How Much Would Ralph Wiggum’s Limited Edition Star Wars Action Figures Be Worth Now?

I bent my Wookie.

Once a year, Star Wars crosses my mind and my limited knowledge of the characters comes from other pop culture references – namely, The Simpsons.

The Simpsons are always on the pulse with pop culture, and have even gone as far to convince viewers that they’re SO ahead of the curve, that they can predict the future, including Kobe Bryant’s untimely death.

Casting our memory back to an episode that originally aired in 1994, Lisa’s Revival where the main plot centres around a diorama competition at school, Ralph Wiggum sets up a lil table with Star Wars action figures, and so famously says ‘what’s a diorama?’

Upon some unnecessary research that absolutely nobody asked for, I decided to find out if those pre-packaged, limited edition Star Wars action figures, still in their display box, would be worth anything.

Paying close attention to the dialogue, Principal Skinner tells us these are limited edition Luke, Obi-Wan and Chewy. The artists’ depiction seems to be modelled off the Kenner collectors figurines.

This particular episode of The Simpsons was aired in 1994, so Ralph would be collecting figurines from the original trilogy from between 1977 and 1983.

An action figure selling guide claims that “dealed Star Wars action figures produced between 1977 and 1985 are worth between $100 and $200, but some are worth up to $1,000, $10,000 or more.”

What I have deduced from glancing at the picture of Ralph at his table of award-winning Star Wars action figures is that he very well might have two of the rarest beauts in front of him.

In July 2018, an Obi-Wan Kenobi figure sold for $76,000. If Ralph Obi-Wan had the rare Double-Telescoping Lightsaber from 1978, he could be ranking it in.

The other one I reckon Ralph has in his half-cut cardboard box could be Luke Skywalker, again with a Double-Telescoping Lightsaber, again from 1978 which can snatch up to $25,000.

All of this is violently good news for you, if you have any of these in your collection, but unfortunately terrible news for Ralph because, as we all know – at the end of the episode, Ralph bent his Wookie.

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Which Star Wars Characters Would Get Their Asses Whooped On The D-Floor?

If I throw back, is it fast enough?

Full disclaimer, I’ve never watched a Star Wars film, even though I’m an Aquarius and it’s in my nature to be into some whack, intergalactic mumbo-jumbo – so, when I first decided I wanted to judge the each Star Wars characters’ ability to throw it back, I didn’t realise there’d be so fkn many of them.

I will be judging their dancing ability purely on their headshots and random tidbits I find on the Star Wars Fandom page, and ranking them Disco Stick to Two-Left Feet. Let’s jump in to who I predict would crush a dance circle, and who would get a small cameo in Step Up 7: Saturn’s Ring.

Kylo Ren

Kylo Ren is portrayed by Adam Driver, and Adam Driver can throw it back. I would not want to come face to face with him, but I wouldn’t say no to a friendly shape-throw.

Jar Jar Binks

I don’t know what Jar Jar Binks is, but he looks a little stinky. He also looks like he’s from Florida and is just always on Spring Break. Good dancer? Hard to say. Committed dancer? Absolutely.


Chewbacca would be found ripping up his best moves on a stage, in a cage at the rowdiest Bear Club in the middle of the city. He’s got a booty, and he knows how to use it to get what he wants.

Darth Vader

Dark Daddy LOVES dancing. He’s got a unique style and his friends can get embarrassed by his moves, but at least he’s confident.


The Robot is actually over, someone tell R2-D2.

Han Solo

Han Solo has a sliver of rhythm, that he picked up on his travels to Europe where he found himself in a nightclub with cheap vodka shots. He goes in with confidence but would get brutally destroyed.


Yoda is???? so old???? He would deadass crack a hip if he tried to throw it back. Not saying he couldn’t get some serious air on a cheek clap if he really tried, but I wouldn’t put him forward to take the crown.

Princess Leia

You could tell me that Princess Leia was Pam Beesly from The Office U.S. and I would believe you. I’ve also seen Pam Beesly dance at one of the many office parties, and it was no good.

Luke Skywalker

The way you could give this man years of dance lessons and he would still roll up looking like a frog with webbed feet. Just by looking at his bowl cut-mullet hybrid and the way he’s holding that lightsaber like it’s a fkn crayon, you can just TELL he doesn’t know how to operate his body.

Honorable mention: Obi-Wan Kenobi

Ah, everyone’s favourite barbecue dad. Apron on, tongs in hand, this man has all your quintessential moves down – The Sprinkler, The Shopping Trolley, The I Burnt The Sausages Because I Was Booty Poppin’ Instead Of Checking Them – he’s got it all. He can come to the party, but don’t rely on him to win it for the crew you’re taking to the carpark after this.

Just to remind you, I have never seen Star Wars but I am very good at listing things with absolutely no authority. I ranked the dinosaurs you should date and the Teletubbies by how handsome they are.

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Claire Saffitz's Birth Chart Isn't Public Knowledge, So I Guessed

This one is for the gays.

Like many internet gays, I have fallen fully and irrevocably in love with Claire Saffitz from the Bon Appétit test kitchen. I also have a giant crush on Alex Delany – the Drinks Editor at Bon Appétit – but I fear I’ll need more time to process those feelings before sending them further than relentless DMs to my friends.

absolute fkn dreamboat

It is a side effect of my personality that if I have a crush on you, I will demand to know your birth chart. I’d probably put that down to my own placements – specifically my Venus in Capricorn – that forces me to be quite calculated when it comes to expressing my affection, so I lean on charts and shit to validate my feelings. That’s a whole thing, and definitely a me problem, but it’s why we’re here.

I have taken it upon myself to confidently guess Claire Saffitz’s birth chart, as I couldn’t find it anywhere and I feel it’s my personal duty to provide that to the fellow BA tragics. (This is probably the time to disclose that I am not an astrologer and I do not know what I am doing, for the most part.)

Me realising my civil duty.

Before I get into my educated guessing, I’d like to disclose some astro- relevant info that we already have about Claire Saffitz that can help us start painting a picture of the queen of test kitchen.

Famous Birthdays tells us that Claire was born on September 16th in 1986 – meaning that her sun sign is Virgo. Your sign sign is determined by the day you’re born. Personally, I am enthralled by Virgos because they are so delightfully intelligent and really make you work for their trust. Virgos are also known for being responsible and liking things ‘just so’.

Evidence of Claire’s Virgo sun jumped out and smacked me in the face in the Girl Scout Cookies episode of Gourmet Makes when she spent a good chunk of the video cleaning someone else’s microwave mess, and proceeded to show everyone her efforts in the post-end-card scene.

We are also aware that Claire was born in St. Louis, Missouri which gives us a fairly accurate idea of her moon sign. The moon sign rules your emotions, and is determined by the place of birth, but moves through the zodiac approximately every two days. On the day Claire was born in St. Louis, the moon was in Pisces.

Those with a Pisces moon tend to feel a lot of empathy and as a result, fall into a melancholic state, without warning. Pisces moons are also known to be quite evasive when there’s something at hand that they don’t want to do. For Claire, this is unbearably evident whenever she’s asked to temper chocolate in a recipe – she loathes it with her entire being and always enlists the help of someone else to get it done.

Armed with a Virgo Sun and a Pisces Moon, we are two-thirds of the way to Claire’s ‘Big Three’ – but without her birth time, it’s just you and me against the the universe. We’re on our own in the mission to guess Claire Saffitz’s ascendant sign as accurately as we possibly can, or should the stans (and Astro Twitter) be so merciful as to crucify the shit out of me.

The Ascendant, or ‘rising sign’ is considered to be the first impression that you give people before they get to know you. After careful analysis of Claire in Bon Appétit videos; namely ‘Gourmet Makes’ and ‘Making Perfect’ series, I have concluded that Claire’s ascendant is Capricorn.

I know I’m right.

I have it on good authority (Google) that the first two Queen Elizabeths, Naomi Campbell and Jane Fonda all have a Capricorn Ascendant, so she’s in good company here.

A Capricorn rising is well into dry humour and deadpan delivery – which Claire is very, very good at. This placement is really unique against the other signs because it’s focussed on independence and doesn’t stress about involving others in their story from the jump. Capricorn is an earth sign, which translates to being grounded, organised, driven and confident.

My favourite’s Gouda.

As for the rest of Claire’s chart, you can find a version below. It’s like, fairly accurate but without her birth time, we won’t have every planet in it’s exact place, so take it with a grain of salt.

I’m desperately sorry if you’ve made it this far down the article and you have no clue what the hell this is or why it exists but I’m so very glad I got to share this thought I had and I hope you’re having an absolutely great day.

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