Bleats

Trump Seriously Considered Using Killer Animals To Protect His Beloved Border

At least he wasn't demanding dragons, we guess?

There are times when Donald Trump’s behaviour seems so breathtakingly bold that it’s tempting to think that maybe he is, as his most ardent supporters insist, operating on a higher level where he’s playing four dimensional chess against opponents trying to understand the rules of checkers.

And then there are the times he does something a seven year would do. Like suggest digging a snake-moat along the southern border.

In their new book on the current (at the time of writing) president, Border Wars: Inside Trump’s Assault On Immigration, New York Times journalists Julie Hirschfeld Davis and Michael D. Shear claim that Donnie’s obsession with stopping Mexican migration extended to coming up with wall and wall-adjacent solutions which sounded less like serious suggestions and more what an anxious primary school child would draw as a way of keeping the baddies out.

Such as? Well, electrifying the wall – you know, that one that hasn’t been built? That one.

Also, putting invisible spikes on the top.

Also, putting in moats filled with snakes and/or alligators – a suggestion which wasn’t just an idle suggestion but something for which Trump wanted costings calculated.

Also, shooting border crossers in the leg to slow them down.

Oh, and once he announced that he’s just shut the border down at noon the following day. And told Border Agents to just stop processing migrants, which everyone nodded at until he left and then admitted the president didn’t have the authority to demand.

And yes, we could tiresomely point out that the vast majority of “illegal” immigration from Mexico isn’t the tiny number of people crossing the border but people overstaying their visas. But hey, if Trump’s not going to bother with facts then it seems rude for us to do so.

But he should definitely be wary about animals. You know, because it hasn’t gone great in the past.

And also we realise that it’s not remotely the most important thing about Trump at this point in time, what with the whole Ukraine scandal in which our own prime minister is now enmeshed and all.

But the most important thing is that Donald Trump wanted a supervillain-style moat of snakes along the US-Mexico border. And you know, it’s so crazy it just might w… actually, no, it’s just crazy.

'Untitled Goose Game' Has Definitively Proved Video Games Cause Violence, For Geese

It's basically Taxi Driver, only with De Niro replaced by a goose.

Well, we finally have a definitive answer for the old question “do video games create real life violence?” and it is yes. Provided, that is, that you’re talking about geese because they are bringing unshackled beaky violence to the streets of London even as you read this.

You’re hopefully aware that Untitled Goose Game on the Nintendo Switch has become the cult gaming hit of 2019. And why wouldn’t it, since it offers players the opportunity to live la vida gosling by embracing their inner aggressive feathered jerk?

But is is a mere coincidence that this game should appear and then suddenly there’s a wave of geese carrying out carjackings? No. No, it is not.

OK, by “wave” we mean “one”. And by “carjackings” we mean “UK taxi damage and befoulment”.

Yes, a goose flew into a taxi, smashing the window in the process, and then proceeded to crap all over the interior while puny humans went “how do we coax an angry goose from this vehicle, and also is it better to keep it caged inside the car rather than have it go full-goose upon the broader Radford Road district?”

Basically, it’s the same question humanity had about the Hulk, only more serious because it’s a goose and not a pretendy green monster-man. Geese are all too real, and pure evil – as anyone that has been near a pond while carrying bread can attest.

Trusting them was our first mistake. Giving them a taste for human noses was our last.

The goose was taken to the vet after its rampage but there’s no report yet on whether it’s OK. In fact, things have been suspiciously quiet from the vets ever since the goose was taken there. Almost… almost too quiet. As though the goose has exacted a terrible vengeance on the vet and is OH DEAR GOD THE HONKING IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING!

Anyway: the important lesson here is that the geese has decided to stop mucking around, and also that we need to ban all video games forever. Won’t someone think of the taxis?

Five OS Political Garbage Fires That'll Make You Scoff That Democracy Sausage With Pride

We got it pretty sweet here, really.

You know, it’s easy to get cynical about politics here in Australia – not least when our PM is making deals to help the US president fight his political enemies, or downplay the climate change which is already affecting Australia.

But you know what? We have it incredibly good compared to a lot of countries. For one thing, we get democracy sausages.

GOAT’s editor can back this claim up.

And for another, we’re not these countries:

1. The United States

The unfolding mess in the US is hard to sum up, but in a nutshell: evidence that Donald Trump tied defence aid to Ukraine to them doing him favours in uncovering (seemingly nonexistent) dirt on the son of likely Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden has led to an almost inevitable impeachment by the Congress.

That, as we’ve explained, doesn’t mean that Trump will actually be removed from office (since the Republicans control the senate it’s definitely not going to happen unless the party turns on its president in an implausibly unprecedented way) but the scandal and Trump’s near-hysterical response is helping turn public sentiment against him, and the next US election is in just over a year and the campaigning has already begun.

To be fair, at least his failure to build the wall means he can campaign on it again.

Given that Trump’s always seemed to be immune to serious consequences, and that he’s now gleefully tweeting what looks horribly like incitement to civil war if he’s defeated at the polls, it’s hard to know what would be better: being stuck with him for another four years, or trying to reunite a riven country afterwards.

2. The United Kingdom

Hoo boy. So, as with certain other nations with “United” in the title, prime minister Boris Johnson was elevated to power on the grounds that he promised to do things which no-one else could do, and then proved exactly as unable to do them.

In Johnson’s case it was to get the European Union to make a killer deal with Britain which would make Brexit go smoothly and profitably and not be a complete clusterhump of a nightmare of a dumpster fire.

And while no new deal has emerged, and nor is there any reasonable sign of one appearing in the three weeks before Brexit is meant to occur, Johnson has managed to fracture his government with mass resignations and defections (including that of his own brother), divide his party and utterly fail to bring the EU to the negotiating table.

The man certainly knows his bull.

Oh, and he was found to have acted illegally in suspending parliament, so that’s a thing.

So bad has it gotten that all the other parties and a solid slab of Johnson’s fellow Conservatives in parliament are floating the possibility of forming an alternative government purely in order to postpone Brexit again, which may or may not be an option, in order to hold another election which may or may not also include a second go at that Brexit referendum.

After all, the first time went so well!

3. Hong Kong

Hong Kong used to belong to Britain, but when the UK handed it “back” to China in 1997 it was inevitable that the “one country, two systems” policy under which it operated – an independent judiciary, freedom of speech, religion and movement, non-state capitalism and so on – was going to cause some friction.

The current tensions began over the idea of Hong Kong holding democratic elections, which were a feature outlined in the handover document but have been ignored up until now, and the pro-democracy “umbrella movement” have been active for several years.

Admit it, you thought it too.

However, when Hong Kong’s chief executive announced that the government would start extraditing people to mainland China rather than trying them in HK, that started the city-choking demonstrations which have now been running since July.

Lam has withdrawn the bill, but the protestors’ demands have moved on to investigations into police violence and broader electoral reform – which Beijing seems unlikely to allow. Which might explain the military build up just outside HK’s borders.

4. Indonesia

Jakarta is now in its second week of protests by students who are furious at restrictive proposed changes to the criminal code (including that ban on extramarital sex which has got Bali tourists worried) and attempts to water down the powers of the  Corruption Eradication Commission.

Even their gifs are corrupted!

It’s part of the hardline agenda of the recently re-elected president Joko Widodo, who is currently attempting to placate his own government while claiming that the student protests are motivated by his political rivals.

The problem is that things are escalating, with deaths reported from protests in West Papua and fears that the increasingly heavy handed policing might lead to a repeat of the 1998 riots. not least, in Widodo’s eyes, because that contributed to the removal of President Suharto from power.

5. Peru

The nation doesn’t currently have a functioning government as President Martín Vizcarra has just suspended parliament altogether. And, again, it’s about corruption.

Peru has been rocked by a series of corruption scandals which have tainted the terms of the last three presidents, and Vizcarra promised reform – which has, he insists, been rejected by parliament, along with a call for a snap election.

Not this kind of snap.

The congress, for their part (which are controlled by Vizcarra’s opponents) , voted to suspend him and replace him with vice-president Mercedes Aráoz , but were told that since parliament had been suspended the vote was invalid.

There are pro- and anti-Vizcarra mobs gathering in Lima and concerns that things are about to kick off.

Really, they should all follow Australia’s lead. Less drama, more sausage, better outcomes. That’s what we’re about.

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