Bleats

'Untitled Goose Game' Has Definitively Proved Video Games Cause Violence, For Geese

It's basically Taxi Driver, only with De Niro replaced by a goose.

Well, we finally have a definitive answer for the old question “do video games create real life violence?” and it is yes. Provided, that is, that you’re talking about geese because they are bringing unshackled beaky violence to the streets of London even as you read this.

You’re hopefully aware that Untitled Goose Game on the Nintendo Switch has become the cult gaming hit of 2019. And why wouldn’t it, since it offers players the opportunity to live la vida gosling by embracing their inner aggressive feathered jerk?

But is is a mere coincidence that this game should appear and then suddenly there’s a wave of geese carrying out carjackings? No. No, it is not.

OK, by “wave” we mean “one”. And by “carjackings” we mean “UK taxi damage and befoulment”.

Yes, a goose flew into a taxi, smashing the window in the process, and then proceeded to crap all over the interior while puny humans went “how do we coax an angry goose from this vehicle, and also is it better to keep it caged inside the car rather than have it go full-goose upon the broader Radford Road district?”

Basically, it’s the same question humanity had about the Hulk, only more serious because it’s a goose and not a pretendy green monster-man. Geese are all too real, and pure evil – as anyone that has been near a pond while carrying bread can attest.

Trusting them was our first mistake. Giving them a taste for human noses was our last.

The goose was taken to the vet after its rampage but there’s no report yet on whether it’s OK. In fact, things have been suspiciously quiet from the vets ever since the goose was taken there. Almost… almost too quiet. As though the goose has exacted a terrible vengeance on the vet and is OH DEAR GOD THE HONKING IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING!

Anyway: the important lesson here is that the geese has decided to stop mucking around, and also that we need to ban all video games forever. Won’t someone think of the taxis?

Five OS Political Garbage Fires That'll Make You Scoff That Democracy Sausage With Pride

We got it pretty sweet here, really.

You know, it’s easy to get cynical about politics here in Australia – not least when our PM is making deals to help the US president fight his political enemies, or downplay the climate change which is already affecting Australia.

But you know what? We have it incredibly good compared to a lot of countries. For one thing, we get democracy sausages.

GOAT’s editor can back this claim up.

And for another, we’re not these countries:

1. The United States

The unfolding mess in the US is hard to sum up, but in a nutshell: evidence that Donald Trump tied defence aid to Ukraine to them doing him favours in uncovering (seemingly nonexistent) dirt on the son of likely Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden has led to an almost inevitable impeachment by the Congress.

That, as we’ve explained, doesn’t mean that Trump will actually be removed from office (since the Republicans control the senate it’s definitely not going to happen unless the party turns on its president in an implausibly unprecedented way) but the scandal and Trump’s near-hysterical response is helping turn public sentiment against him, and the next US election is in just over a year and the campaigning has already begun.

To be fair, at least his failure to build the wall means he can campaign on it again.

Given that Trump’s always seemed to be immune to serious consequences, and that he’s now gleefully tweeting what looks horribly like incitement to civil war if he’s defeated at the polls, it’s hard to know what would be better: being stuck with him for another four years, or trying to reunite a riven country afterwards.

2. The United Kingdom

Hoo boy. So, as with certain other nations with “United” in the title, prime minister Boris Johnson was elevated to power on the grounds that he promised to do things which no-one else could do, and then proved exactly as unable to do them.

In Johnson’s case it was to get the European Union to make a killer deal with Britain which would make Brexit go smoothly and profitably and not be a complete clusterhump of a nightmare of a dumpster fire.

And while no new deal has emerged, and nor is there any reasonable sign of one appearing in the three weeks before Brexit is meant to occur, Johnson has managed to fracture his government with mass resignations and defections (including that of his own brother), divide his party and utterly fail to bring the EU to the negotiating table.

The man certainly knows his bull.

Oh, and he was found to have acted illegally in suspending parliament, so that’s a thing.

So bad has it gotten that all the other parties and a solid slab of Johnson’s fellow Conservatives in parliament are floating the possibility of forming an alternative government purely in order to postpone Brexit again, which may or may not be an option, in order to hold another election which may or may not also include a second go at that Brexit referendum.

After all, the first time went so well!

3. Hong Kong

Hong Kong used to belong to Britain, but when the UK handed it “back” to China in 1997 it was inevitable that the “one country, two systems” policy under which it operated – an independent judiciary, freedom of speech, religion and movement, non-state capitalism and so on – was going to cause some friction.

The current tensions began over the idea of Hong Kong holding democratic elections, which were a feature outlined in the handover document but have been ignored up until now, and the pro-democracy “umbrella movement” have been active for several years.

Admit it, you thought it too.

However, when Hong Kong’s chief executive announced that the government would start extraditing people to mainland China rather than trying them in HK, that started the city-choking demonstrations which have now been running since July.

Lam has withdrawn the bill, but the protestors’ demands have moved on to investigations into police violence and broader electoral reform – which Beijing seems unlikely to allow. Which might explain the military build up just outside HK’s borders.

4. Indonesia

Jakarta is now in its second week of protests by students who are furious at restrictive proposed changes to the criminal code (including that ban on extramarital sex which has got Bali tourists worried) and attempts to water down the powers of the  Corruption Eradication Commission.

Even their gifs are corrupted!

It’s part of the hardline agenda of the recently re-elected president Joko Widodo, who is currently attempting to placate his own government while claiming that the student protests are motivated by his political rivals.

The problem is that things are escalating, with deaths reported from protests in West Papua and fears that the increasingly heavy handed policing might lead to a repeat of the 1998 riots. not least, in Widodo’s eyes, because that contributed to the removal of President Suharto from power.

5. Peru

The nation doesn’t currently have a functioning government as President Martín Vizcarra has just suspended parliament altogether. And, again, it’s about corruption.

Peru has been rocked by a series of corruption scandals which have tainted the terms of the last three presidents, and Vizcarra promised reform – which has, he insists, been rejected by parliament, along with a call for a snap election.

Not this kind of snap.

The congress, for their part (which are controlled by Vizcarra’s opponents) , voted to suspend him and replace him with vice-president Mercedes Aráoz , but were told that since parliament had been suspended the vote was invalid.

There are pro- and anti-Vizcarra mobs gathering in Lima and concerns that things are about to kick off.

Really, they should all follow Australia’s lead. Less drama, more sausage, better outcomes. That’s what we’re about.

No Joke, KFC's Colonel Sanders Is Now A Smoking Hot Thirst Trap

But would getting with the Colonel be [removes glasses] finger lickin' good?

If you’ve ever lamented that dating apps seem to have gameified dating then it’s possible that the world of dating sims – in which one pretends to be dating a pile of virtual datesmen on dates – is either just what you’ve been looking for or the stuff of your most animated nightmares.

This is especially true if you’ve ever looked at the mascot of KFC and thought “mmmm, he’s hot AND spicy!” Because now he’s available, it would appear, and also Colonel Sanders is now a total thirst trap.

Like all great art, this raises more questions than it answers. And all of those questions are “…the hell?”

Dating sims are starting to make inroads into the English-speaking market but they and the whole otome romance game genre are still largely a Japanese phenomenon.

And a very particular one at that: as EJ Dickson wrote for Daily Dot, the ones available in the west have a very idiosyncratic take on this whole relationship business: “When you play these games, you sort of get the sense they were authored by a 14-year-old girl who regularly writes steamy Divergent fan fiction, but has never actually talked to a boy in her life.”

Mmmm, dreamboat!

And it does seem a little peculiar to promote a snack brand through the medium of convincing people to want to smooch their mascot. But that’s legitimately what is happening as the desktop game I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator comes to Steam on September 24 for everyone that’s ever wanted to compete to be the top fried chicken salesperson and also find salty, bread-coated love.

But this is secondary to the larger issue which is “how the hell is Colonel Sanders so hott?”

I mean, just look at him: a strange amalgam of silver fox and tween heartthrob, making sort of on-brand karage chicken bowl and boldly riding a giant space-borne pepper pot. There’s a lot to take in.

But there you have it: Colonel Sanders is officially now a thing after which you can thirst.

Ball’s in your court, McDonalds. Clearly the world needs Sexy Grimace.

Mmmm, yeah. That’s the stuff.

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