Bleats

Today I Learned About Revenge Body And I'm Going To Enjoy My Flabby Bod, Thank You Very Much

Definitely not worth the effort or level of spite involved.

The main reason I started GOAT’s “Today I Learned” series is so I can proactively learn about things that I otherwise wouldn’t have known about.

It’s been quite the interesting ride so far but my latest learning has been the most polarising one yet.

Today I learned all about what a “revenge body” is.

Turns out it’s not getting shredded as revenge on your flabby body.

When I first heard the term “revenge body”, I was initially assumed it is something about getting into shape after a break up or something in sort of self improving, “take revenge on the negative cycle that my life has spiraled into” kind of way.

Boy was I surprised to find out what a revenge body actually is.

For those who are unaware, a “revenge body” is getting an improved physique so that you’re closer to Western beauty ideals as a mythical way to feel better about a break up and to show an ex how much better you’re doing without them.

A typical scenario revolves around one person getting super shredded in order to make an ex-lover (who ended the relationship) want them back. But when the ex comes crawling back, the newly-yoked person rejects them using their ripped bod as a weapon of revenge.

The whole idea of “revenge body” is purely about taking control of one’s body, gaining power from it and using it to hurt people. It’s seriously f**ked up.

Break ups are always tough and there’s something to be said for a bit of self reflection after it happens.

But there’s a huge difference between getting fit as a way of making yourself happier and better, and using the toxic motivation of “YOU COULD BE HAVING SEX WITH THESE ABS, EMMA, HOPE YOU’RE SATISFIED!” to get shredded.

The worst part about a “revenge body” is that it does the opposite of providing the help and self-improvement someone might need after a break up. There’s nothing healthy about changing your lifestyle completely just so you can spite someone who has made it clear that the relationship is over.

Revenge body in a nutshell.

So screw this “revenge body” nonsense, I’m perfectly happy with my slightly flabby body. It’s a terrible concept that adds more fuel to the problematic body shaming fire that continues to run rampant in society. If there’s any revenging to be done, it’s on the whole culture itself.

Of The Many James Bonds We've Seen, Which Ones Would Likely Have An STI?

Better start mixing some antibiotics into those vodka martinis.

James Bond has been going around ordering vodka martinis, murdering baddies, and sleeping with beautiful women for over five decades and soon-to-be 25 films now.

It’s a pretty full on lifestyle to embrace and the effects of it all is bound to catch up to 007 at some point, particularly with the excessive amount of sexy forking he’s done over the years.

Since we’re all about important investigations here, we decided to look into the question of how likely Bond will have an STI given the amount of bedroom action that’s gone on.

Did he or didn’t he use a condom after this?

For the purposes of this investigation we’ve decided dive separately into each official Bond actor and gauge the likelihood of STIs for each incarnation of the character, used data from the UK since he’s British, and assumed that he didn’t use a condom since he’s definitely the type of irresponsible jerkass who wouldn’t bother with one and we definitely didn’t see Q give him in any of his gadget briefings.

Sean Connery

Over the course of six films, Connery’s Bond has had sex with a total of 15 women. Taking into account that the average number of female sexual partners for UK man in a lifetime is between three to nine, this means the Scottish 007 is batting well above average and is likely to to be riddled with chlamydia.

Chances of an STI – Very high.

Yes, you should definitely be worried.

George Lazenby

Aussie Bond was only around for one film but he got his rocks off quite a bit as he hooked up with three women over the course of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

That puts him on par with the average UK man in terms of sexual partners. While the risk of an STI is decent, he does fall in love with Tracy and the couple end up marrying (albeit very briefly).

Assuming that Bond actually bothered to get himself checked before tying the knot with arguably the only woman he loved, then he’s surprisingly in the clear here relatively speaking.

Chance of an STI: Low.

*Shudders*

Roger Moore

Hoo boy, this one is a doozy.

Moore Bond slept with a whopping 19 women over the course of seven films and several countries, making this 007 the sluttiest and grossest incarnation of the character in MI6 history.

No need to dig too deep into this one, he’s definitely a walking health hazard.

Chance of an STI: Absolutely riddled with STIs.

Nothing to smile about, champ.

Timothy Dalton

Dalton Bond was in just two films so he “only” got to sleep with four women, putting him in “average” territory here. But unlike Lazenby Bond, it’s unlikely Dalton Bond could be bothered to get himself checked or pick up a bunch of condoms so he’s playing with fire here.

Chance of an STI: Around average but definitely not inconsiderable.

Hey, it’s your own stupid fault for being irresponsible and not having safe sex.

Pierce Brosnan

Brosnan Bond had four films to himself and managed to sleep with 10 women in that time, putting him above average in terms of female partners.

It’s not on the level of Connery or Moore Bond but he’s wading into dangerous territory here. He also dropped the lamest pun ever uttered onscreen – “I thought Christmas only comes once a year” – which is just a rotten cherry on top of an STI-riddled cake.

Chances of an STI: High.

Worst. Bond. Pun. Ever.

Daniel Craig

Over the course of four films (so far), Craig Bond has managed to seduce six women into bed or the shower with him. Okay, seduce is probably too nice of a word given how gross his encounters with Sévérine and Lucia Sciarra were but that’s another story for another day.

We don’t know how much sexing he’ll get up to in Bond 25 just yet, but we’re hoping it’s a big fat zero because his current bedroom tally of six women without a condom just irresponsible. Hopefully he used some of his retirement time between Spectre and Bond 25 to see a doctor.

Chances of an STI: Pretty high.

It had better be a condom and some antibiotics.

Charlie Sheen Is An Awful Human Being But He's Done More For HIV Education Than The UN

Albeit, unintentionally.

Let’s get one thing out of the way first: Charlie Sheen is a pretty shoddy human being.

His infamous, headline-grabbing personal and professional dalliances could fill a novel, he accidentally shot a former fiance and allegedly assaulted another. Oh and he’s an anti-vaxxer so he’s got that going for him too.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move onto the one actual good thing he’s done: doing more for HIV education than what most UN events do, albeit unintentionally.

I know, doing good things and Charlie Sheen are like water and oil: they don’t mix.

Sheen publicly announced that he was HIV positive in 2015 and had kept it secret since being diagnosed with the virus in 2011. This didn’t surprise anyone at the time given all his aforementioned personal dalliances. What did surprise everyone was the way he revealed it.

Most probably expected he would enter into a room of assembled media while borne aloft on a bed of swan feathers by a couple of greased up eunuchs as Guns n’ Roses played in the background.

Instead, what we got was a surprisingly responsible announcement where he brought his doctor with him on the air and explained in easy-to-understand language the complexity of HIV and how the virus can be made undetectable.

That’s…actually pretty cool of him.

Sheen’s HIV reveal also had the unintended side effect of raising awareness about the virus. According to a study in JAMA Internal Medicine, Sheen’s announcement corresponded with the “greatest number of HIV-related Google searches ever recorded in the United States.”

It turns out the people weren’t just looking for celebrity gossip about the weird dude who likes tiger blood. They also wanted to know about HIV, how to protect themselves from it and how to get tested.

The spike in searches and stories hours after Sheen’s big announcement was pure pandemonium. HIV symptom searches were 540% higher than normal, HIV testing searches jumped 214%, condom searches rose by 72% and the number of news stories about HIV had a 265% boost.

Researchers named this phenomenon “The Charlie Sheen Effect”, calling it the “most significant domestic HIV prevention event in the last decade”, so much so that it’s impact has eclipsed most things and events the UN has done for HIV education.

Make no mistake that this doesn’t make Sheen less of an awful person, but it does show how a celebrity can use their fame to educate people about important causes..

Perhaps Sheen’s responsible public announcement of his HIV diagnosis should be the model for what famous people suffering from illnesses should do.

Audiences care about celebrities so why not leverage that amount of pull to get more valuable learnings out in the open rather than keep everything under wraps.

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