Christmas takes a lot out of you. From the shopping and the planning to the travelling and the drinking, it’s all pretty exhausting – and that’s before you end up trapped in a house with the people who shaped the majority of the hangups that plague you in adulthood, some of whom are going to ask you a lot of questions about your life choices.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
It can be hard to deal with rude or nosy people effectively because you don’t want to cause drama – and if it’s someone who’s older than you you might still feel like you need to be deferential, even though you don’t sit on the kids’ table any more.
But here are two things to remember: number one, you are a person, and your business is your business.
And number two: “No” is a complete sentence.
If you’re trying to drink less or not eating meat, and someone’s trying to hand you an extra glass of wine or a turkey leg, just say “No, thank you.” If they hit you back with a jolly “Oh, why not?” or call you a spoilsport or a scrooge or something, repeat “No, I’m good, thanks” with your blankest, politest smile.
I can’t stress this enough: it’s not rude to say “No, thank you”, or to decline to elaborate on your reasons for saying it.
If someone is interrogating you about why you’re still single at the ripe old age of 27, why you’re not eating meat, why you’re still with That Dickhead, why you broke up with That Nice Boy, why you posted about Trans Day Of Remembrance and what that is exactly, why you chose your current career over [insert lucrative but exhausting or largely evil industry that made someone’s son rich enough to buy a house at 22], why you’ve never had a boy/girlfriend (with the insinuation being that they suspect you’re gay, which is enough to deal with without trying to explain to Aunt Kerry what asexuality is), why you went to your partner’s for Christmas Day and you’re only with your OWN family for Boxing Day (“I mean, it could be Pop’s last year”)…
The temptation can be strong to mutter something awkward, or to snap back and ask them about whether they think they’re mostly to blame for their recent divorce, Murray.
But if they go low, you go high. Just say brightly and politely: “I don’t really feel like talking about that today, thanks!” or “Wow, that’s a bit of a rude question, isn’t it?” Get specific if you have to: “My relationship with my ex/my work/my body is really only my business, so let’s talk about something else!” Then ask what they’re looking forward to next year, or what they’re up to on NYE.
Most people will be so surprised by being called out that they’ll welcome the change of subject.
If they persist, you can just nod and say, “I think I’ll get a refill, do you need another one?” and head over to the esky, or turn to the person on your other side at the table and ask them to pass the gravy.
If it makes you nervous to straight-up shut someone down, you don’t have to come right out with it. Just immediately divert the conversation to your niece’s newly lost tooth, or a present you saw them getting from someone else.
And if they’re somehow immune to repeated, explicit feedback that they’re being rude – as drunk people and baby boomers often are – politely excuse yourself and find a job to do.
Go and see if someone needs help peeling potatoes or prawns, entertaining a sugar-buzzed seven-year-old, or just cleaning something. Gather the discarded wrapping paper for recycling.
Grab two glasses of bubbles or a sneaky plate of rum balls or shortbread, and go hide in the kitchen or by the BBQ with your favourite family gossip – or get very busy polishing silverware in a quiet corner with your favourite podcast.
Because along with rude old people, one of the other constants of Christmas is that there’ll be at least one kitchen martyr who’s doing way more than their share of the work while everyone else is off asking awkward questions.