Bleats

Turns Out Being A Real-Life Ninja Is More Lucrative Than You Might Expect

You'll pay off that HECS debt in no time as a full-time ninja.

With full-time work in Australia still proving difficult to come by, it’s not easy to earn a living these days, especially if you’re someone who just finished uni and has a massive HECS debt to pay off. However, there’s a job out there in the world that not many people know about, is more lucrative than most entry-level gigs, and involves living out most people’s childhood dreams: being a real-life ninja in Japan.

Disclaimer: not actually what a ninja does.

Due to Japan’s well publicised aging population crisis, this has had a knock-on effect on the country’s number of trained ninjas, which in turn has had an economic effect. Despite what movies and TV shows will have you believe, ninjas aren’t trained assassins going around killing Japan’s enemies. They’re trained performers who help preserve and educate people on a big part of Japan’s culture.

According to NPR‘s Planet Money podcast, the Japanese city of Iga, which claims to be the birthplace of the ninja and has a population of about 100,000, sees about 30,000 tourists visit every year to experience the annual ninja festival.

But due to the aforementioned aging population crisis, a low unemployment rate, and the lack of young folks wanting to live in a rural country town in the middle of nowhere, Iga is suffering from a ninja shortage and this has had an effect on the local economy as there are fewer and fewer performers available every year.

Actual footage of young people fleeing Iga for the city.

In an attempt to galvanise the economy and revive interest in the art of being a ninja, Iga is putting more resources into various ninja-related projects that’ll hopefully encourage tourists to stay longer in the city, such as new museum.

As for the dropping ninja numbers, it remains to be seen whether people will be drawn to the prospect of suiting up to be a performer. But while the specialised training and isolation of Iga might be a turn off, the prospect of being a ninja may attract some attention on the salary alone.

Present-day ninjas can earn anywhere between $31,000 to $115,000 annually, which is pretty damn good and more than what you’ll get if you went down the retail route.

With that kind of money, you’ll pay off your HECS debt in no time!

That being said, that salary range isn’t exactly set in stone, nor are there necessarily open ninja vacancies immediately open for those willing to be all trained up so don’t get overly excited just yet.

But when you’re stuck in a situation where employment is hard to come by due to your lack of experience (which is brought on by the lack of employment), perhaps jetting off to Japan to be a ninja isn’t the worst alternative to consider.

Today I Learned: Barney The Dinosaur Is Now A Legit Tantric Sex Teacher

What a wild flex.

For many years, Barney the dinosaur has dancing around on TV educating kids and teaching them the power of love through dance and song. It seems like the first man in the dinosaur suit, David Joyner, took those lessons to heart because he started teaching about love in his own way after he left the show. And by that I mean he’s a tantric sex teacher.

That’s right, Barney the dinosour now teaches women about enlightened splooshes through the power of tantric sex.

What a wild flex.

So how does one go from playing Barney the dinosaur to running workshops on achieving enlightenment through orgasms?

According to Joyner (via VICE), the two are intrinsically linked for him as years of prancing around in a hot, heavy purple dinosaur suit meant he needed some outlet to keep his cool on set and around the kids. To do this, he used his tantric training to essentially channel all that discomfort into a state of zen and love.

“The energy I brought up [while] in the costume is based on the foundation of tantra, which is love. Everything stems, grows, and evolves from love.

“Even when you have emotionally blocked energy, the best way to remove it is to remove it with love, and then replace it with God’s divine love. Love heals and allows you to continue to grow.”

In a way, it sort of makes sense what Joyner is saying. After all, Barney the dinosaur is a symbol of pure, innocent love and it’s this aspect that Joyner could tap into using his mastery of the tantric arts when performing as the purple dinosaur. He saw the character as a way to spread the word about his tantric teachings, albeit in a G-rated fashion.

“Before I got into the [Barney] costume, I would pray and ask God to allow his loving divine spirit to flow through me through the costume and let that draw the kids. That energy would always draw them in.”

After hanging up his Barney the dinosaur costume in 2001, Joyner opened his tantric massage business in 2004 where he’s continued to preach his message of love exclusively for female clients… for a price that is.

A full three to four hour session that includes a ritual bath, chakra balancing, a massage, and if consent is given from all parties, tantric sex that’ll (hopefully) result in mind-numbing orgasms of the enlightenment kind.

This song has suddenly taken on a new, slightly less savoury meaning now.

Now stuff like this sounds like the talk of someone who should be on several watch lists, but according to those who worked with Joyner during his Barney the dinosaur days, he was “eccentric” but overall a ” very spiritual” and “very positive guy” to be around.

There’s also the issue of consent when it comes to Joyner’s tantric sex sessions, but VICE reports that no issue has come up with law enforcement agencies about any kind of harassment or coercion so he’s in the clear (legally speaking).

All that’s left to say is that this transition from Barney the dinosaur to tantric sex guru is a wild flex for the ages that no one saw happening. I don’t think I’ll be able to listen to the “I Love You” song in the same manner ever again.

Baby Thanos Exists And Is So Cooked It Will Make You Glad We Got Baby Yoda

Baby Thanos died so Baby Yoda could live.

In case you haven’t heard, the internet’s newest obsession is Star Wars’ latest and greatest character: Baby Yoda. Introduced in The Mandalorian, the infant… whatever he is has captured everyone’s hearts for being unbearably cute. Marvel thought it was a good time to jump on the baby bandwagon and decided to dust off some unused Avengers: Infinity War concept art of baby Thanos.

And folks, baby Thanos ain’t no Baby Yoda.

Yikes. No wonder Thanos became the Mad Titan. I’d be mad if I looked like that.

But joking aside though, this unused concept art suggests that Avengers: Infinity War originally had plans to dive into Thanos’ childhood and past but all this ultimately fell though, presumably because no one wanted to be traumatised by a baby Mad Titan who looks like a prune with angry eyes and veins.

There definitely wouldn’t have been any of that “aww-ing” and swooning we got at the end of The Mandalorian‘s first episode when Baby Yoda was introduced had Marvel went down the baby Thanos route that’s for sure.

Remember when Rhodey suggested in Endgame that they go back in time and kill baby Thanos? Well it’s a good thing the Avengers didn’t decide to go through with that plan because a) it’s just horrible and b) we were spared from having to look at what could pass off for a purple baby zombie.

Well that’s just horrible.

Okay sure, we may have missed out on a Thanos coming-of-age story, but again that’s a small price to pay for being spared the pain of looking at an infant Mad Titan for the better part of two hours.

Perhaps this is all an instance of karma. Some Star Wars cosmic power saw what Marvel were cooking up with baby Thanos, thought “oh hell no” and sought to correct that imbalance by giving us Baby Yoda.

And for once, the Star Wars gods have done right by us because we now have this until the end of time (or the next baby Yoda comes along):

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