Bleats

Exactly How Many Bad Christmas Movies Is Vanessa Hudgens Gonna Flog?

You're better than this, Vanessa.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS MOVIES.

Sorry, inside voices, let me try that again:

I love Christmas movies*. I really bloody do.

They’re cheesy and happy and full of pretty decorations and snow (which we don’t get enough of in the Southern Hemisphere) and just make me feel good.

Me. Source: Giphy

I watch Elf on Christmas Day every year and I still laugh out loud at all the jokes.

So it’s safe (and true) to say that when Netflix announces its lineup of Christmas movies every year I am beside myself with excitement.

This year, the streaming service is giving us masterpieces like Klaus…alongside not so masterpieces like The Knight Before Christmas.

Or, as I like to call it, VANESSA HUDGENS WHAT ARE YOU DOING 2.O.

Last year, Vanessa graced our laptop screens in The Princess Switch where she played two identical strangers from opposite worlds and treated us all to her totally forced, horrible British accent.

This year, she’s gone in for round two with a movie that – if it’s possible – looks even worse.

Like I said, I LOVE Christmas movies. But just because I love the concept doesn’t mean I love every one I watch – not all Christmas movies are made equal.

Movies like The Princess Switch and The Knight Before Christmas are good for watching in early November when you want to get into the Christmas mood but it’s too early to get super hyped up.

They’re good for half-awake late night binging when you don’t want to think too much.

They’re good to make you feel good about your life choices.

But they are and never will be in line with big titles like A Nightmare Before Christmas, A Muppet Christmas Movie, or Elf (which I love, if I haven’t already mentioned).

LOVE Elf. Source: Giphy

Vanessa Hudgens, I respect your life choices. I respect your career choices. I respect you as an intelligent, independent woman. But someone has to ask: what are you doing?

One bad Christmas movie is enough but, girl, you can’t come back from two. You have too much talent for this.

Woman to woman, trust me when I say, no knight in shining armour is worth it.

I dare you. Source: Giphy

That said, will I watch The Knight Before Christmas? You bloody bet I will.

*Die Hard is not a Christmas movie, come at me all you phonies.

The Devil Wears Prada Is Becoming A Musical And Miranda Priestly Is Quaking

I guess the devil wears sequins now.

I love musicals. 

I am that person who drives around blasting the Wicked soundtrack and singing the lyrics to ‘Defying Gravity’ while stopped at set of lights. 

I am also convinced I missed my calling and was a musical theatre star in a past life. It’s a whole thing for me. 

I wish. Source: Giphy

You know what else I like? Lot of things. Making you guess the one specific thing I’m thinking of is not only mean but impossible so I’ll tell you: I like The Devil Wears Prada. Yes, the movie. 

How are musicals and The Devil Wears Prada related, you ask? They’re not. Well, they weren’t. They are now because the iconic film is officially being turned into a stage show. 

You heard me. Source: Giphy

The musical will be based on the novel by Lauren Weisberger and 2006 movie of the same name. Oh, and Sir Elton John is set to write the music for the show – no big deal. 

YEAH! Source: Giphy

This news has my inner musical theatre geek and inner movie geek at odds – are they happy at this news? Are they vehemently opposed to it? I don’t know. 

See, here’s the deal. Musicals are a sacred art form – I have a lot of respect for them and they have a special place in my heart. 

The Devil Wears Prada is sacred in another way – it’s iconic, hilarious and a movie I genuinely enjoy watching every time. 

Combining my love for musicals and The Devil Wears Prada would be like combining my love for Nutella and Vegemite – it feels wrong and would just be gross. 

There’s a part of me that feels a sense of terror at the thought of a Devil Wears Prada musical – why would you ruin a good thing like that????

What she said. Source: Giphy

This^ is the emotional part of my brain talking. If I take a step back from my emotions, however, Irealise a musical wouldn’t ruin anything: the movie doesn’t stop being iconic and I won’t love it any less just because it’s been reimagined in a more musical way. 

In the years to come, when I watch the movie, I won’t think of the musical – I won’t suddenly hate the characters or the storyline. They’re two completely different pieces of art and my brain will therefore respond to them differently. 

The Devil Wears Prada is based on the happenings at Vogue but it didn’t ruin Vogue. So the musical won’t ruin the movie. 

Smart. Source: Giphy

Making the musical is also a kind of genius publicity move. Fans of the book and the movie will flock to see the show – who needs marketing when you have that kind of popularity? 

Also, I would pay good money to see Miranda Priestly as a drag queen. So there’s that. 

Movies Are Getting Longer But Our Attention Spans Are Getting Shorter, Where Is The Logic?

My bladder can’t handle it.

Here’s a concept: intermissions for movies

It might sound like a weird idea but me and my bladder are all for it. Sitting through three hours in an uncomfortable cinema chair (especially when they’re the kind with the arms that don’t tuck away) is not fun when you have a belly full of iced cola and you pee a bit every time you laugh/cry/there’s a jump scare. 

Sure, maybe it’s just my tiny bladder. But it’s also because movies are getting longer and longer which makes it harder to hold my pee. 

So again I suggest: intermissions for movies. 

I know. Source: Giphy

This isn’t just me being a sook – movies have actually been getting longer. Two of this year’s most popular films, Avengers: Endgame and IT Chapter Two, were both about three hours long. 

That’s double the amount of time of an average romcom. 

Yeah, no thanks. Source: Giphy

Watching long movies isn’t a huge struggle when you’re excited for the film – Avengers and It both had a lot of hype around their release. There was no way I was going to the toilet during Endgame and I was okay with that.  

But not all films are made equal, meaning not all films are loved and adored in the same way. Which means sitting through them while needing to pee is not always ideal. 

Real footage of me trying to hold my pee during a movie. Source: Giphy

There is a logic to why movies are getting longer. 

Firstly, most big movies are adaptations. Films like Harry Potter come with a huge reputation and an even bigger fanbase. The pressure to fit in all the important bits and details is immense.

Logic follows: the longer the film, the more that can be included. 

Smart. Source: Giphy

Another reason movies are getting longer is because audiences want more bang for their buck. Nothing is cheap these days and asking a family to pay $13 a ticket for a movie plus popcorn and soda is basically asking them to give away small fortune – $100+ can be spent on groceries, dinner or laundry fees. 

So, if a mum is going to take her kids to a movie she wants to make sure it’s damn worth it. 

Why watch an 90-minute kids comedy about The Rock babysitting a cutie little girl when you can distract your kids for with an action film for three blissful hours?

Streaming services also give a reason for movies to extend their runtime – there is no cap, they can play through for as long as we desire. Gone are the days where you had to change from Titanic VHS #1 to Titanic VHS #2 just after watching Jack draw Rose like one of his French girls. 

Iconic. Source: Giphy

Finally, movies are long because they’re ~art~. 

I’d like to see you try telling Quentin Tarantino to cap his blockbusters at one hour. 

lolololol. Source: Giphy

The reasons why movies are getting longer and longer make total sense. But that doesn’t mean I like it. 

Again I say: intermissions for movies. It will be revolutionary, trust me. 

Pop-up Channel

Follow Us