Bleats

Single Men, You Need To Up Your Alarming Bathroom Game

Stop being grubs.

Despite all the effort single men put into their appearance and hygiene so they can succeed in the dating game, the one aspect many dudes are lacking is a solid bathroom game.

Gussy up all you want but people can tell if you’re a grub by the state of your bathroom. After living with a bunch of single men for years, I can say that I’m not surprised many of them stayed single for a long time.

If prospective partners weren’t frightened off by the unclean toilet, the hair-covered sink did the trick.

So in an attempt to help single men expand their hygiene skills beyond just what happens on their face, here are some things to keep in mind for the next time you bring a date home and they need to use the bathroom.

Clean up all beard and pube shavings

Credit to all the single men who make a concerted effort to keep their face and downstairs tidy.

But for the love of god wash away all beard and pube shavings. It’s not just to appease prospective partners either as no one – and I mean no one – wants to see pubes scattered across the toilet seat or beard trimmings littering the sink and floor

Speaking of the floor…

Clean the damn floor

Dust, hair and bodily fluids accumulate on the bathroom floor at alarming rates, particularly if you’re a grub who doesn’t watch where they piss or shave.

Do yourself and everyone a favour and keep the floors clean and piss free. The last thing your partner or housemate needs is stepping into a puddle of urine mixed in your your beard trimmings in the middle of the night.

No poop stains in the toilet

Do I really need to explain this one?

And keep the toilet seat clean while you’re at it. The amount of piss that gets gathered under it is alarming.

Toothbrushes and mould don’t belong in the shower

I get that some people like to multitask and brush their teeth in the shower, even if it may not be the best way of maintaining dental hygiene. But the thought of all that water rolling off someone’s sweaty body and onto the toothbrush is too much to take, especially when they’re placed below waist height.

But even more than toothbrushes marinating in day-old shower water is mould. How on earth are you meant to keep yourself clean when the main cleaning apparatus is filthier than you are?

Scrub those shower walls like your would yourself for everyone’s sake, please.

This 83-Year-Old Nan Having Her Way With Fkbois On Tinder Is Goals

She's everything we should aspire to be when we're in our 80s.

It’s no secret that dating is quite a struggle many single people with Tinder (or any dating app) face. But for those who are losing hope in ever finding “the one,” take some inspiration from this 83-year-old granny who is having the time of her life after getting into online dating.

After being married for over 25 years before splitting up with her ex-husband, Hattie Retroage said she missed casual dating and decided to get back on the bandwagon by getting Tinder and describing herself as:

“Hattie, 83, fascinating older beauty.

“Seeking a steady younger friend/lover for a shared life of adventure and passion. No pro-Trump and no players.”

Next she she knows, she’s having her way with much younger dudes who are eager to please. In her own words: “They love giving orgasms and I love getting them, so now I have a steady stream.”

So why does Hattie go exclusively for younger men? Well according to her, men her age aren’t around any more. Can’t argue with that.

Secondly, she discovered that younger men these days really love the idea of dating older women, especially if they’re as old as their nan, saying that “they get off on getting a woman off” and that attitude is “very different” from her younger days. No arguing with that either.

Another win-win of dating young dudes is she also doesn’t have to worry about things like “emotions” or commitment either, which is fine by her since all she wants is a good time at this point in her life.

Perhaps the biggest thing Hattie wants to do though besides having her way with the hordes of fkbois at her beck and call is to get rid of the negative stigma people have of “cougars” and aging. As Indiana Jones once said, it’s not the years, it’s the mileage.

Good on you, Hattie, don’t let anyone stop you from living your best life!

As for how successful she’s been on Tinder, Hattie says she’s met around 50 men aged between 19 (she thought he was older and wouldn’t have rocked his world had she’d known) to 33 and there are plenty of other men lining up on her matched list on Tinder. Damn, age is truly just a number.

Hats off to Hattie, who is breaking down negative stigmas about dating younger men as a “granny” and having the time of her life while doing it.

Goals right there.

Flume's Response To That Infamous Burning Man Moment Is To Eat Someone's Peach

It's the only appropriate follow up.

So you may have heard about Flume and his infamous performance at Burning Man where he literally brown nosed a woman (who may or may not be his girlfriend, Paige Elkington) mid set.

For those who need a refresher on what happened, some Burning Man fan was waving around a “Does Flume even eat a**?” sign during Flume’s set and the DJ responded by literally eating a woman’s arse for a few seconds.

Basically this happened.

After copping a heap of attention for the impromptu onstage anilingus, Flume has responded with an Instagram post of him eating someone’s peach.

As in someone gave him a literal peach and he ate it.

Get your minds out of the gutter.

After the wild Burning Man aftermath that involved endless analyses into why on earth did Flume do the mouth to arse sex thing onstage to ridiculous deep dives into who his girlfriend Paige Elkington is because people are assuming the woman who got brown nosed was her, the highest of fives must be given to the DJ for responding in this manner.

He could’ve went and hid himself in a bunker while all this blew over but instead he took it on the chin and embraced it. Clearly he thinks this whole saga is as much of a joke as what it was initially meant to be so props to him to rolling with the punches and playing along with it.

Well done.

Now that this Flume/Burning Man/Onstage sex thing is basically over, let’s do a quick sitrep what we’ve all learned:

  • Flume not only eats “a**” but he also eats peaches
  • We still don’t know if the woman in the video is Paige Elkington
  • Whoever she is, she’s having the time of her life
  • Flume’s mum is either disappointed or supremely entertained with what went down at Burning Man

What a mad lad.

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