Bleats

People Who Scab Your Bin On Garbage Day Belong In The Dump

This truly is a load of hot garbage.

Friends, we need to have a chat about how society works.

Humans are a naturally sociable species and our ability to community and cooperate is our superpower. It is why we have become the dominant species on the planet and allowed us to land on the Moon and explore the depths of the genome.

And yet, at every turn, we live on the edge of chaos. And there is no greater indication of the fragility of the thread from which our entire system dangles than bin night, and the monsters who wait for you to put yours out and then stuff all their crap into it.

Not this kind of bin monster.

What’s worse is when your bin then gets left by the council for being overfull, meaning that a) you get to rifle through garbage to find ways to get your bin lid shut, and b) you get to wait another week with a full, weeping garbage bin while your disgusting new waste accumulates.

And this is only going to become more acute as more Australian councils opt for fortnightly pick ups as a cost saving measure.

It’s easy to imagine a future where you’ll not only be forcing two weeks of refuse into your wheelie bin but potentially getting to live for a month with the wafting scent of an overfilled junk-trolley that the council refused to pick up thanks to some jerk ramming their excess offal into your waste-tub.

You, all the time forever.

And humankind will be forced to roam the increasingly-reeking streets, dripping garbage bags in hand, looking for unguarded bins on main road and in quiet cul-de-sacs, each of us hoping against hope to find a half-empty receptacle to deposit our disgusting capitalism-shards within.

And then the flies will take over, and chaos will reign.

So, you know. Keep away from my bin or destroy humanity, is what I’m saying.

The World Is Facing A Craig Shortage And You Should Cherish The Craigs You Still Have

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for Craig.

Say, how many Craigs have you got in your life?

If your answer is “not as many as I once did” then congratulations, you have identified the Craig shortage which is currently gripping the English speaking world.

The Guardian have noted that the name is in danger of disappearing altogether in the UK, but here in Australia it’s already possibly extinct in the wild.

Despite being one of the Australianest names imaginable, its apex came in the 1960s. Tragically, Craig dropped out of the top 100 boys names in 1992 and hasn’t reappeared since.

And to think there was a time when our most respected Bo Selectas reported that Craig David was all over our [sproing].

And the Craigpocalypse is sweeping the globe.

According to Babycentre the current Craig-rate is one per 88 per million births, and trended at the 1290th most popular boys name in 2018 (which was still a 201 position jump from 2017). In fact, there’s been a gentle increase since 2015, but a full Craignaissance still appears to be a ways off.

Especially in Australia where the most prominent ones are… shall we say, controversial?

Ah, for those halcyon, unproblematic days…

So if you have access to Craigs, protect and nurture them. They are a dwindling resource which must be preserved. If necessary, by freezing them in carbonite like Han Solo.

So reach out to the Craigs you love, while we still can, lest future generations face a bleak, Craigless existence.

You Were Right: Your Drive Home Really Is Taking Longer Than Ever

Drive it like you parked it.

As you contemplate the bit of your life spent in between home and work during the week, it’s easy to feel like the trip between home and work is getting more and more grinding with every passing day.

And the answer is yes. Yes, you’re correct. It is.

Every. Damn. Day.

The Australian Automobile Association have released a new report (entitled, with impressive clarity, Road Congarestion In Australia – 2019, just in case anyone thought it might be an undiscovered Harry Potter story) and the results are not that everything is getting better.

First up, your morning and evening commute has gotten measurably longer in the big capital cities with speeds dropping 1.5 per cent on average since 2013 (1.8 per cent in Sydney), even with more people living in the city and immediate surrounds.

The weird thing is that Sydney is not the worst for speed. That’s not to say that Sydney is good – oh, it’s not, it’s really really not, with average PM speeds dropping by 7kmph on average – but it’s not the city with the lowest average traffic speed as a result of sitting in traffic.

But the most dancing!

Neither is it Melbourne – who do have the dubious honour of having the worst congestion, taking the title away from Sydney, and adding a 20 per cent time-toll to the high-stress city-to-Tullamarine airport run.

Who’s got the lowest speed? It’s Adelaide. ADELAIDE. Speeds have dropped almost 10 kmph in the after work run. Damn you, Paris of the South, you’re meant to be better than this.

We need to burn South Road down and start again, clearly.

We know a guy…

And sure, there are some major infrastructure things about to come online, most notably the first stage of Sydney’s controversial WestConnex toll road, and a massive injection of funds into improving and expanding public transport would do all of us a world of good, especially in the eastern capitals.

But in the meantime: if you feel the need to pop out early – or wait rush hour out with a cheeky but responsible tipple – who could blame you?

#Trending

Show More Show Less

Follow Us