Bleats

The Latest Hippie Scam To Make You Feel Bad About Your Vagina Is This 'Exfoliating, Tightening' Jamu Stick

Record-breaking levels of nope.

From cosmetic surgery to bleaching your labia, there are loads of ways to “fix” the hideous outsides of your terrible, disastrous genitals.

But did you know there can be things wrong with the inside of your bits that have nothing to do with being healthy and doing the job a vagina is designed to do?

For example, the makers of the “Jamu Stick” think they need exfoliation.

https://www.twitter.com/babypizzagaga/status/1101242101117931520

There are so many things wrong with this I don’t even know where to begin.

For one thing, exfoliation is removing dead skin, and the lining of the vaginal canal is not made of skin.

You cannot exfoliate it – it’s a mucous membrane covered in self-refreshing epilethial cells. It’s like trying to exfoliate your tonsils.

For another, some people like a smooth vulva – whatever blows your hair back. But is a smoother vagina really something you’re after? Is anyone who has vaginal sex actually sitting around going “Well, this is fun and all, but it would be better without all this annoying friction!”

And putting random junk in your vagina is way more likely to mess with the pH balance and the flora that keep it healthy than it is to “fix” it.

And you do not need to put any expensive hippie scam up your vagina to “tighten” it. You can’t “tighten” it anyway – what you’re talking about there is strengthening your pelvic floor, which is not just about giving penises a more special hug but a good thing in general for your reproductive and pee-related health.

I repeat: you do not need a Gwyneth-approved jade egg to strengthen your pelvic floor. Doing your kegels is free.

The product is still online on the company’s own website, but has been removed from Etsy, with a spokesperson telling HuffPost UK: “As outlined in our policies, we do not allow content that promotes prohibited medical claims.”

Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like your vagina is dirty or not good enough.

Vaginas are self-cleaning.

You do not need to wash them, douche them, scrub them, scrape them, or put anything up there that isn’t either collecting blood or giving you orgasms.

Fabric Softener Is A Scam And It Needs To Die

You dry yourself with a bath-sheet of lies.

Back in 2016, the Wall Street Journal announced that fabric softener had been added to the list of things being killed by millennials.

According to the WSJ, major manufacturer Procter and Gamble were gearing up for a big marketing push to get younger buyers back on board, rebranding the product as “fabric conditioner”, to make people think of putting conditioner on your hair after you strip it with shampoo.

Why do they have to trick you like this?

Because literally nobody needs fabric softener.

Yes, soft and fluffy towels are nice. But coating them in overpriced bottles of nice-smelling fats, silicones and/or polymers is ridiculous, and you need to stop doing it.

For one thing, it makes towels less good at the one job towels are supposed to do: dry you off by absorbing the water off your body. Softener mainly works by coats towels in stuff that doesn’t absorb water.

Meaning it’s about as useful as a laminated Post-it.

It can also wreck your precious Lululemon: the moisture-wicking properties of your exxy activewear’s fancy fabrics are actively reduced by being coated in conditioner.

And it also reduces the effectiveness of flame-resisting treatments applied to clothes like your fave PJs and baby onesies. (Many manufacturers will even tell you not to use them on kids’ pyjamas for this reason.)

 

And here’s the best bit: it even messes with your washing machine itself. The oily compounds in the product build up in the washer’s insides, creating a waxy gunk known as scrud.

SCRUD.

Do YOU need scrud in your life?

No, I don’t want no scrud.

If you really, really need soft towels (Team Crunchy Towel 5eva but you do you) then you have a few options to get the fibres fluffed up instead of flat and hard, which is what makes the difference.

If you’re tumble drying your towels, you don’t need softener. Full stop. They’ll get fluffy in the drying process, and if that’s still not fluffy enough for your precious limbs, you need to have a conversation with a dermatologist, princess.

Turn down your spin speed if you can – super-hectic spins flattens the fibres, so it’s like a Rotor ride for your linens.

If you’re line drying, hold towels by the edges in the middle lengthways, and give them a big snap before you peg them up – it makes the fibres stand up more, and also is a great way to take out aggression.

And a bit of white vinegar in the softener dispenser will do the same job without the coating, and I promise it won’t make your linens smell like a chip shop. If you like the scent, a drop or two of a nice essential oil added to the vinegar is all you need.

However many towels you own, they will be suitably fluffy and effective – and you’ll satisfy that little corner of your brain that secretly wants to be one of those Instagram influencers who apparently uses vinegar and coconut oil for everything.

And there! You are now freed from one of capitalism’s most enduring scams. Welcome to the resistance.

Florida Woman Steals Five Rolexes, Hides Four Of Them Up Her Lady Pocket, Inspires So, So Many Questions

It turns out hiding stolen high-end watches in nature's pocket is... kind of a trend?

Today in “Florida (Wo)man” news, a story that will have you doing some confused sympathy kegels.

The Miami Herald reports that Delajurea Brookens met Ramon Diaz at a nightclub in Miami Beach and headed back to his hotel room for, you know, reasons. He popped into the bathroom to “freshen up”, as is polite, and when he came out, the bag where he casually kept five (five!) Rolexes was missing.

Police later arrested Brookens with one of the watches still in the bag, but it wasn’t until they performed a cavity search that they found the other four – all stashed in her vagina.

Many questions here.

For one, wouldn’t those fancy metal links in the band pinch at you? Would you have to clench to keep them up there or do they sit comfortably out of the entrance, like a menstrual cup?

When did she get them all up there? Did she try to wedge #5 in there and fail, or just run out of time? Is five watches just too many watches to have in your vagina at once?

Does putting them up your snatch decrease the black market resale price, or did she have a specific buyer in mind who would pay a premium for that extra detail in their provenance?

If you google “rolex vagina”, by the way, it’s a little alarming how many stories come up.

A yarn went around in 2014 about a woman who slipped her one-night-stand’s fancy timepiece in there and took off running; she wasn’t even the first one reported that year, after three women were caught trying the same trick.

And just last year in New York, a woman stole a Rolex from a man and then hid it in her panties, where cops discovered it with the help of a metal detector. (What, no time to even try to squeeze it up there?)

Vagina-havers, let’s be clear: it’s entirely your business what you put up there and why, but there are plenty of battery-powered options that are way more fun, and way less illegal.

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