Bleats

I Have A Few Questions About The Giant Blue Dildo In 'Watchmen'

The greatest episode of Watchmen just aired and all I can think of is a giant blue dong.

This article about Laurie Blake/Silk Spectre‘s giant blue dildo contains SPOILERS for episode three of Watchmen!

After two fantastic episodes to kick off the story in HBO’s Watchmen, things got taken up a notch with the introduction (or reintroduction for those familiar with the original comic) of Jean Smart’s Laurie Blake, aka Silk Spectre 2.0.

While her arrival resulted in the greatest episode of Watchmen – and arguably all of TV this year – so far, I have a bunch of questions about something she carries around with her in a suitcase: a giant blue dildo modeled after the shining blue dong of her ex, Dr. Manhattan.

During the end of the episode, we see Laurie Blake whip out her giant Dr. Manhattan dildo in preparation of some private me time after a stressful day. While the scene is rife with interpretations that’ll give a shrink a raging hard-on, all I can think was “damn that’s huge” and “that looks uncomfortable”

Now I know next to nothing about dildos but having sat on enough cold metal chairs in my time, a metal dildo seems like it would be pretty unsavoury for the first few moments. Maybe sex toy technology in Watchmen has advanced to the point where the cold is no longer an issue, or maybe it comes with warming gel or sorts.

That thought soon opened up a Pandora’s Box of weird brain nuggets about the dildo.

Why is the dildo as big as goddamn building column when it’s been established that Dr. Manhattan’s junk is average-sized at best? Why does it look like gynecology tool?

Are those detachable balls a battery pack? If so, does that make the dildo a vibrator? Is it even safe to use given how gargantuan the thing is?

Can you hide snacks in it or use it as a bong? Is it custom-made or mass-produced? Where can we buy one, you know, for science?

Beyond the thinking and construction behind the dildo, it also brings up a bunch of questions about Laurie Blake/Silk Spectre herself.

It’s been established in the comics that Laurie dated Dr. Manhattan for about 15 years before dumping him for Nite Owl, who is missing (for now) in the show. Given how Laurie still leaves phone calls to Dr. Manhattan (who now lives on Mars), is this dildo some sort of physical symbol of the feelings she still holds for her ex-boyfriend?

Or maybe it’s as simple as no amount of sex with a human will ever be good enough for Laurie ever again. As show creator Damon Lindelof explains, she has forked a literal god who can bend space and time, so how could anyone else compare to that?

At that point you’ll need a giant blue dong to get anywhere near the same feeling as hooking up with an actual god and, well, that’s where we find Laurie.

Laurie ultimately puts the giant blue schlong back in its briefcase and beds her young FBI underling, which again got me wondering, “there’s no way in hell that dude is as good as the dildo”.

Watchmen has been a revelation in just how well it manages to honour the source material while also telling a new story, and yet all my attention has been viciously ripped away at the sight of that Dr. Manhattan influenced blue dildo.

Here’s hoping we get a few answers to some of those weird questions I had about Laurie and her dildo in the back half of Watchmen because the image is forever burned into my brain and I need release.

Anyone Else Have A Raging Hard-On For Danny DeVito Or?

Can't relate. It's Matilda's dad who does it for me. Every time.

Ah Reddit, you’ve done it again. You’ve somehow managed to take your ongoing obsession with boners, Danny DeVito, a dash of his most memorable TV and film roles like IASIP and Matilda, and turned it into some pure gold.

Some person kicked started this hilarious saga over at AskReddit by innocently asking: “Which celebrity gives you the quickest boner once you look at them?

Now a Reddit thread such as this would normally garner countless replies of “Emma Watson”, “Jennifer Lawrence” and *insert Hollywood actress, pop star or model*. One person decided to buck the usual trend by putting down Danny DeVito as the one who gives them the quickest hard-on and next thing you know, almost everyone else started naming Danny as their ultimate celebrity sploosh.

Look, I totally get it. I mean, have you looked at him and seen his work?

Danny DeVito is a god around these parts and the GOAT team can’t honestly think of anyone else on this green(ish) earth who could give us a faster boner than the man who gave us Frank Reynolds from IASIP, the short guy from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s twin.

Since this is Reddit we’re talking about here, there were some absolutely brilliant gems from some seriously thirsty folk who just wanted to show how much they (and their boners) loved Danny.

Here are just some of the highlights:

“Double D’s always get me going. Danny Devito that is.”

“Mila Kunis… Is second on my list, just behind Danny DeVito.”

“Michael Keaton’s nemesis. I don’t know his name, but holy shit, he played an evil cold-weather bird and it just made me hot.”

“Emma Watson. Especially when she puts on a lot of weight, puts on glasses, becomes half bald, and turns into a boy. That description sounds an awful lot like Danny DeVito.”

“Maaaaan you all are wrong, it’s the art critic Ongo Gablosian.”

“Gal Godot but only if I squint my eyes because then she looks like Danny Devito.”

“The nice lad who offered me an egg in this trying time.”

As fun as this whole thing was, I for one am disgusted by the lack of respect shown in that Reddit thread and all those people naming Danny DeVito should be ashamed of themselves.

The man’s name is Daniel Michael DeVito Jr. so have some goddamn respect.

WWII Is, Like, Way Too Triggering To Learn About, According To This Influencer

And that is how you end up as an influencer, kids.

There are important reasons why we need to learn history in school, chief among them is to educate future generations about the significance of important moments and learning from past mistakes so we’re not doomed to repeat them. But if you’re 22-year-old Instagram influencer Freddie Bentley, then you’re in the camp of “let’s stop teaching kids about WWII because it’s, like, way too intense”.

This whole saga began when Freddie decided to appear on Good Morning Britain to debate the topic “do millennials need to know about WWII” with former British chief inspectorate of schools, Michael Wilshaw, following a bunch of Apprentice contestants admitting they didn’t know when the war began.

While the Instagram influencer says he understands the importance of WWII. he also says he wished he learned less because it was *checks notes* so “intense” and not as educational as “other problems going on in the world at the moment” that aren’t taught in school, like Brexit and climate change.

Freddie was met with a staunch rebuttal from Wilshaw, who said that it is important for students to remember the war, the people who sacrificed themselves and the mistakes that were made. Trying to explain his reasoning further, Freddie says teaching WWII to kids will have a toll on their mental health:

“Mentally, in their mental health, to be told that this certain amount of people died for you.

“Mental health is completely on the rise now. I don’t think encouraging death and telling people how many people died in a world war is going to help someone in the future.”

Great point, Freddie. We should definitely stop learning about WWII, a historical event in which a charismatic yet stupid fascist rose to power in a democratic society and enacted horrendously racist policies that led to the death of countless people.

Yeah, that doesn’t sound familiar at all, especially with what’s happening today around the world.

To be fair, ol’ mate has a fair point about schools needing to focus more on topics that affect people today, such as climate change, Brexit and taxes, as those are incredibly important. But to teach those lessons at the expense of learning one of the most important events in history?

Nah mate. If you think learning about WWII is so intense that it’ll be detrimental to the mental health of kids, wait until they start learning about biology, physics, chemistry, mathematics and geography. Oh and let’s not forget about sports.

When you’ve dug yourself a hole with no dignified way of digging yourself out, the only option is to double down hard and boy did Freddie Bentley go all in on his position.

In the wake of widespread criticism of his comments, ol’ mate shared a post in Instagram where he stood behind his opinion before sheepishly backtracking a bit, writing that WWII “needs to be taught in moderation to promote mental health and focus on teaching young people real life skills.”

Look, credit to Freddie Bentley for having the balls to go on television and putting up a staunch defence for an indefensible viewpoint because there’s no possible way to come out of that looking good.

His ideas on education reform will likely fall through because they’re, well, dumb but his appearance on Good Morning Britain did prove one thing: stay in school and learn as much as you can, kids, or you’ll end up being an under-educated influencer whose lack of intelligence gets brutally exposed to millions on TV.

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