I don’t know about you, but I very rarely read the descriptions on food labels, but after seeing the descriptions on Oasis Bakery’s spices I might just have to start.
It seems that the restaurant and grocery store in Victoria has hired the best copywriter there is to write the descriptions for their spices.
If you go to the website, you can find even more hilarious descriptions, one of our favourites would have to be Tarragon:
“Tarragon, the dwarfs, the elf & the wizard set off to Middle Earth to defeat the evil foe Sauron. Along their road they had many an adventure, drunken brawls & sessions with the bong.
“Tarragon, the would-be King of the herbs – played with great vigour & lack of nude fight scenes by Viggo Mortennson – finally acceded the throne in Part III, with Liv Tyler as his queen & respected Shakespearean actor Ian MacKellan as his Court Jester.”
Garlic & Herbs doesn’t disappoint either:
“World leaders – elected &/or otherwise – were in New York once again to rant & gesticulate at the UN General Assembly. I happened to be in New York & decided to pay homage to the failed institution that is the UN. Feeling dejected after being denied an opportunity to speak at the Assembly, I walked north along FDR Drive underneath the UN building.
“The Secret Service accosted me & demanded to know of my identity. I told them I was the Chicken Man & that I had to get uptown for a charity fundraiser to raise money for seeing-eye-dogs that needed corrective eye surgery. They said that garlic & herb seasoning works really well with chicken. So I tried a little on my arm: I tasted good.”
Italian Herbs could win awards:
“Roberto Saviano’s novel ‘Gomorrah’ provides a firsthand expose of the savagery & underhanded dealings of southern Italy’s Camorra (a powerful Neapolitan mafia-like organization). One of the unscrupulous business practices detailed in the novel is the construction industry’s use of inferior building materials to save on costs. In the L’Aquila earthquake of April 2009 several modern buildings were thought to have collapsed because sea sand had been used to produce the concrete.
“The salt content of the sand had rusted the steel reinforcing elements causing a loss of strength & subsequent failure during the relatively minor 6.3 magnitude earthquake. Rest assured the Camorra have not infiltrated the production of Italian herbs – it’s salt free & very robust. Check out the sublime marinara sauce recipe on the back.”
Mustard Powder took a strange turn…
“It’s time this affliction stopped being a laughing matter & garnered the respect & admiration it deserves. Many great Eskimos have suffered from bipolar disorder & managed to earn great success in the non-descript arts of taxidermy, apiary & home brewing.
“We need to rise up as one force & say “Australia says no to wearing ‘Live strong’ bracelets!” We need to think about a future where our children stop being used as guinea pigs for the testing of pharmaceuticals & start being used for their intended purpose: as a source of organs for transplantation into wealthy businessmen.”
Basically, after reading all these labels we would like the Oasis Bakery copywriter to write every description from now on. Pretty please?