Bleats

The Most Sober, Accurate And Sweary Assessment Of Brexit Was Just Accidentally Captured By A Hot Mic

You need to respect someone who tells it like it is.

As you’re probably aware, the UK has a month before it is no longer a member of the European Union and at this point absolutely no deal has been hashed out. If there’s a thing which is somehow affected by movement within, trade with or communication via Europe – which in this global economy is pretty much everything – then the answer to the question “what happens after March 29?” is currently a terrified stare.

Will food and medicine rot on dockyards while customs checks cripple movement? What happens at the Irish border? No-one knows!

As a result companies are already pulling out of the UK, or collapsing inside it, and even the richest and most pro-Brexit man in the country has decided to up stumps for tax reasons, and the economy has already taken a £40 billion annual hit despite nothing having technically changed as yet.

Meanwhile the government has been assiduously preventing itself from agreeing on any possible deal that might provide certainty or even basically survival. And thus most hopes were pinned, unreasonably as it turns out, on the opposition Labour Party.

And just before anyone got their hopes up the party split – well, more accurately, seven MPs have quit to sit as independents on the grounds that Labour is still pro-Brexit and supposedly anti-semitic (which seems to mean “supports Palestine” in this context), meaning that the alternative government is just as divided and distracted by their own internal discord.

And thus we salute the BBC tech who accurately muttered his assessment in range of a mic which was inconveniently on.

“I’m not gonna lie, but with this and Brexit we’re actually f*cked,” this unnamed sage intoned. “It’s going to be really divided.”

Someone give this man a news programme, or at the very least a job doing muttered commentary over all news stories forever.

A British Politician Has Given The Best Possible Speech About Rich, Arrogant Jerks In Power

"Wouldn't trust to hold my pint" is the new Pub Test.

In these media managed days of political spin and talking points and staying on message it’s always noteworthy when someone looks in their damn-bag and realises that no, they have none to give.

And thus: take a bow Jess Phillips, Labour MP for Birmingham Yardley, for giving a speech which immediately went viral for being hilarious and passionate.

Which shouldn’t be that high a bar to clear, you’d think, but that’s how politics works.

And first up: like all great comedy it’s making a solid point – that the value of someone’s contribution and intellect isn’t a factor of how much they earn, no matter how much wealthy people like to think it means they’re smarter and better than those plebs whining about being robbed of their penalty rates.

This was in response to a motion to classify all people earning under £30,000 as “unskilled”, which would take in (among others) teachers, nurses and many of the skilled trades. So a bit goddamn judgey, in other words.

But the killer is clearly “I have definitely met some very rich people who earn huge amounts of money and who I would not trust to hold my pint if I had to go and vote while in the bar.”

That said, “I thought I’d met posh people before I came [to parliament], but turns out I just met people who eat olives” is also a t-shirt worthy quip.

And thus, friends, the pub test is dead. Now it’s “would I trust X to hold my pint?” And hoo boy, that’s a bar a lot of today’s pollies wouldn’t clear. Heck, by the looks of a lot of them, they’ve been snaking drinks for most of their career.

In any case, can we start a crowdfund to bring Phillips down here, and install her as PM? She seems to know a thing or two.

Brexit Is A Garbage Fire And Theresa May Is The Only Person Not Actively Throwing More Garbage On It

As always, a woman is left to clean up the mess.

Let’s say that you lived in a share house where you were in a dispute with the landlord over the lease.

You tell your housemates the deal on offer and they refuse to even consider it, angrily insisting that you go back and get an unrealistically better agreement while also being very vague about what such a deal would actually entail. And your landlord is rapidly losing patience and wondering why your household dispute is now their problem as the deadline appears.

That’s roughly the position in which UK Prime Minister is as she attempts to carry out the plan to leave the European Union.

Pictured: a metaphor.

The deadline for Brexit is ten weeks away, there’s no deal on the table, the European Union have been clear about what the options are and don’t know why the UK are still dithering, and May’s own party have been continually rejecting her proposed deals while not doing anything helpful like, say, proposing halfway plausible alternatives.

Regardless of what one thinks of Brexit as an idea or May as a leader – for the record, I’m not a supporter of either – the fact remains that she’s actually attempting to do her job.

David Cameron, the last person in her position, chickened the hell out when he realised what a challenge it was going to be. The most high profile men in May’s party – Jacob Rees-Mogg, Boris Johnson and their odious colleagues – aren’t even trying to do their jobs. May’s legitimately attempting to tidy up the mess left for her, and no-one’s even offering to help fill a bucket.

Neither is the opposition Labour Party being especially helpful – they’re not even particularly pro-Remain, but leader Jeremy Corbyn is still yet to give any indication of what sort of Brexit deal would get their support, even as they reject May’s proposals.

I SAID GOOD DAY.

There are many sticking points but one really big one is that no-one wants a hard border in Ireland between the independent nation of the Republic (which is part of the EU) and Northern Ireland, which is part of the UK.

However, leaving it open for travel and trade within Ireland either requires a border technological fixes which don’t yet exist or the UK remaining bound by EU trade and migration laws, which sort of defeats the point of having a Brexit in the first place.

It would also require the UK to negotiate a trade deal for the Republic of Ireland-slash-EU, presumably through the World Trade Organisation, and that would take months-to-years rather than the weeks that last between now and the Brexit deadline. Who’s up for installing a Berlin Wall in every Irish border town? Anyone?

Look, before we rule that out, the Berlin Wall gave us some good stuff…

So what are the options for Brexit? Look, they’re not great.

1. Accept the current deal that May has hashed out with the EU. You know, the one which the UK parliament overwhelmingly voted against? That one. Yeah, not a superstrong hope there.

It’s still possible that the parliament might accept it’s the best option they’re going to get, although it’s hard to imagine anyone being happy with it.

2. Negotiate with the EU for a Brexit extension. That’s assuming that there’s enough goodwill for such a move, which is an open question.

3. Have no deal in place when the deadline hits and simply let chaos reign. That’s the default position if nothing else is done and therefore seems the most likely outcome. What will happen to trade and borders and people’s travel documents and phone roaming and a billion other things? No-one really knows!

4. Cancel it altogether. The European Court has ruled that the British parliament has the power to unilaterally call the whole thing off and leave things as is if they want since the referendum was advisory, not binding – but doing so would be political suicide since it would mean a parliament ignored the Will Of The People.

5. Reintroduce Roman rule. It’s a long shot, but maybe doing a hard reset to the England of around 100 AD would give everyone a chance to start fresh. At least, until King Arthur finally returns.

Caesar will sort it all out, surely. Now, to the vomitarium!

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