Bleats

Elon Musk is Burrowing Under LA And Is Definitely Not A Supervillain

This is all perfectly normal activity by a run of the mill company, just like Lexcorp.

Look, it’s cheap and lazy to make jokes that tech billionaire and entirely normal human being Elon Musk is some sort of cartoonish baddie.

He’s a businessman and entrepreneur who does things like launch cars into space and invent new-wave flamethrowers, perfectly legitimate areas of interest which are in no way tiny cogs in a vast a global machine designed for domination of all humankind, that’s for darn sure.

And that’s why there’s no reason to pay undue attention to the fact that he’s burrowing under Los Angeles at the moment, as so many of our top businesspeople do.

He’s created a loop test track, a 1.8 km tunnel which stretches from Musk’s base – sorry, lai… I mean, Space X corporate headquarters which is a prototype for a way to bust traffic congestion in the city and definitely not as a particle accelerator for a sun-bursting super laser or to provide access for his mole army to break into Fort Knox.

The technology used by his cute-named Boring Company used was conventional tunnel-digging machinery, but Musk has promised that the tech he’s working on would be able to dig far faster while also removing the dirt, sealing the walls, and finally destroying that pesky Captain Justice and his infuriating sidekick Hero Boy once and for all.

“Also, reports like that I have a slightly malfunctioning right robo-arm are completely false.”

“We definitely do not have all the answers here,” he announced at the launch of the Musk Robo Death Warren, adding that “We have people hounding us to invest nonstop, which is weird because they haven’t seen the financials. They just assume this will work, and they’re probably right.”

“Fools!” he then almost certainly didn’t add as lightning cracked dramatically behind him. “I shall destroy them all!”

Do Not Stare Into The Sun, Regardless Of What Pete Evans Tells You

Gaze not upon the glowing sky-orb, gentle reader, lest misfortune befall thee!

In these days when so much of medical science is pretty settled it’s harder and harder to cut through. Thus some years ago the most popular media health gurus hit upon an exciting new technique: take something which is objectively harmful, like only eating one thing or not getting vaccinated, and then argue that it’s actually great.

Which brings us to Pete Evans’ latest piece of health not-advice:

“Every day I love to immerse myself in an experience within the cleansing ocean water as well as a brief gaze into the radiant light of the early rising or late setting sun,” he explained in a post on Instagram. “These simple, yet powerful practices have got to be two of the best forms of free medicine on the planet for body, mind and spirit.”

Sorry, you had some advice? We got distracted.

Now, there are two things raised by this. One is that Pete Evans is a very, very handsome man. Just look at him, seemingly hanging out in a real life Far Cry. My god, we could get lost in those eyes.

And speaking of which, staring at the sun even briefly is a terrible idea because it literally burns your eyes to bits.

The cells in your cornea are exquisitely sensitive to ultraviolet light and physically blister and crack when exposed to it. That’s generally temporary, but if you keep doing it on the reg you can also help develop cataracts on the lens itself.

But the biggest problem is the retina, described by scientists as “the seeing-bit of the eye what tells your brain about the seeing”. Staring at the sun causes what’s called “solar retinopathy” which, unlike the corneal damage, can be permanent.

Oh, and it gets worse. You can also permanently damage your macula, getting a permanent blind spot in the centre of your vision. In related news, eyes sure do have a lot of bits to them.

In short, you’d have to be a bit of a moron to stare at the sun, or at a solar eclipse.

A Robot Exploded On A Uni Campus And The Students Are Honouring Its AI-Memory

01010010 01001001 01010000, little friend.

Robots. As you know, they’re going to eventually be our overlords and crush we puny biologicals under their remorseless spiked robot-feet, but there are hopes to avoid this grim future by encouraging amity and detente.

And part of that is respecting their robo-sacrifice and honouring their legacy when they, for example, burst into flame after delivering food.

MY TACOS!

Yes, the University of California, Berkeley has delivery robots, which is something which we really need to start instituting in our local universities, and also everywhere GOAT are because WHY DO WE NOT HAVE DELIVERY ROBOTS RIGHT NOW?

Anyway: while trundling on its important work, a kiwibot suddenly and unexpectedly burst into flames. Which seems like a design flaw, unless the plan was for the food to be cooked en route.

And the students were justifiably devastated at the loss of their tiny delivery pal and held a candlelight vigil for them.

Of course, is flame the most appropriate way to mark the passing of a robot engulfed in its fiery embrace? That might seem a little gauche to our pitiless future masters.

In any case: rest well, Kiwibot. You’re delivering snacks to the angels now.

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