Remember when Elon Musk was just a new Tony Stark?
Those lofty salad days of 2017, when Musky was going to save the world, and we were all going to have batteries in our pantries and Teslas in the driveway?
Well, Mr Musk has taken a few stumbles after a few social foibles, and he isn’t quite the gleaming Coruscant of our dreams anymore.
Unless, of course, you’re the kind of Joe Rogan listening, backwards hat wearing, pre-workout sipping type – who has always dreamed of owning their very own, maybe-not-as-expensive-as-it-should-be, Starship Troopers-style flamethrower.
He’s doing his part!
When Musk’s Boring Company (they bore tunnels, it’s a drilling pun – get it?) announced that they were about to release a flamethrower, most of us had one question in our minds: why?
Now that the social channels are flooding with filtered pictures of protein shake aficionados shooing gouts of literal fire out of their new toy, we all have a new question in our minds: seriously, dude – why the hell?
Look how far we’ve come!
Good question.
The “why” behind this nonsense has been simple: fundraising.
The Boring Company needed to raise $10,000,000 to kick-start the company’s plans to construct Musk’s futuristic Hyperloop Transport System (which he pitched, back when he was still “good Elon”).
Most companies would do it the old-fashioned way: with expensive tickets to a charity ball featuring a silent auction and the choice of chicken or fish.
Musk and Co, however, don’t want to be boring. They want to get people psyched for Hyperloop, and you know who loves getting super psyched?
These guys!
First 1000 Boring Company Flamethrowers being picked up today! pic.twitter.com/hBMp5fGzAB
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) June 9, 2018
And (weirdly-enough) these guys!
Nothing makes your baby more zen than a few gentle puffs of a TBC Flamethrower pic.twitter.com/HewJf66hh2
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) June 9, 2018
I don’t get it.
Why don’t these people just buy a jet ski or a speedboat, like every other man-child with too much bank?
These are just a small section of the first 1,000 people to grab a rad-dude-fire-gun, and another 19,000 are about to get their hands on one over the coming months. So the socials are about to get real interesting, and I look forward to the hashtag #BoringCompanyBurn.
No. Actual, literal burns.
Maybe I’m just jealous because I don’t have US$500 to drop on a fire toy.
Either way, it doesn’t matter. Boring Company reached their goal of $10,000,000, and the Hyperloop is one step closer to construction.
I just hope for Musk and Co that these 20,000 flamethrower owners don’t kill themselves in a flaming ball of “Dude, hold my beer.”
Otherwise, I can’t comprehend who’ll fund the next step of construction.
This guy has his.