Bleats

Watch This Footage Of Cardi B Shutting Down Her Ex's Grand Gesture During Her Set, And Try Not To Die Of Secondhand Embarrassment

Offset is probably now... upset.

Grand gestures are the kind of thing that really only work in movies. Public proposals are the worst, even when the answer is yes – the pressure is too much to deal with even as a bystander. Public begging for forgiveness after a breakup is on another level, though, and this one might be the most awkward of all time.

Cardi B and rapper Offset, AKA one third of Migos, split recently, after a bit over a year of marriage and the birth of their daughter Kulture in July. There had been cheating rumours aplenty throughout their relationship, which she seemed to make sly commentary on.

She made it clear she was done in an Instagram video a few weeks ago, saying “We got a lot of love for each other but things just haven’t been working out between us for a long time”.

He made it clear he wasn’t done in a series of tweets and Instas where he pulled lines like “I want to apologise to you, Cardi. I know I embarrassed you… I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Then shit got very real at Rolling Loud festival in LA over the weekend. First Offset crashed 21 Savage’s set, where they got the crowd to chant “Take Offset back!”

Then, during Cardi’s set, oh god, this cringefest happened.

CRASHING HER SET. WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS “TAKE ME BACK CARDI”. AND FUNERAL FLOWERS.

I can’t watch it again.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing – the flowers that look like they’re either side of the casket at a rich old lady’s funeral, or the grace with which she holds her mic away and tells him EXTREMELY FIRMLY to extremely get the f**k off her stage.

Photo by Scott Dudelson

Which he does, with all the dignity of a puppy you’ve just yelled at for eating a pair of twice-worn Jordans.

It’s the most disrespectful, misguided “grand gesture” in living memory. She’s at WORK, dude.

Her face says it all, and her dancers’ faces underline it and put it in all-caps.

It’s like that episode of Friends where Ross sends a million flowers and creepy I WUV WOO teddy bears to Rachel’s office because he’s a jealous sociopath.

I hope Cardi lets him move back in purely so she can blast all his possessions out the window item by item with a T-shirt cannon until they spell BYEEEEEEEEE on the front lawn.

Pete Davidson Understands Blocking Your Ex Is The Ultimate In Post-Breakup Self-Care, And You Should Too

I'm so freakin' grateful for my Block button.

The sad saga of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande, the couple who briefly gave us all hope and then gave us only disappointment and bangers, drags on, with the news that he’s blocked her for the sake of his health.

Davidson shared a note on his Instagram earlier this week, talking about how he’s been bullied and trolled online this year, and the resilience he’s needed to push through the resulting hits to his already-difficult mental health.

Pete’s note.

His relationship with one of the most famous women in the world raised his profile, and the sad death of her most recent ex, Mac Miller, at the peak of the world’s fascination with their engagement fired up the trolls who blamed both him and her for Miller’s overdose.

And with her latest #1 single ‘thank u, next‘, not only mentioning him by name, but also featuring him in the blockbuster clip‘s Mean Girls homage and confirming it was she who broke off their engagement, it’s no wonder he’s had to smash that block button.

She asked fans to be kind online, insisting in an Instagram story that she “will always have irrevocable love for him and if you’ve gotten any other impression from my recent work you may have missed the point”.

But no matter how kind fans are, he clearly doesn’t want to hear from her either, and he definitely doesn’t need to see a zillion headlines about how she covered up her tattoo of his dead 9/11 hero dad’s NYFD badge number with one of the name of Miller’s dog.

But your relationship doesn’t have to have been the pop culture obsession of half the world for your ex to haunt your online life.

It takes a while for your various social media algorithms to figure out that they aren’t one of the most important people in your life any more – even longer if you’re lurking on them 24/7, trying to figure out if they’re having a better time than you or moving on.

You can be ambushed at any time, by pictures of them doing something you used to do together, maybe even with someone new; by a nice selfie where they look happy; by their Insta story when you’re on infinite watch mode, or those diabolical Facebook Memories.

Facebook does have features now where you can “take a break” from someone without unfriending them, restrict what they see, and make various other tweaks to how they orbit in and out of your feed.

And if a straight-up, cold-blooded post-split Unfriend is something that feels right, go for it – especially if you enjoy the thought of however they’ll react when they twig.

But a block is easy, and feels a bit less permanent and intrusive. You never need to overthink a good old-fashioned blocking, and you never need to feel guilty about it.

Even if you’re on good terms, even if you’re not those exes who can’t be in the same room and require WWII-level strategy to both attend a mutual friend’s birthday drinks, do anything you can do minimise accidental exposure to their post-you lives and activities, at least for a while.

After all, there’s a whole internet out there where your ex isn’t the biggest story of any given day. If Pete can get through, so can you.

The Good Place's Jameela Jamil Is Fighting Instagram Influencers' Skinny-Tea BS With Poop Jokes

"It burns."

On The Good Place, Jameela Jamil plays “a hot, rich fraud with legs for days” and more famous “friends” than Anna Wintour.

In real life, Jamil is a former TV presenter, in recovery from an eating disorder, and currently the world’s premier ranter about unhealthy body image and the celebrities who fuel it.

She went viral with an on-point rant about the Kardashian-Jenners and their paid fondness for appetite-suppressing lollipops earlier this year, and again this week for railing against the “flat tummy” teas and shakes constantly being flogged on Instagram by famous women.

Specifically, she said she hopes those women “shit their pants in public”.

And now she’s recorded her own #ad for a deliciously “chunky” diet drink with one major side effect:

The incredibly graphic diarrhoea noises really make it.

The poop jokes really are the best way to get her point across – not only is she basically correct that that’s how these products “de-bloat”, but it really helps to de-glamourise the neat advertorials that clog up your feed.

She’s backing it all up with her “I WEIGH” campaign on Instagram, which encourages women to value themselves for anything but the numbers on the scale.

I am very tired of irresponsible diet product marketing, but I will never get tired of watching our favourite “hot, mean giraffe” talk about poo.

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