Veganism is kind of a big deal right now, so this holiday season there’s a pretty good chance you’ll encounter one of us “in the wild”.
If that happens you may want to ask Very Important Questions We’ve Never Heard Before.
I get it. You think that if you make a really good point we’ll reconsider our stance, pull up a chair at the barbeque and start shovelling hot socks of animal bits down our throats, thanking you through flesh-filled mouthfuls for your amazing insights.
The chances of that happening are slim to none.
At great risk to myself because the Secret Vegan Society doesn’t want this information getting out there, here are the answers to questions you didn’t want a serious response to, but were going to ask anyway.
Where on earth do you get your protein?
Plants. One of the defining aspects of being a vegan is that all I consume is plant matter. So all of your nutrient related questions will be answered with the word ‘plants’.
But what about [obscure vitamin/mineral]?
Still plants.
It sounds like you’re interested in vegan nutrition. If you’re just starting out as a vegan, learning about what adjustments you can make to stay healthy is a smart move. There are a number of podcasts, websites, books and even apps that help you track your diet, to ensure you get into healthy habits that….why…..why are you walking away?
But what about plants’ feelings?
If you want, you can watch a slaughterhouse video and I’ll watch some crop harvesting. We’ll go minute for minute and see which one of us feels bad first.
Also, kale is pretentious so I eat it out of spite. Take that, you leafy, green superfood.
Why do vegans eat fake meat? The whole point is that you DON’T eat meat!
Because I like to have my bacon and be friends with pigs too.
Isn’t it unnatural?
Netflix doesn’t occur in nature either, but here we all are binging She-Ra.
I read a story about vegan parents that starved their child.
Despite a range of upsides to going vegan, it’s still not an inoculation for the stupids.
What about vegans threatening someone violently because that person made a joke about veganism?
Well, I haven’t taken to you with a potato peeler so… It’s almost like a small and thoroughly dumbarse minority are not indicative of how the group as a whole reacts to things. Also those ‘vegans’ are gross and I’m just as angry at them as you are.
Why do you care more about animals than people?
Veganism is about compassion for all. Many of us think that by fixing a broken food system, we can help humans as well as animals.
But also, have you met people? They’re the worst.
What if you were on a deserted island and there was nothing to eat but chickens?
You’re describing Jurassic Park. Chickens are just dinosaurs with maybe a few more feathers. Which is why I don’t eat chickens because I grew up with Dinotopia and Land Before Time and if you think I’m going to be eating dinosaurs when I could just as easily be friends with them then…..wait…..where are you going? Get back here and read my Dinotopia fan fic…
You can, of course, ignore my answers and ask your vegan loved one any question you like. They could give you a different answer than I have. The real trick to getting along with vegans at Christmas is not to be a jerk to them and then they’ll likely not be a jerk back at you. Unless they’re one of those jerks who think the latest She-Ra ruined the original series. You don’t have to talk to them then. They’re wrong.