A New Study Says You Should Have Four Coffees A Day And We Are Jittering In Agreement

A team of German researchers believe that caffeine does your heart good - but the amount you'll need might literally cause you some sleepless nights.

There’s a particular kind of science journalism about which you, the savvy digital native media consumer, have doubtlessly learned to be sceptical: the “this superfood will save your life!” story.

They all follow the same model: some claim that kale or blueberries or walnuts or whatever are touted as having incredible health benefits according to such-and-such a paper, and then you drill down to the actual study and discover that what the study actually found was that a molecule contained in said food had an inhibiting effect on cancer cells in a petri dish or something.

So, with that in mind: you should now definitely drink four coffees a day for good heart health.


The study, which was published in PLOS Biology under the catchy title ‘CDKN1B/p27 is localized in mitochondria and improves respiration-dependent processes in the cardiovascular system – New mode of action for caffeine’, looked at lab mice that were dosed up on caffeine and also the way that caffeine affected human tissue, concluding that the caffeine changed the way that certain proteins in our bloodstream work.

More specifically, it made older cells behave more like younger ones – which, we assume, meant they made more reckless decisions and were on their phones the whole time dagnabbit.

OK, the multiple cigarettes are possibly not ideal.

Co-lead investigator Joachim Altschmied told Business Insider that “When you drink four to five cups of espresso that seems to improve the function of the powerhouses of our cells, and therefore seems to be protective.”

And while the media is notoriously regular about telling you that last week’s health benefits for coffee/red wine/eggs/etc have been debunked by this week’s health scare regarding coffee/red wine/eggs/etc, there’s a growing body of evidence that coffee’s genuinely helpful.

Of course, too much can make you type jibberish.

Large-scale generational studies in Europe have found that regular coffee drinkers tend to live longer, have fewer heart problems and strokes, as well as lower rates of diabetes.

And, as ever, there needs to be mention that correlation is not causation and it might be that healthier people drink coffee more for unrelated reasons, but let’s just assume that our reliance upon that sweet black goodness is actually us being admirably health conscious, eh?

I’m not shaking, you’re the one that’s shaking.

Smartypants Science Confirms Werewolves Aren't Real Because There Is No Joy Or Mystery Left In The World

The internet went nuts when a strange wolf-like creature was killed by a rancher, and now science has revealed the amazing truth THEY didn't want you to know!

There was something of an internet kerfuffle – to use the technical term – last month when a rancher in Montana shot and killed a weird, wolf-like creature that was harassing his livestock on May 16.

Witnesses said that the creature looked like a wolf and behaved like a wolf, but  as the Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks rep says in the below video “Something was not right about the animal… It does not look like a wild wolf.”

Naturally there was only one conclusion: that this was a werewolf.

Yes, that most tragic of monsters, a man trapped in the skin of a beast and forced to roam the wilderness desperately attempting to satiate its bloodlust even as it fights for its very humanity.

Sure, it wasn’t a full moon until May 18, but maybe he had a thing on and was getting his werewolfing in early. Werewolves have social obligations too, you know.

And then science came along with “experts” and “DNA analysis” and examined this  wolf-like creature and discover the SHOCKING TRUTH.

It was a wolf.

Not this one.

Specifically, it was a young female grey wolf without any particularly unusual characteristics. Which is not perhaps quite as exciting, but also rather more in keeping with the world as we know it.

Except, of course, this simply means that the crafty werewolf is STILL OUT THERE, having somehow managed to get this poor non-were-actual-wolf to take the fall.

Yeah: we’re on to you, you shifty lycanthrope.

IQs Actually Are Dropping Worldwide, So We Really Are Getting Dumb And Dumberer

No-one's entirely sure why we're seeing this drop in clevertude, but get ready for your smartypants grandparents to lord it over you nonetheless

It’s easy – and fun! – to insist that everyone younger than you is an idiot. If it wasn’t there would never be anything in the letters pages of most of our newspapers, or any purpose to Gene Simmons interviews.

However, it appears that numbers are on the side of the greybeards: we really are getting more stupid. Or, more accurately, we’re getting less good at IQ tests.

Humans have been getting measurably smarter year on year in what is called the “Flynn Effect” – named for the researcher who first described it – which basically meant that you would be expected to do better than your parents did, for the most part, if you’d been tested at the same age.

Only that’s stopped happening. In fact, according to a study out of the Ragnar Frisch Centre for Economic Research in Norway, we’re getting heaps more stupider.

As Medical Xpress have summarised, “The study by the team consisted of analyzing IQ test results from young men entering Norway’s national service (compulsory military duty) during the years 1970 to 2009. In all, 730,000 test results were accounted for. In studying the data, the researchers found that scores declined by an average of seven points per generation, a clear reversal of test results going back approximately 70 years.”

Other studies around the world have come to similar conclusions – that the trend in improvement has reversed in the last 40 years – and half-arsed theories as to why that is are easy to come by.

The favourites are: people playing video games, the rise in screen time, changes to the educational system, reduction in parental involvement due to the increased demands of late period capitalism, and a mean wizard’s curse – although it should be noted that the wizard one has technically only been suggested here, just then.

Of course, there’s another explanation: 1978 was also the birth year of James Franco.

Did the mere existence of Franco on this planet make everyone on it dumber? We’d love to be sure, but looking at all the data just makes us sleepy and confused. Hey, who wants to bet we can’t eat this extension cord?


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