Bleats

GoldenEye 007 Accidentally Revolutionised Video Games Thanks To Nine Clueless Guys

Just casually crapping out a masterpiece, no biggie.

Video gaming has evolved so rapidly over the last two and a half decades that it’s easy to forget how far we’ve come since the Pac-Man days. Case in point: Call of Duty, Battlefield, Fortnite and basically every shooter post-1997 wouldn’t have existed in their current forms if it weren’t for Rare and Nintendo’s James Bond-starring masterpiece, GoldenEye 007.

You may remember GoldenEye 007 as that critically-acclaimed Nintendo 64 game that was simultaneously heaps of fun and a friendship killer. What you may not know was how it was not only cobbled together by a team of newbies who’ve never made a game before, it completely – and unintentionally – revolutionised first-person shooters.

This didn’t happen in the films…

GoldenEye 007 began life back in 1994 when programmer Martin Hollis – who had only worked on one game at the time – pitched the idea of a James Bond game to Rare (the developer) and Nintendo.

The game was originally meant to be a 2D platformer for the Super Nintendo before pivoting to an on-rails shooter like Virtua Cop. But after seeing Super Mario 64 in action, Hollis wanted to make it into a 3D shooting game.

They liked the idea enough to say yes but weren’t confident that it would be a success so they gave him a crew of eight newbies, all of whom had never worked on a game before.

While this would spell doom on most projects, Hollis said the lack of experience actually helped the making of GoldenEye 007. Since no one knew anything, the team embraced a “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” approach.

They threw in things that may seem rudimentary today but were considered incredibly innovative at the time, like bullet holes in walls, large environments, stealth elements, non-linear levels (based on photographs from the actual GoldenEye movie set), and context-sensitive hit locations on enemies.

Sure this led to an overabundance of development problems, bugs and deadline overruns but hey, no one said making a groundbreaking game was easy.

The ability to shoot people in the butt was worth all the stress and late nights.

But perhaps the most innovative mechanic GoldenEye bestowed upon the world was local multiplayer mode on consoles, the feature that gave birth to a bunch of people crowded around one TV and playing against each other.

While it’s an expected thing in almost every shooter these days, multiplayer actually wasn’t intended to be in the game at all and was put together in the game’s final month of development by a single programmer, Steve Ellis.

In fact, it was so last minute that Rare or Nintendo didn’t even know of its existence until the game was well past its development deadline. At that point, it was too late to pull the plug so everyone shrugged and left it in.

Despite all the incredible work that went into GoldenEye 007, Nintendo weren’t particularly confident in the game and had actually “strongly suggested” to Rare to cancel the game after all its development troubles and poor preview showings.

Luckily, the studio stuck it out because they had alright dived way too deep to give up and it ultimately proved to be the right move. GoldenEye 007 was a massive critical and commercial success, and its then-innovative mechanics and multiplayer mode influenced a whole generation of first-person shooters.

So next time you need motivation, just remember that if nine blokes who had no idea what they were doing could make something involving James Bond that revolutionised a whole industry, you can do something amazing as well.

Or you could just procrastinate and play some GoldenEye 007 instead.

Hollywood Is Going To Screw Up The New Mortal Kombat Reboot, Isn't It?

No end to the video game movie curse just yet.

If you’re one of the many who are hoping that the new Mortal Kombat live-action film reboot will finally crack the Hollywood video game movie curse, you’re probably going to be disappointed.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, the James Wan-produced project has cast Jessica McNamee as Sonya Blade and Josh Lawson playing Kano.

Now that’s all good and all, but here’s the worrying part of the report: Lewis Tan has been cast as an “undisclosed lead character.”

Uh, what?

Mortal Kombat has had an established line-up of characters throughout its 27-year existence with the only changes being the addition of new fighters every now and again. It’s not rocket science to work out who is going to be in every new game or the movie.

This means there’s simply no reason to hide the identity of a lead character because we already frigging know who they are. It’s either going to be Liu Kang (Ludi Lin), Sonya Blade, Jax (Mehcad Brooks), Sub-Zero (Joe Taslim), or one of the other seven or so characters who have been around since the first game.

Since most of those aforementioned main characters already cast, we’re left with two possibilities:

  1. Lewis is playing either Johnny Cage, Scorpion, Princess Kitana, Shang Tsung, Reptile, or Goro.
  2. Lewis is playing a new, original character.

Even with the dumb “undisclosed lead character” description, we can easily work out who Lewis is playing in the Mortal Kombat reboot by a simple process of elimination.

But since the filmmakers are going though this effort to hide Lewis’ character’s identity, this means we’re left with the possibility of Lewis playing some new character, which is stupidity of the highest order because no one is going to watch Mortal Kombat for some new fighter they’ve never heard of.

All this makes no sense because there’s simply no logical reason to announce that Lewis is playing “an undisclosed lead character,” and it’s a worrying sign that Hollywood may be screwing up yet another video game movie by adding unnecessary changes.

It would be a ridiculously dumb move if this is indeed the case, which is kind of weird to say about a movie that’s about killing people in hilariously gruesome ways, like shoving a grenade down someone’s throat or freezing them before ripping out their spine. Then again, Hollywood has never been good at the video game movie gig so we shouldn’t be too surprised.

Anyway, we’ll see whether Mortal Kombat is a flop or a winning fatality when filming gets underway in Adelaide in late 2019 for a March 5, 2021 release date.

Something Is Terribly Wrong With Wario And His Nipples

Not trying to make Wario feel bad about himself but there are questions that need to be answered.

Nintendo and Sega have dropped a new trailer for their new game, Mario and Sonic at the Tokyo Olympic Games 2020, which contains a screenshot of a topless Wario standing on top of a winners podium for some reason. Now this is fine and all, except for the part where his nipples are virtually non-existent.

Look, we don’t expect Nintendo and Sega to make their characters anatomically correct but there’s something seriously wrong when Dr. Eggman has nipples and Wario doesn’t.

The lack of body hair is understandable. While you might expect the pot-bellied, mustached Wario to be sporting more body hair than Donkey Kong, he more than likely shaved it all off in order to swim faster. More hair equals more drag and he needs all the speed he can get.

But as for his virtually non-existent nipples? We need answers.

If you examine Wario closely – which we obviously did because this is a serious investigation – you can see he has two faint areolae but no nipples anywhere. Shaving off body hair for aerodynamic reasons is one thing but I can’t imagine there’s much time to be gained by sanding down your nipples.

Nintendo saw fit to give Mario some nipples and even a penis so it’s baffling why they didn’t extend Wario the same courtesy.

And let’s not even get started on his lack of a bellybutton.

It’s an absolute travesty and is more shocking than the revelation that Goombas actually have arms. It’s not quite up there with Sonic’s live-action design but it’s getting close.

The developers should’ve known they were going to stir the pot when they put two shirtless characters next to each other and one clearly has nipples while the other doesn’t.

Maybe the developers are saving Wario’s nipples as DLC or for the day one patch when Mario and Sonic at the Tokyo Olympic Games 2020 comes out in 2020. Or perhaps they’re leaving it as content for Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games Paris 2024.

Who really knows at this point and only time will tell.

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