Bleats

Peeing Is Going To Be Robert Pattinson’s Biggest Challenge As Batman

Just a wee issue.

Christian Bale was full of wisdom for his successor, but perhaps his most sage advice for the new Batman was to get used to holding it. Because “you don’t feel much like a superhero when you aren’t able to piss by yourself.” And Robert Pattinson isn’t the only one with costume-related bathroom troubles. It seems to be a universal design flaw for heroes of every franchise.

Apparently, the Batsuit has caused Bale so many issues that he cannot stress enough how important it is to take your toilet break before suiting up. When Ben Affleck took over as Gotham City’s defender, Christian Bale gave him the exact same advice then, calling it “humiliating” to have five people unstuffing your buttcheeks so you can take a leak.

Can you imagine Robert Pattinson’s Batman sticking his hand in the air like a kindergartener in the middle of filming ’cause he has to go potty? No, I don’t want to think about it either.

It’s a common complaint for actors playing heroes and villains alike – why, oh why, is there so much skin-tight latex?! Tom Holland only got a zipper in his Spiderman costume 5 movies into the role, providing some much needed relief to his issues, uh, relieving. Shame that he won’t be able to make the most of it. And he’s not the only one with a Spidey suit grievance – allegedly, his predecessor Tobey Maguire had to ask for a ‘vent’.

Evidence suggests that it’s the one question that every entertainment journo feels the need to ask. Combine that natural curiosity with an actor’s embarrassment and frustration, and you end up with Zachary Levi on the record graphically describing Shazam’s expulsion process. Even Michelle Pfieffer has vented about the Wasp’s outfit, and frankly, it’s ridiculous that costume designers haven’t come up with an decent solution by now.

Let’s hope, for Robert Pattinson’s sake, that Batman brings long johns and bum flaps back into style.

Disney+ Could Signal The End Of Adults-Only Superheroes

Not safe for streaming.

Amidst the chaos of the D23 expo, only one man was brave enough to ask the tough questions – Eric Vespe, who tweeted out his startling findings at a Disney+ demo. The big revelation? All of the new streaming platform’s content will be kid-friendly.

It makes sense for the classic Disney image, all family fun and fairytales. But since Disney have acquired, well, pretty much everything, things get are bound to get a little more complicated.

So we know what we’re going to get on Disney+, so what are we going to miss out on, thanks to the platform’s censorship of adult themes? Well, a lot of the older movies released under Touchstone Pictures will be excluded, like Down and Out in Beverly Hills and Pretty Woman, animated shows like Family Guy or American Dad are out, and there are plenty of Marvel movies you’re not going to get either. That includes the Blade trilogy, Deadpool franchise, and Logan.

A more innocent time.

Here’s the ultimate punch in the gut: at least Americans have the alternative of enjoying all the blood and boobs on Hulu, but that’s not an option here in Aus. Honestly we should be used to disappointment by now, it’s not like this is the first time that we’ve missed out when it comes to entertainment.

There’s another reason why Marvel stans and movie geeks are a little worried by this news. If streaming is the future of TV and cinema, and Disney are really investing in Disney+, then what’s their incentive to write new stories with adult themes?

It probably means you’re less likely to see heroes like Deadpool on your screens, and the future of TV series is even more grim. If you had dreams of a gritty, Jessica Jones-esque plotline for The Falcon And The Winter Soldier, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

And there’s certainly a precedent for franchises being shelved due to conflicting interests, so it’ll be interesting to see if the other streaming services use the content sanitisation on Disney+ as a point of competition.

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Marvel Shut Down A Comic Artist's Trump Joke For Being Too Edgy

The forward that's been withdrawn.

To celebrate the franchise’s 80th birthday, Marvel are releasing a history of the golden age of comics alongside some classic reproductions. However, there’s been a slight hitch – the writer of the book’s introduction has upset the Marvel chair’s Trump-loving sensibilities by correlating Nazi-brand fascism with the US president’s rhetoric.

Plenty of people would rather their entertainment be apolitical, and sanitised enough for everyone to enjoy it. Take Thanos for example – the villain of the MCU’s Infinity Saga is a big purple giant with a magic glove, so it’s pretty hard to find any real world parallels. Mind you, he apparently does have some allies IRL..?

But Art Spiegelman doesn’t stand for that nonsense. His father, Vladek, was a survivor of the Holocaust, and the inspiration for his prize-winning 80s serial MAUS. I’d say he’s pretty qualified to speak on the themes of the early Marvel comics, which were basically all about America fighting Nazi Germany, even when that was a controversial concept.

There were no subtleties in Captain America‘s original narrative – Hitler was one of his first enemies, and he’s been up against HYDRA (who are basically a rebranded Nazi organisation) ever since. And as Spiegelman points out in his essay, which has since been published in the Guardian, many of the pioneers of the form were Jews and other ethnic minorities, whose real world experiences contributed to the works thematically.

Image: Marvel Comics

However, out of all the discussion of fascist imagery and the immigrants who brought Marvel into existence, there was one line that the publishers just couldn’t abide by:

“In today’s all too real world, Captain America’s most nefarious villain, the Red Skull, is alive on screen and an Orange Skull haunts America.”

The resemblance is uncanny.

Even without mentioning Trump by name, it was enough for the Marvel compilation’s publishers to request an edit, leaving Spiegelman to withdraw the introduction rather than be censored.

Seeing as how Ike Perlmutter, the chair of Marvel Entertainment and once CEO, has links to the Trump administration as a donor and advisor at Mar-A-Lago, it’s no wonder that they don’t want to rock the boat too much. Guess we’ll just have to be satisfied with slightly more abstract social commentary in our comics and movies from now on.

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