Bleats

Anyone Else Have A Raging Hard-On For Danny DeVito Or?

Can't relate. It's Matilda's dad who does it for me. Every time.

Ah Reddit, you’ve done it again. You’ve somehow managed to take your ongoing obsession with boners, Danny DeVito, a dash of his most memorable TV and film roles like IASIP and Matilda, and turned it into some pure gold.

Some person kicked started this hilarious saga over at AskReddit by innocently asking: “Which celebrity gives you the quickest boner once you look at them?

Now a Reddit thread such as this would normally garner countless replies of “Emma Watson”, “Jennifer Lawrence” and *insert Hollywood actress, pop star or model*. One person decided to buck the usual trend by putting down Danny DeVito as the one who gives them the quickest hard-on and next thing you know, almost everyone else started naming Danny as their ultimate celebrity sploosh.

Look, I totally get it. I mean, have you looked at him and seen his work?

Danny DeVito is a god around these parts and the GOAT team can’t honestly think of anyone else on this green(ish) earth who could give us a faster boner than the man who gave us Frank Reynolds from IASIP, the short guy from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s twin.

Since this is Reddit we’re talking about here, there were some absolutely brilliant gems from some seriously thirsty folk who just wanted to show how much they (and their boners) loved Danny.

Here are just some of the highlights:

“Double D’s always get me going. Danny Devito that is.”

“Mila Kunis… Is second on my list, just behind Danny DeVito.”

“Michael Keaton’s nemesis. I don’t know his name, but holy shit, he played an evil cold-weather bird and it just made me hot.”

“Emma Watson. Especially when she puts on a lot of weight, puts on glasses, becomes half bald, and turns into a boy. That description sounds an awful lot like Danny DeVito.”

“Maaaaan you all are wrong, it’s the art critic Ongo Gablosian.”

“Gal Godot but only if I squint my eyes because then she looks like Danny Devito.”

“The nice lad who offered me an egg in this trying time.”

As fun as this whole thing was, I for one am disgusted by the lack of respect shown in that Reddit thread and all those people naming Danny DeVito should be ashamed of themselves.

The man’s name is Daniel Michael DeVito Jr. so have some goddamn respect.

WWII Is, Like, Way Too Triggering To Learn About, According To This Influencer

And that is how you end up as an influencer, kids.

There are important reasons why we need to learn history in school, chief among them is to educate future generations about the significance of important moments and learning from past mistakes so we’re not doomed to repeat them. But if you’re 22-year-old Instagram influencer Freddie Bentley, then you’re in the camp of “let’s stop teaching kids about WWII because it’s, like, way too intense”.

This whole saga began when Freddie decided to appear on Good Morning Britain to debate the topic “do millennials need to know about WWII” with former British chief inspectorate of schools, Michael Wilshaw, following a bunch of Apprentice contestants admitting they didn’t know when the war began.

While the Instagram influencer says he understands the importance of WWII. he also says he wished he learned less because it was *checks notes* so “intense” and not as educational as “other problems going on in the world at the moment” that aren’t taught in school, like Brexit and climate change.

Freddie was met with a staunch rebuttal from Wilshaw, who said that it is important for students to remember the war, the people who sacrificed themselves and the mistakes that were made. Trying to explain his reasoning further, Freddie says teaching WWII to kids will have a toll on their mental health:

“Mentally, in their mental health, to be told that this certain amount of people died for you.

“Mental health is completely on the rise now. I don’t think encouraging death and telling people how many people died in a world war is going to help someone in the future.”

Great point, Freddie. We should definitely stop learning about WWII, a historical event in which a charismatic yet stupid fascist rose to power in a democratic society and enacted horrendously racist policies that led to the death of countless people.

Yeah, that doesn’t sound familiar at all, especially with what’s happening today around the world.

To be fair, ol’ mate has a fair point about schools needing to focus more on topics that affect people today, such as climate change, Brexit and taxes, as those are incredibly important. But to teach those lessons at the expense of learning one of the most important events in history?

Nah mate. If you think learning about WWII is so intense that it’ll be detrimental to the mental health of kids, wait until they start learning about biology, physics, chemistry, mathematics and geography. Oh and let’s not forget about sports.

When you’ve dug yourself a hole with no dignified way of digging yourself out, the only option is to double down hard and boy did Freddie Bentley go all in on his position.

In the wake of widespread criticism of his comments, ol’ mate shared a post in Instagram where he stood behind his opinion before sheepishly backtracking a bit, writing that WWII “needs to be taught in moderation to promote mental health and focus on teaching young people real life skills.”

Look, credit to Freddie Bentley for having the balls to go on television and putting up a staunch defence for an indefensible viewpoint because there’s no possible way to come out of that looking good.

His ideas on education reform will likely fall through because they’re, well, dumb but his appearance on Good Morning Britain did prove one thing: stay in school and learn as much as you can, kids, or you’ll end up being an under-educated influencer whose lack of intelligence gets brutally exposed to millions on TV.

Baby Spice Confirms She's The Most Relatable Spice Girl By Sexting Her Mum

Turns out she isn't the innocent one after all.

Emma Bunton may be considered the sweet one in the Spice Girls, but it turns out Baby Spice isn’t as innocent as she seems after a little sexting mishap with her partner of over two decades, Jade Jones.

Chatting to Paul O’Grady on his new show (via The Mirror), Emma says she stills sends sexy texts to Jade every so often to keep things spicy (heh) but things went slightly awry when she ended up accidentally sexting her mum instead.

Needless to say that Baby Spice was just a wee bit mortified that she ended up sending a naughty lil sumthin’ sumthin’ to the wrong person. But hey, at least it was only her mum and not a stranger.

“I was away from my other half for a few days. But we are very much in love and I love sleeping next to him.

“We are together all the time. So I decided that I would send a mucky text. A cheeky text. A sext.

“I did a little selfie with the boobies. I did have a bra on. But I did a sleazy kind of little selfie and a ‘Miss you’ and ‘Wish you…’ – and sent it to my mother.”

But kudos to Emma’s mum for having a “great sense of humour” as she took the wayward sext in good stride, even if it left Baby Spice “mortified”.

Look it could’ve been worse.

Wayward sexting moments are the stuff of nightmares but hats off to Emma Bunton for owning it like a champ. If anything, it’s actually pretty damn cool that she and Jade are still so in love with each other after all this time together.

If there’s something to be gleaned from this odd yet weirdly sweet sexting story is that Baby Spice is not only the innocent one of the Spice Girls, she’s definitely the most relatable because who among us haven’t accidentally sent a nude pic that was meant for a partner to a parent?

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