Bleats

There Is An Actual Sinkhole In The Actual Lawn Of The White House And It Has Set A New Bar In Metaphors For Trump's Presidency

Some stories just seem too, too perfect…

In a rare example of geology imitating politics, a sinkhole has appeared on the lawn of the White House, where it it growing by the day.

Sinkholes, as you’re probably aware, are gaping earth-voids that open up whenever ground below the surface erodes away and/or the demons that live in the bowels of the Earth fancy a skylight. They appear without warning, and by and large the best way to deal with them is to keep the hell away – which is a problem if they appear next the seat of government.

And the perfect thing about it is that it works equally well no matter your view of the presidency.

If you’re pro-Trump then this is proof that he’s following through on his promise to drain the swamp: sinkholes are often caused when the water table drops and the ground above it crumbles under it’s own unsupported weight.

And if you’re anti-Trump, then this is proof that the very Earth itself is rebelling against his presence and attempting to make amends. Or it’s representing an administration that’s crumbling beneath the president’s feet, if you like. The possibilities are endless!

Of course, the reality is that sinkholes are common if terrifying. They’re pretty much everywhere that there’s earth and water,  and the District of Columbia (which contains Washington) has a “karst” geology, where the land is made of porous carbonate rock (limestone or dolomite) which is particularly susceptible to water erosion.

And that’s why there are enough caves in the area for the DC Grotto spelunking and cave-exploring group to have existed long enough for their up-to-date website to clearly have been made in the mid-90s heyday of Geocities.

That, or it’s the Hellmouth opening. Maybe both!

Is Melania Even In Trump's Phone? His Tweet Calling Her Melanie Suggests Couples Therapy Is In Order

It's not the probable autocorrect that's an issue so much as what it says about the presence or otherwise of Trump's wife's number.

The biggest problem with writing about Donald Trump is that so many of the things that should by rights be snide, mean-spirited, not-even-especially-funny jokes about his carelessness turn out to be less lefty character assassination and more accurate and documented statements of fact.

For example: given the lack of any suggestion of affection or warmth or any non-transactional feeling between Trump and his wife Melania, it would an easy, hacky joke to say “ha ha ha, what if he didn’t even remember her name?”

That’s a real tweet. And, somewhat refreshingly, it was caught and corrected, reminding us other times that the president of the United States hit send on things with fairly obvious errors…

2017, such an innocent time…

…and naturally the internet has exploded with people either angrily defending the president as an innocent victim of autocorrect or laughing their heads off at a president who can’t even tweet a message to his wife without getting it wrong.

The autocorrect thing is interesting for a bunch of reasons – especially because if it’s true, it suggests that Melania isn’t in Donald’s phone. At least, not under her name.

Maybe she’s under “Winter Boo Bear”?

One of the easiest phone hacks, if you’re really ducking sick of continually having to stop your phone autocorrecting all the filthy swears you put in your text messages, is to put those words into your contact list.

The least disruptive way is putting them in the description field rather than the name field, by the way, although be aware that it might surprise your folks when you innocently share with them a contact for Stephen Peterson, Motherf**king Dentist.

“Dr Peterson’s practice provides a comprehensive dental and orthodontic service. Open six days. Appointments necessary.”

If you start typing a name that’s in your phone, it won’t assume you mean Stem Petal Son because it’ll jump to your contacts before exploring the world of botany.

So if Trump’s phone is going to “Melanie” and not “Melania”, or “melons” for that matter, then… well, there’s possibly a Melanie getting more calls from that phone than is The Third Mrs Trump.

But not, thankfully, a Melons. So, y’know. Small mercies.

Then again…

The Trump/Kim Jong-Un Summit Looks Doubtful, So You Should Still Dig That Nuclear Bunker

The high-stakes meeting between two volatile men with a history of failed diplomacy looks like falling over. Who'd have thunk it?

It’s entirely possible that you’re not going to need your surprised face for the next thing you’re about to read, but perhaps prepare your terrified one just in case it needs deployment:

It looks as though like nuclear summit between US president Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un, the two most volatile and self-obsessed leaders on the planet, might not be going ahead in Singapore this June after all.

I know, Joey! I KNOW!

The issue is reportedly that North Korea don’t care for the US’s demand that it unilaterally abandon its nuclear arsenal, which is after all the point of the summit.

Trump has indicated that he won’t back down on the demand, which… look, if you’re going to have a chat with someone about whether they might give you a present, it seems a bit ungentlemanly to demand that they agree to give you the present as a condition of having the chat.

North Korea’s first vice minister of foreign affairs, Kim Kye-gwan, announced that “If the US is trying to drive us into a corner to force our unilateral nuclear abandonment, we will no longer be interested in such dialogue and cannot but reconsider our proceeding [to the summit].”

North Korea have already backed out of talks with South Korea about ending their ongoing hostilities, reportedly because of US-South Korean military exercises happening in the region.

Of course, it can’t have helped that the US has just reneged on a similar deal with Iran and seem poised to follow it up with military intervention. For all of the White House’s insistence that Trump is “the best negotiator”, indicating that international arms reduction deals can be torn up at a moment’s notice when he fancies it doesn’t set a great precedent for hashing out a high-stakes international arms reduction deal.

Anyway, the short answer for you, the life-enthusiast with a penchant for not being killed in a global nuclear conflagration, is simple: keep excavating that bunker!

Good times ahead!

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