announcement.

Fallout 76: Rise Of The Phallus?

The Fallout franchise, based in a post-apocalyptic world ravaged by the effects of nuclear war, is fun because we get to pretend it’s escapism and not preparation.

And it’s about to get MORE fun because Fallout 76 is going to be ONLINE, where you can play with other people.

So much fun the wait until its November 14 release seems near impossible, right?!

Well, now I have to spoil that fun. For I am an ancient beast of misery, that feeds upon the sorrow of others.

There are a number of arguments for why this idea is not good. But my money is on the moneyshot buildings.

“Moneyshot buildings?” I hear you ask innocently down the back there?

Simply this: If they give us, the users, the ability to build settlements, then quicker than you can say “Freudian castration complex” Fallout 76 will become an R-Rated Minecraft, populated by many, many buildings in the shape of genitalia.

Wait, you don’t think people will build structures to celebrate their underwear ecosystem! Oh my sweet summer child which vault have you been living in?

Give people the resources to build and they will create magnificent pixel-poker structures.

Give people zero materials and they’ll still find a way to draw gargantuan genitalia. Specifically….the Fallout community will find a way.

All that time in the Badlands has made them resourceful, as this handy but certainly NSFW video demonstrates:

Am I impressed with the time, effort and thought gone into this? Yes.

Do I want to be running through the glowing countryside, adrenalin pumping from a Radroach encounter, ‘Fortunate Son’ blaring in my ears (I assume, from the John Denver nod in the trailer that we’re going to be getting some top ’60s and ’70s tunes)… only to turn the corner and witness an in-game ode to someone’s fleshy flower garden?

No.

Unless it’s a DLC called Fallout: Genitals Edition and comes with a radio station dedicated to Janelle Monae, then you can very safely assume I didn’t sign up for that (Bethesda, I would low-key sign up for that, just for the Monae music option).

Genital buildings won’t even be the most offensive thing people will build.

It’s just the funniest offensive thing they will build.

Online monuments to crotch beasts aside, there are other problems with “opening up the world”.

The ability to launch nuclear missiles at other people’s bases in a survival-themed game seems like it will make it less than fun for filthy casuals (like me) to play.

But more importantly, it means you have to interact with….people. Real ones.

Bethesda says you can solo, but c’mon now… Solo-ing online games is like using public toilets. It works in theory, but other people ruin it.

There’s queues, maintenance issues at the worst times and that’s before we get to the gatekeepers who think they get to decide who goes there.

While you might not be IN a group, you’re still going to be subjected to their *shudder* chatter.

Every visit will turn into a rush to get in, get out and never speak of this again.

Sometimes you’ll meet someone who becomes a friend for a few minutes to help you out in a bind, or even a friend for life. There will be kind moments of camaraderie. But most of it will be spent avoiding eye contact and trying to pretend no one else exists.

To be fair, there are some top notch Fallout fans out there and the gaming community in general is very clever.

If there’s building to be done, they’ll create a vibrant community as well as mind bending structures. On top of that, if there’s going to be an online survival game that works, Bethesda are the ones to do it.

If all we get from Fallout 76 is beautifully rendered buildings in the shape of passion utensils, it will, at least, be an inventive way of being shown a dick pic on the Internet.

But still, no thank you.

Married At First Sight Shows There’s More To Learn About Consent

"Take your bra off! Let it hang!"

Amanda and Tash have had a really hard time connecting with each other. We could’ve put it down to Amanda’s fiery personality or Tash’s dating history, but the first commitment ceremony was full of red flags.

If you’re a big fan of Married At First Sight, check out this episode of It’s Been A Big Day For…

In the commitment ceremony, there was one particular interaction that had us shocked and it’s when Amanda said: “If it were up to me, we probably would have slept together by now.”

Now, we all know that consent requires everyone involved in the situation to give an enthusiastic ‘yes’, and Tash hasn’t given any indication that she wants to be that intimate with Amanda. In fact, it was the opposite. 

Tash actually described in detail how her feelings evolved from initial attraction to lack thereof, saying: “I was acting a certain way at the wedding and now my body language changed and she’s really intuitive and I knew she could pick it up. I wish I felt burning, strong, firey chemistry, I wish I did, but I’m not going to bullshit it.”

And Amanda knew this, but it didn’t stop Tash from blaming herself for the whole saga. She said: “I hurt her, but I was honest. I feel like I ruined the honeymoon, really, and it was pretty hard to recover from it and it drove a big wedge between us.”

Also, it didn’t help that Amanda cornered her wife, in front of 21 other people, outlining her lack of intimacy in their relationship, saying: “Quality time for me is watching a movie together… We didn’t watch a single movie together…  I’m talking away from the public… I’m talking in the room, with no one around, like your walls down, our PJ’s are on and we’re just our complete selves, our bras are literally off, and we’re enjoying each other’s company… Take your bra off! Let it hang! Do you know what I mean?” 

So, essentially we have a situation with an abundance of issues. Tash feels like she’s in the wrong because she isn’t feeling the same feelings as her partner and Amanda feels the need to vocalise what she would have done if she was “calling the shots.” Newsflash, it’s not “calling the shots” if one member of the relationship is not up for the intimacy. 

So unless Tash changes her mind, falls in love with Amanda and begin in something more than a friendship, the bras stay on.

If you haven’t done your MAFS homework, make sure you catch up on previous lessons. So far, we’ve learnt about gaslighting, why adults still need supervision, to never force chemistry, to not make a fool of yourself when there are cameras aroundhow to meet people in a socially acceptable way and also how crappy friends can ruin a relationship.

Always be in the loop with our snackable podcast breaking the biggest story of the day. Subscribe to It’s Been A Big Day For… on your favourite podcast app.

Joey From ‘10 Things I Hate About You’ Is A Cult Leader IRL And I Can’t Cope

I guess the tube sock ad didn't work out.

Remember Joey Donner from everyone’s favourite 90s flick 10 Things I Hate About You? He was the OG f*ckboy and every parent’s worst nightmare – but in real life, he’s apparently a cult leader who got done for illegally selling kombucha.

According to Marie Claire, Andrew Keegan – who played Joey in the film –  is the co-founder of “California spiritual community” Full Circle, where he “passionately seeks to inspire and empower the community to co-create a better world.”

Apparently, in his role Keegan is often referred to as a “guru” and “promotes organic experiences within the temple, including hand-holding, group meditation, spooning, crystals, candles and ‘soul medicine.’” Full Circle even has a pet parrot called Krishna, reflecting the religion’s Hindu influence.

Speaking of throwbacks, listen to the GOAT team breakdown Jessica Simpson’s new tell-all book on It’s Been A Big Day For… below:

In a 2014 article, Vice characterised Full Circle as a “new religion,” however publications including Jezebel have labelled it a cult. In a 2015 interview with Keegan, Lauren Bans of New York Magazine wrote, “the actual theology of the group is tough to in down, but it seems to loosely follow Hinduism – or at least Russell Brand’s Sanskrit-tattoo version of it.”

If all this hadn’t blown your mind enough, in 2015, Keegan was reportedly raided by California’s Department of Alcohol Beverage Control for “illegally selling Kombucha that wasn’t labelled alcoholic.”

“Kombucha is something we’d never imagine to be an illegal substance, and it’s frustrating the system has that perspective,” Keegan said. “We’re certainly taking full responsibility. We try to put our best foot forward.”

According to Vice, Keegan’s “spiritual transformation” came from a traumatic experience in 2011 when he and two friends were attacked by gang members in Venice Beach. “The significance of this occurrence is that it happened at the same time the tsunami hit Japan,” he said, relating the incident to a series of events and “weird coincidences.”

Sounds like Keegan’s current life is a far cry from his days as semi-professional tube sock model Joey Donner, but whatever floats your boat, right?

Always be in the loop with our snackable podcast breaking the biggest story of the day. Subscribe to It’s Been A Big Day For… on your favourite podcast app.

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