One of the most important things to parse out in any conflict, whether it be a civil war in Cameroon or a pitched battle on the desert planet of Jakku, is who are the goodies and who are the baddies. And that’s going to be a big issue shortly when Donald Trump, frustrated by investigations into his sex life and electoral corruption, kicks off the third world war – which might have officially started today with the announcement of air strikes against Syria.
Last time around things were really easy: the baddies were the violent racists. Obviously, with Trump in the White House, that distinction is nowhere near as clear cut this time around.
The US, obviously, is the goodies because they will bomb the hell out of anyone that claims otherwise. And, as Australians, our global military role is to obsequiously do whatever they demand – hence our being in Syria and Iran right at the moment, fighting wars from which our own Home Office won’t accept refugees.
But Australia is just one of the minor players in what’s looking set to be a weirdly colourful little catastrophe. And sure, there were some weird outliers back in the last world war too (so Russia was a goodie, but Japan was a baddie? What about China, who were fighting Japan but not really doing so on the goodies’ side? And why do those smug Swiss get to opt out?).
So, going by the words of Trump so far, who are the key players in the final confrontation which will end humanity?
RUSSIA
Status: enemies/allies
Russia is currently looking like being the chief baddie, with Trump threatening “nice and new and “smart!” missiles in response to claims that Russia would shoot down any missiles fired at Syrian forces over the latest allegations of chemical weapons being used in the civil war.
In 2014 they were a “geopolitical foe”, and then praising the invasion of Crimea weeks later. And then last year he was claiming that “Russia can help us fight ISIS, which, by the way, is, number one, tricky.” So… it’s nuanced.
Russia vows to shoot down any and all missiles fired at Syria. Get ready Russia, because they will be coming, nice and new and “smart!” You shouldn’t be partners with a Gas Killing Animal who kills his people and enjoys it!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 11, 2018
NORTH KOREA
Status: enemies/pals-in-waiting
Dictator Kim Jong-Un has been hailed as “Lil’ Rocket Man” and “a sick puppy”, by Trump and also “a pretty smart cookie“. So, as with Putin, it’s a mixed bag.
There’s also been some movement in the diplomatic Previous administrations – specifically that of Barack Obama – were traitorous idiots for opting to speak with North Korea in the past instead of just bombing them…
…hasn't worked, agreements violated before the ink was dry, makings fools of U.S. negotiators. Sorry, but only one thing will work!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 7, 2017
…and then he was taking credit for the potential thawing of tensions between North and South Korea in January…
Sanctions and “other” pressures are beginning to have a big impact on North Korea. Soldiers are dangerously fleeing to South Korea. Rocket man now wants to talk to South Korea for first time. Perhaps that is good news, perhaps not – we will see!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 2, 2018
…and then raising the possibilities of talks between the US and North Korea, which apparently no-one else had ever done seriously before.
Possible progress being made in talks with North Korea. For the first time in many years, a serious effort is being made by all parties concerned. The World is watching and waiting! May be false hope, but the U.S. is ready to go hard in either direction!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 6, 2018
…so again, nuanced.
UK/FRANCE/other NATO countries
Status: allies/freeloaders
Today’s air strike was a join effort with France and the UK, but if those countries think that the mere fact they’ve fallen into line with the US means that they’re going to have the favour returned in the future then they have another thing coming.
All America’s allies owe the US money, according to Trump, and need to start paying more. Specifcally, as he annoucned at an event commentoaring the September 11 attacks,
“Twenty-three of the 28 member nations are still not paying what they should be paying for their defence… many of these nations owe massive amounts of money from past years.” Which isn’t actually true in any sense, but seems like a fair way to justify doing little when the time comes.
AUSTRALIA
Status: trade partner/underling
We were going to have to pay steel and aluminium tariffs, but then we didn’t because we’re such good friends! And now the US wants to come into the Trans Pacific Partnership because we’re such good friends, and definitely not to cut our lunch with primary exports to Japan! And given that Pine Gap is the place from which a good slab of the Middle East and African drone strikes are coordinated, we’re super good friends and also a military target!
Even so, the US has been awful quiet about helping us out if any other local superpower starts building bases on Vanuatu. Like, for example…
CHINA
Status: Greatest rival/best pal
First…
China is not our friend. They are not our ally. They want to overtake us, and if we don’t get smart and tough soon, they will.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 21, 2013
…then…
Why would I call China a currency manipulator when they are working with us on the North Korean problem? We will see what happens!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 16, 2017
And now…
China has been asked to develop a plan for the year of a One Billion Dollar reduction in their massive Trade Deficit with the United States. Our relationship with China has been a very good one, and we look forward to seeing what ideas they come back with. We must act soon!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 7, 2018
So, in conclusion, maybe we need to talk to Switzerland. They seemed to have the right idea.