Bleats

The Campaign To Bring Back Free Plastic Bags Has Reached A Fresh Level Of Stupid

Maybe the idea is that if you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em.

Here is a list of all of the good reasons for continuing single-use plastic bags: I hate the environment and I wish to make a particularly flashy point about it and show them greenies who’s boss. Of, you know, the bags.

However, we live in the timeline where objectively positive things galvanise small and vocal troll clusters to argue that they’re actually bad, often for entirely fictional reasons.

Vaccinations, for example. Water fluoridation. Teaching history. Renewable energy. There’s no shortage of things that are smart being howled down by armies of… you know.

THEY’RE EVERYWHERE

And amid a growing horror about the degree to which micro plastics are pervading the entire global environment – including horror stories of dead baby turtles with stomachs full of plastic – there’s another fight about the rights of Australians to keep being given single use shopping bags.

For now a brilliant new excuse has been pitched, for which you might need to sit down.

Get comfy.

The slowing Australian economy is being further weakened by the lack of plastic bags because – sigh – people can’t carry their purchases so they’re buying less stuff.

This was the claim made in a report by Australian businesses – a “confidential” report which remains suspiciously unattributed to the point that one might almost think in this case “confidential” is a misprint of “imaginary”.

As excuse go this is breathtakingly stupid for a bunch of reasons, starting with it being predicated that supermarkets and other retailers don’t have any bags available, thereby forcing shoppers to purchase only what they can carry.

Or juggle!

Spoiler: bags remain both plentiful and available, even in places which don’t hand them out.

Said bags in non-bag-giving places require purchase, which for supermarkets hovers around 15 cents depending on the outlet. The idea that someone would be spending hundreds of bonus dollars on things but simultaneously don’t have the 15 cents spare for a bag is… look, again, we’re not saying that the report is definitely made up, but we’re not NOT saying that either.

And hell, I’d be all for a $50 price tag on supermarket bags, because I can goddamn guarantee that no-one would ever forget their bag more than once.

There's A New Eco-Alternative To Being Buried Or Burnt After You Die, Isn't That A Fun Discovery?

"Say, these veges taste a bit grandpa-ish;"

The dead have had it pretty rough for a long, long time.

After all, there are only two real alternatives on the slab for what to have done with oneself after life: tie up space by being buried in the dark, cold earth or be committed to the flames and thereby have one’s emissions contribute to the planet’s climate emergency.

But now Washington State have ploughed proudly forward and are offering a third way: composting!

Simply have your loved ones dump your corpse into the green bin and put it out on the curb on garbage night and yes we’re joking.

The new law (which, to emphasise, is exclusive to Washington at this point) “allows licensed facilities to offer ‘natural organic reduction’ which turns a body, mixed with substances such as wood chips and straw, into about two wheelbarrows’ worth of soil in a span of several weeks,” according to the Associated Press.

And there are good things about this plan. It’s non-polluting, it doesn’t take up the sort of space an embalmed and be-coffined human does, and there’s something rather nice about the idea of returning to soil.

It’s still not quite enough to change the current plan to have my body dragged out to Port Lincoln to be fed to great white sharks, but it seems almost as dignified an exit.

Pornhub Usher In A Sexy, Sexy New Era Of Environmental Activism

Once again, where global governments fail, the pornography industry steps up.

Here’s a hard truth: no matter how you spin it, it has historically been very difficult to argue that your masturbatory habits have been socially beneficial.

Thankfully that’s all changed with the news that PornHub are launching their series Beesexual: a series of short clips raising awareness of the disappearance of bees from the wild and the ecological collapse which will follow as countless plants are unable to propagate without them.

You know, exactly the sort of apocalyptic science that truly enlivens a good wank.

The company will donate to pro-bee charities for every view, with each of their bee-pollination videos sexfully voiced by porn actors. Aside from the good cause element, it’s also perfect for those of us who enjoy a bit of a chuckle during the refractory period.

Hot tip, though. Bellowing “I’M TRYING TO SAVE THE BEES!” at your office supervisor isn’t going to fly as an excuse. OH&S guidelines are there for a reason.

Pop-up Channel

Follow Us