Bill And Ted Remind Us To Be Excellent And Damn Keanu Reeves Has Aged Well

But will the new movie be excellent or bogus?

As you’re no doubt aware, all movies must now be sequels, prequels or parts of larger franchises.

And thus is is not surprise that now Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted (Theodore) Logan, the eponymous stars of the Bill And Ted films Excellent Adventure and Bogus Journey have announced that the much rumoured Bill And Ted Face The Music will allegedly open in the US summer of 2020.

And to be fair, if ever there was a time to remind everyone to be excellent to one another, 2019 is it.

Importantly, it’s also a reminder that Keanu Reeves made some sort of pact with the devil to age from fresh faced ingenue into a look that can be summed up as either “alt.rock elder statesman” or “wistful Gen X fap fuel”, while Alex Winter is rocking a look that’s more “tired stepdad” or “that primary school teacher you haven’t seen in years and oh god is that him?” Bless.

Anyway, the point is that there’s going to be a new movie, it’s coming out next year and that the cruel ravages of time come for all of us except Keanu Reeves. Use your finite time on the planet accordingly.

The Meg Is Going To Be 2018's Most Gloriously Stupid Movie And It's Almost Here

It's been too long since we got another giant shark film, and this one is the giantest and sharkiest yet!

Many years ago, for reasons I can’t recall, I read Meg: A Novel of Deep Terror by Steve Alten and thought “wow, that was the most transparent pitch for a film rights sale I have ever read, and I cannot wait to see this terrible film about a giant prehistoric shark what eats people.”

And now, friends, we can see it together. WE LIVE IN A GOLDEN AGE.

The Meg stars Jason Statham, Rainn Wilson, Ruby Rose and Li Bingbing among its human stars, and what a gloriously random assortment that is. It also stars a giant CGI shark and a lot of quips.

And now we have this little featurette to “wet” your appetite GEDDIT WET LIKE THE OCEAN WHERE THE MEG IS!

For those not across their paleo-slash-cryptobiology, the megalodon is a now-extinct shark which we know entirely through fossilised teeth – which are, to be clear, massive.

From said teeth scientists have determined that said sharks died out about two and a half million years ago, but both the book and film are based on the premise that a) the megalodon was basically a 75 foot long great white shark (which probably isn’t true; it was probably more like a Mako shark, and topped out at about 60 feet ) and b) that maybe some survived and live in the great untraversed depths of the oceans.


That’s a fun idea, but not the case.

All the evidence is that Megalodons ate prehistoric whales and therefore probably hung around surface coastal waters. In fact, it’s likely that the thing that drove the sharks to extinction was that whales started heading for polar climes.

You know, cold water. Cold water that is still far, far more hospitable than the lightless below-freezing temperatures and crushing pressure between the surface and the warm geothermal vents at the bottom of places like the Marianas Trench.

Also, a big clue that the megalodons died out around that time is that the fossil record shows that suddenly whales got a whole lot bigger – almost like there was no alpha predator from which they had to flee all the time.

But who cares? It’s Jason Statham fighting a shark the size of an airliner. We’re all in.

K-Mart Have Stopped Stocking CDs And DVDs So Rush To Hoard Your Dead Media While You Still Can

Hipsters to start fetishising the superior audio experience of CD in three, two…

Lament, people that either don’t care for streaming or who live in areas serviced by the NBN and therefore don’t have useable internet: your days of being able to “purchase” actual objects containing music and/or film which you can “own” are numbered.

Yes, retail behemoth K-Mart has become the latest retailer to abandon CDs, DVDs and Blu-Ray.

It’s for a bunch of reasons, ranging from the desire of the retailer to free up floor space to the declining demand for discs in a world of easily-accessible streaming, to the fact that companies have discovered that it’s a lot more lucrative to charge people for “access” to their catalogues, potentially many times over, than to let them pay for Star Wars once and then selfishly own it forever.

In any case, we now expect that places that still sell DVDs and CDs, like JB Hi-Fi, will be filled with insufferable 90s kids talking about how much better things sound on CD, how nothing compares to the feeling of popping the disc from that brittle plastic case (“you can really smell the benzine!”), the excitement of seeing if your computer would actually read the thing, and so on.


And while most commentators on this matter shrug and compare it to previous format changes, from vinyl to cassette to CD, it’s weird that we’re moving from high definition formats (CD and Blu-Ray) to far, far worse ones (streaming, MP3).

Insert your own metaphor for the general direction of society here, cynics.


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