Bleats

The UK Has Now Deemed Milkshakes An Offensive Weapon

Yes, milkshakes - or, as we shall now call them, "the eggs of the North"

Like eggs in Australia, the humble milkshake has become the weapon of choice by British protestors unimpressed with the views of politicians with whom they disagree.

And thus, bizarrely, UK police have had the unenviable job of telling local fast food vendors located near planned far-right protests that they should not vend milkshakes or icecream, lest it be used in an offensive rather than refreshing capacity.

Enter Burger King – the vast multinational fast food chain turned unexpected anti-fascist underdog by defying this edict ahead of a pro-Brexit rally in Edinburgh by Nigel Farage, former leader of UK Independence Party.

Needless to say, this in itself caused a mini-uproar on Twitter where they were accused of encouraging political violence, holding political opinions they had no right to hold as a business, and all the other usual

Was this a brave stand on European unity? A cynical bit of confectionary-based culture-war profiteering? A firm commitment to their lactose-enhanced bottom line? It’s hard to know.

Whether or not all the boys were or were not subsequently brought to the yard could not be confirmed by press time.

Those Vegan Protests Worked So Well People Are Vowing To Eat More Meat

Mind you, we're all still talking about veganism, so…

On Monday vegan activists blockaded a major thoroughfare in Melbourne as well as several other sites, including Melbourne Aquarium and an abattoir in Queensland, as well as a march in Sydney to protest against carnivorous behaviour.

And oh, the outpouring of anger at these people! So thoughtless! Such zealots! What were they hoping to achieve!

Well, we can answer the last bit, at least: given that the point of the protests was to get people talking about veganism, the protests absolutely worked.

Yes, the conversations are largely about how inconvenient the protests were (which is 100 per cent the point of protesting: a protest that no-one notices is of dubious utility) and about how it’s making people eat more meat just to totally stick it to them dumb vegos and their anti-meat agenda.

That said: the conversations are still going.

And when was the last time you heard people talking about veganism at all in the mainstream media? If this was the aim of the protests then… well, they pretty much nailed it.

In fact, it’s a victory all round. Vegans got a higher profile for their cause, vegan-haters get to feel smug about how badly their foes were self-owned, talkback hosts get to tsk tsk about how they were delayed in getting to work, and a group of protestors got three adorable lambs out of the deal!

In other words, everybody has won! Thanks, civil disobedience!

The Most Sober, Accurate And Sweary Assessment Of Brexit Was Just Accidentally Captured By A Hot Mic

You need to respect someone who tells it like it is.

As you’re probably aware, the UK has a month before it is no longer a member of the European Union and at this point absolutely no deal has been hashed out. If there’s a thing which is somehow affected by movement within, trade with or communication via Europe – which in this global economy is pretty much everything – then the answer to the question “what happens after March 29?” is currently a terrified stare.

Will food and medicine rot on dockyards while customs checks cripple movement? What happens at the Irish border? No-one knows!

As a result companies are already pulling out of the UK, or collapsing inside it, and even the richest and most pro-Brexit man in the country has decided to up stumps for tax reasons, and the economy has already taken a £40 billion annual hit despite nothing having technically changed as yet.

Meanwhile the government has been assiduously preventing itself from agreeing on any possible deal that might provide certainty or even basically survival. And thus most hopes were pinned, unreasonably as it turns out, on the opposition Labour Party.

And just before anyone got their hopes up the party split – well, more accurately, seven MPs have quit to sit as independents on the grounds that Labour is still pro-Brexit and supposedly anti-semitic (which seems to mean “supports Palestine” in this context), meaning that the alternative government is just as divided and distracted by their own internal discord.

And thus we salute the BBC tech who accurately muttered his assessment in range of a mic which was inconveniently on.

“I’m not gonna lie, but with this and Brexit we’re actually f*cked,” this unnamed sage intoned. “It’s going to be really divided.”

Someone give this man a news programme, or at the very least a job doing muttered commentary over all news stories forever.

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